Hi, I'm new, this is my first post. I'm sorry, it will be long. I talk/write a lot usually and have trouble shortening things down. I have to work on that. I like to read other people's long stories though so maybe some other people will like to read mine.
I'm a 38-year-old female (single with two children). I don't know if I have Asperger's or not. When I was young, I was extremely shy, quiet and anxious, especially in new situations. I had friends but learned that although I could usually function one-on-one, I didn't know how to act if there were more than one other person around. Even one-on-one was difficult. I felt like in the past and now (but less now) I was constantly realizing after the fact that I had done or said something really stupid. I usually just didn't talk so that I could avoid saying something wrong. At school I was teased quite a bit, but often just ignored. If a new person came to the school, people would introduce me by saying "This is Marcella; she doesn't talk". If I ever did try to say anything to fit in, people made a big deal about me talking and then I stopped. I always tried to fit in but I couldn't get the hang of it. I had the worst time trying to dress semi-fashionably. I didn't know what I was doing but I knew what brand names were popular so I'd make sure clothes had those labels at least. Or if I saw a shirt at Wal-Mart that a girl I knew had, I'd buy the same one but in a different colour. People thought I was quite pretty, and I think that helped me a lot.
I remember being interested in kind of odd things when I was very young. I absolutely loved catalogues. I'd sit for hours and look at every page and I'd point to things I liked or wanted (not showing them to anyone else, just pointing). I also loved books with very detailed drawings and things going on -- like Richard Scarry "The Word Book", I think it's called.
When I was about 11 years old, I became obsessed with horses. That is a very common interest among young girls, it seems, but I didn't treat my obsession the same way as other girls did, I'm sure! After school, I'd go to the big public library downtown by myself (my school was downtown). I'd sit there and look at every single book about horses, even anatomy books. I still have some notebooks I drew with horses' very detailed skeletons and all the bones labelled neatly. I read everything there was to read about horses. I would stay at the library for hours at a time. I also remember checking out usually about 10-15 books and videos about horses at a time. I memorized all the horse breeds, colours, and all sorts of things about horses. I really wanted other people to be interested in horses too. Often they were, but it wasn't what I wanted -- they didn't want to sit there learning all about horses' bones etc. like I did, they just thought they were pretty or whatever and wanted to ride. I did finally convince my parents to let me take riding lessons. I even bought my own horses and was going to try to make a career with horses. But my parents got angry about how much money it was costing, so I went to college instead to be a Paralegal.
When I was young I would watch shows like "The Brady Bunch" not (just) for enjoyment, but I would sit there and really try to learn social skills from TV shows like that. I still do that -- I watch TV shows and movies just for interest, but I'm always paying attention to what people do and say (and wishing I could be like them).
I always loved drawing, mostly horses. But I was a perfectionist and many of my drawings I would start and not finish. Also, I was a very technical kind of artist; I could look at a photograph of a horse and draw it well, but had trouble putting any kind of emotion, creativity, etc. into art.
When I was in my early 20s I had to sell my horse because it took up too much time. I had some friends and would go out drinking etc. but I always felt like a follower. I learned how to dress fairly nicely and because I was pretty, I was accepted at first, and had enough social skills by my 20s to be okay. I think people could sense that I was very shy, and probably chalked my social trouble up to shyness (ex: if I said anything strange). I'm still bad in groups though -- anything more than one other person and myself. It's not that I feel shy, but I don't know how to act or what to say. I always end up talking too much, or not enough if I think that's the best solution to avoid saying something stupid, and I always, always talk way too loud. I have a very loud voice and people are always telling me to speak more quietly.
Some people seem to accept me, and some people see to think I'm kind of weird, even when I'm not really being myself but trying to fit in. I'm not quiet anymore, but I'm still shy sometimes.
My dad passed away a few months ago at age 85. I'm pretty sure he had Asperger's. People who knew him and know me often say I'm a lot like he was. My mom often said/says that (but usually in a negative way). My teen years were so difficult. I was always in my room, listing horse breeds, etc. and I think my mom was worried that I wasn't a "normal" teenage girl. She always picked on things about me. She didn't like the way I walked; she said one of my arms swung at my side normally, but the other one didn't really move. She didn't like that I picked at my face. She tried buying me fashion/teen magazines instead of horse magazines. She tape-recorded my voice when we talked so that she could play it back to me and show me how bad it sounded (the tone, which to me sounded like someone annoyed/depressed, I can still hear it in my head; and also what I was saying, maybe). I remember her at least once, yelling in exasperation "There's something wrong with you!". But she never got me any help. Another time she said she should take me to see a psychologist. But she never did. I think I probably would have gone and just not talked.
I know I don't have the same kind of empathy as others do. But in a way, I do and I'm sensitive to different things. I have to think about it though. Like I might treat someone a certain (very insensitive or blunt, for example) way, but later when I think about it, I do feel bad. And, my first instinct is usually wrong -- for example, I'll write an e-mail and it sounds quite cold and uncaring. But I have learned what it should be like, and what "normal" people usually say to be supportive/nice/caring/warm, so then I edit the e-mail for, by example, adding "How are you?", asking about them first, and ending with something like "take care". And things like when I had a baby, I couldn't let them cry to sleep. I don't know if this means I don't have Asperger's.
I feel like I can sometimes read body language etc. but maybe I can't as well as I think I can, because I do sometimes misinterpret things, and I never end up fitting in as I think I should be able to.
I also don't know if I have Asperger's because I have semi-decent social skills now, in some situations. Before college/university I was much worse, but I took psychology and social work type courses and did volunteer training for many social organizations and learned so much about the right things to do and say to all kinds of people. My first instinct is often incorrect though; for example, like with the e-mail, I think about what would sound right, and what I should say. Often though I say the wrong thing. But usually after I know that I did, and I know what I should've probably said.
I usually make eye contact, but often have to think to do this. I often just talk to someone, especially family (when I'm not thinking about it) while I'm looking down or at something else. When I'm driving in a car with someone, I think it's odd that they want to make eye contact while we're in the front seats. I don't need to do this at all.
I absolutely hate small talk and events like weddings, funerals, etc. I'm much better one-on-one. But it's tiring. I really enjoy being alone, it's the only time I feel totally able to relax and be myself. I always tend to talk way too loud, too much about myself/my interests, too seriously (I enjoy humour but much prefer serious conversation, "argument", etc.) Some "normal" people seem to really like me though. After 38 years I've gotten pretty good at faking it. If I didn't fake it, I'd be considered intelligent, egotistical, self-centered, loud,, serious, strong sense of morals/social justice, insensitive, blunt, talkative, etc. Often though I sound/act quite normal. So this is another reason I'm not sure if I have Asperger's.
I've taken personality tests, I forget what the name of them is, but they say I'm "INTJ" which is supposedly fairly rare, especially for women.
I have a problem with hoarding, somewhat. I love books. I have over 10,000 e-mails in my inbox (I like that I can search them to find something from years ago, it comes in handy). I have papers everywhere with lists, writing from reading/research I've done from books/the internet about various topics, etc. I'm a messy person, for one thing because I have too much stuff, but I hate mess and clutter.
Thanks for reading this if you got this far!
07 Feb 2014, 11:34 am
