My son has autism

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Hi,
Just feel like talking/sharing...
My son is 8yrs old and has autism.
He doesn't speak, isn't potty trained, and bangs on stuff a lot.
I love him, and the autism just makes me sad, so I wanted to share.
Sorry, this may not be the right place, I just felt sad/lonely about all this.
Thanks JHH

Thanks for sharing.

I am sorry you feel sad. I am a mother too, and sometimes when my son hurts and I can't fix it, I feel as if I have failed him. But it's important to remember, you haven't failed him, because you love him and want the best for him. So many kids don't have parents who can give them that much.

When my boy was born, I felt bombarded with parenting texts which outlined every month of my baby's development, and what he "should" be accomplishing at every stage. I also felt alienated by other moms, who would sit together at the playground and brag about how early their kids did this or that. I feel very strongly that one of the best things a parent of any child--whether "normal" or "special needs"--can do, is to throw those books in the fire and start taking each day as it comes. Thinking about whether a child is "ahead" or "behind" the so-called norm certainly adds frustration or anxiety to your experience of him. You are still there to guide him, but a parent should always work at the child's pace. I have to remind myself of this often.

I should add the caveat that my son doesn't have autism; he is fairly "normal", but I have AS. I can't know what it is like to be in your position. But I know that my mother really struggled with me, and she still wonders why I can't keep up with "simple" day-to-day tasks. All I can say is that I never wanted to hurt her or alienate her, but now that I am grown I realize that I don't always need someone to understand me, but I have always ached for acceptance. Most people who meet me will never accept me as I am, but I hope that at least now my mom wouldn't want to change me. If you make one priority with your son, try not to instill in him the thinking that he should be different than he is. He might think it sometimes, but those thoughts shouldn't be reinforced by you. Try to focus on ways you can communicate that you love him just as he is, and that he is a strong and brave little person. We are strong and brave, even though our feelings often tell us the opposite.

PS--does he bang on things because he likes the noise, or because he likes the motion / cause & effect? (This you can observe, he doesn't need to state his preference) If the latter he might like a punching bag, it's more acceptable and good exercise.

Dear jhh,

after today submitted first time online my story saw your post.

First of all, huge respect for all you're doing, sure you do a great job for already 8 years.
My son is only 3+ and I'm not sure if I can make it...

I completely understand your feelings, as I feel the same: I love my child but this "no response" love is very hard...
You do a lot of sacrificing, efforts etc. etc and not very much back. In my situation my son was my hope to get somebody who talks to me, ask me and just simple bother me - as my husband prefers to be lonely and not bothered (even he's nice guy) and my family wasn't ever lovely one (in addition we live separately in other country). But my reality happened that I become even more lonely as people around not very understand special needs kids...

Do you have some other children?
Where do you live?

When you found out about your son difficulties?

My Best-best wishes to you!