I am 27 yo, and from Europe. Have been here before, but lost password, and e-mail I used isn't active anymore so I had to register again. More than little time passed so, I will make a brief exposition of myself. Haven't got diagnosis, therapist said he didn't want to give me one since it seemed to him I function ok. That is, more or less, true because I learned how to cope and can pass as normal in certain situations. But man, is that tiring because certain situations (and quite a few I will add) seem like theater with me being an actor who plans what to say, how to say, what topics to discuss. Then, how to appear as genuine listener, how to pay attention, how to remind myself to look at the person etc. It is not that I am not interested, it's not true I don't like people, I really do, but I have difficulties to express that, to build rapport that looks genuine and spontaneous. So, I can come across as self centered, distant. egotistical brat who cares only about himself. But that is not true... I mean, if I like someone I will go and talk with him/her about philosophy or things like that. From my perspective that means - I like you, but, it's not usual way and people are bored and I don't notice that because it makes me go all happy and excited.
So, I am an actor who has meltdowns and needs to regenerate often and if I cant get that, I either become lifeless (a bit) or go into some kind of frenzied mania of laughter and jumping around and becoming all jumpy and strange.
Whatever the case is, I always found myself outside groups of any sort and soon I stopped even trying. Groups didn't mean much to me anyway as I was usually in my bubble preoccupied with thoughts. But loneliness was there, 'cause you like people and want to talk, and do stuff but you just aren't on the same wavelength.
School was extremely difficult. It wasn't that I was bullied (a lot) it was more sense of being isolated. I was lucky as classmates were quite protective of me for some reason, I guess it was because I was generally kind and peaceful and ready to help (eager to please so I could at least be a bit liked). Those who didn't now me very well, though, were quite rude, sometimes cruel.
Sorry for a lengthy post, am currently in state of much introspection, ruminations, and stuff like that. So, I just wanted to write to make some sense of it, some legible material. I am sorry if I come as selfish because I wrote this primarily for myself but I would be more than glad if someone finds anything useful here.
Bye.
27 Dec 2013, 5:30 am
