Hi from a possible Aspie

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I started my investigation a few months ago. It began when I stumbled on an article about the characteristics of the emerging female Aspie. I was actually shocked at how well it fit me. But, I was confused, because I didn't seem the same as my son (PDD-NOS) or brother (classical autism). I am actually overly articulate compared to the people around me. I've never had a problem with language.

So, I asked my mom what she thought. When she agreed that I might be on to something, I went into obsessive mode. I ran into this site along the way, and I thought about posting. But, I was afraid that I might just be putting myself into a definition to ease my social struggle. And when my son's early intervention team dismissed it, I dropped it. I felt like I was just plain odd and my problems stemmed from a certain refusal to conform to societal norms.

Until I read an article recently about the common occurrence of synesthesia with ASD. When they started describing the different forms of synesthesia, one hit home. I don't think in pictures when people speak. I think in words. Black and white words, like a book.

And that was enough to ignite my search again. I mean, how could someone get something as off the wall and unique to me (or so I thought) so correct unless it was something real.

So, I'm Em. I'm a 29 year old wife of six years and mother of a five year old boy on the spectrum. I married my best friend, now 12 years running. He has been the only person who ever really understood me and actually loved me for all of it. Don't get me wrong, I didn't settle! He is the love of my life! And it made perfect sense that I marry someone I had already determined I could coexist with, even platonically. We already knew each others idiosyncrasies and adjusted. All we have left to do is grow together.

He doesn't agree about the Asperger's. But, he also didn't agree with our kid's diagnosis. And it took him years to see my progress while on the bipolar meds.

There is one thing we both agree on. Neither of us is particularly skilled at making and retaining friendships. Everyone just seems so different to both of us. But, there is a serious difference between us. He thrives in social situations. They exhaust me. I don't feel like it should be so hard to make friends. The only people I enjoy socializing with are the ones who share a common interest. For me, that consists of kicking, punching, and knocking people to the floor. That's martial arts, and it is highly specialized. Otherwise, I don't seem to be able to draw similarities between others and myself.

Most of the time, I'm content not to try, or even be obligated to. My husband and I joke about how the greater majority of people are petty, superficial, and inane. But, what if I'm missing something? What if it's just because there isn't anything else to them? And if that's true, like they don't generate unique ideas or useful or relevant thought, then why am I so different?

That's always been the bottom line. Why do I appear, behave, and seemingly think and feel differently than almost everyone around me?

Hi, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

And I think you're welcome whether you're full-fledged Asperger's-Autism Spectrum, or just Aspie-lite, Aspie-friendly, something like this, either way, any of the above is perfectly okay.

I am a writer, and I sometimes write a lot. So, I do sometimes see conversation and dialogue as words, but they are kind of pale. Are you a writer, too?

Yes, actually I am! I've been writing as a part of my medium for as long as I can remember. And then there's music, but that's pretty much just another language to me, anyway. The words have always been black and white, typewriter font. I guess like old books. They're not as clear as they once were. When I found out that I was the only one I knew who experienced sound with that kind of vision, I started to try to develop a better imagination.

It's almost contradictory. I think in words, but I do have an imagination. I can pretend and used to play pretend games. I like fiction. But, maybe it's not the same. I mean, it's all kind of functional. Whenever a friend would pretend something illogical, I'd get really upset. I'd argue that it could never happen like that, and they would argue that was the point! Honestly, I still don't get the point of fanaticizing about something that could never possibly happen, or be real.

I just thought that the research was interesting. I just remember my ex in high school looking at me like I was some kind of alien. Some of our friends noted how remarkable it was that I could hear about or talk about something awful or gruesome without flinching. They asked, "Don't you ever imagine it?" I told them that I thought about it and considered it. That's when I discovered that our thinking wasn't the same and I was kind of odd man out.

I dialed that one back to my mom, who reported the same thing as me. Interestingly enough, four boys over two different generations have popped up on the spectrum on her side. I wondered if all of the quirky "damaged", "neurotic" women were on the spectrum too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Wellcome!

Yep, it sounds "spergy", - and the fact, that you have a dxéd son, a brother with classical autism, and that your mothers line presents with many persons on the spectrum, makes it very liable, that you may be on the spectrum yourself.

Speaking of music, I've dabbled a little in song writing. I would love to write music, some parts of which rhyme (including just vowel rhyme) and other parts don't.

When I took guitar and piano as a kid, it's like I didn't know how to practice and have any idea whether I was doing it right.

When I was in 6th grade (age 11), I signed up for band and picked trombone. In the midst of the year, the band leader basically told me the private tutor didn't want to work with me anymore and I should give someone else a chance. Some years later when I made sense of this, I thought it was pretty tacky of the guy not to tell me himself. And years after that, I figured out I played more than he wanted. I was nervous and kind of guessed at what he wanted and perhaps played a passage when he only wanted the beginning. I don't know why he couldn't tell me in a naturalistic way without making a big deal about it. He was probably a nerd who lacked social skills, too. I was more of a nerd---I'm almost positive I'm on the Spectrum and comfortably self diagnose---and apparently that just really rubbed him the wrong way.

Anyway, if I try to again learn or re-learn an instrument, I need to kind of wind to it my own way.

Thanks for the warm welcomes everyone!

I was actually reading the findings in various studies done with families having at least one child with a definitive dx. It was discovered that younger siblings were at significantly higher risk. The intended purpose of the research at that time was to determine if I thought it wise to have another child. That wasn't the only factor, but it was a huge one.

Later, when this whole thing began, I started to think about it. I am the younger sibling, born to my mother when she was 35. And there are probably a dozen reasons my particular symptoms could have been overlooked. Namely, it would have been due to the lack of research and understanding of Asperger's syndrome, particularly in girls. Second, many of my potential issues, like aversion to change, didn't emerge until I was out of the ASD designed environment. Finally, besides my obvious social and emotional impairment, I suffered no other delay. In many respects, I was quite advanced.

I fear a doctor would dismiss it too, just based on certain things. Or rather, the perceived lack of certain criteria. I fake a lot. I've learned how to intimidate based on a lot of research, observation, and trial and error. But mostly error! However, my level of functioning is probably far beneath where I'd like it to be.

Sounds kind of like what I experienced in the fourth grade. Except, I played flute and we were required to have so many private sessions. I had a hard time following his instruction, because I was still putting the coordination into it.

That's when I figured out that I work best alone. If someone gives me the tools and basic step by step instructions, I'll master it. I spent the entire summer tearing through workbooks so obsessively that I ended up going from last chair to first chair.

If you want to be assessed, then get your family history together and find some relatives, who can tell something about you as a kid. Your Mom doesn´t seem reluctant.
Contact a center or an autism organisation and ask, if they could tell you which psych. to seek for assessment.

I'm already seeing a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder, and I considered bringing it up to him. But, then the fears kick in. What if he dismisses the idea of evaluation too? Is he even allowed to do that? And then what if he's not qualified to perform an assessment? What then? Scouring the city for a doctor and then getting on a wait list? I've been there, and it's not pleasant. And then there are the bills.

I don't know how on board my husband is going to be on this. That's another thing that makes me nervous. If he can't report noticing anything off with me, and believe me, I know from experience that he doesn't, then how am I going to gain support?

What happens after the diagnosis? I probably need some kind of treatment. And that is something I really, really can't afford.

It's heavy, and I don't know how to go about navigating it.

He may not want to mix things, and he may not know too much about AS and perhaps dismiss it because of that.
I´d say, bring it up and see how he reacts.
Your husband ought to be supportive, when you reveal your difficulties to him.

When I went through my initial treatment for bipolar, he had a very hard time accepting it. The bipolar was pretty clear cut, and it was even more obvious when the meds finally started working. Still, it took him awhile to come around. And yet, he still doesn't seem to have a firm grasp. Any time I act out, he asks, "Have you been taking your medicine?"

He even had trouble accepting our son's dx. And that was completely obvious. Our son was two, hardly spoke a word, and didn't make eye contact. Most of the time, he didn't even acknowledge people when they spoke to him.

I don't know why it's so difficult for him to accept these kinds of things. For our son, that's obvious. Growing up with a brother with autism, it was clear to me, but I still didn't want it to be true. Even my own brother didn't want it to be true. We all remembered what it was like, and it was hard. And then, there's a certain amount of guilt involved.

But, that's not applicable to me. I mean, so what? It's not going to be the life adjustment it was with the bipolar. It's not going to require medication and monitoring. If anything, it might make things better! Maybe I can actually get some help with things!

How can I get that through to him? And how can I get him past the whole stigma thing?

Uuuh! I honestly don´t know. It´s bad, when he doesn´t even want to believe, that his son is autistic. Your Mom seems to be more accepting. Couldn´t she have a talk with him?

Well, our son's autism became obvious when he went to a typically developing preschool. I was a supervisor briefly at the daycare, so he was offered reduced tuition. Hubs saw it pretty quickly.

But, he's seen me amongst other adults and doesn't seem to be able to spot the difference. I mean, we both recognize that neither of us seems to fit in. He attributes it to higher intelligence, unusual interests, and an incompatible lifestyle with those in our age group (we're young parents). I don't see those things as a problem, but more of a sign. Shouldn't we have at least something in common with someone?

I'm kind of concerned that he might be drawing comparisons. Like, if I am an Aspie, then he might be too? The one thing that brought us together was the fact that we're cut from the same cloth. I don't know if that's something he might ever be willing to consider.

My mom? More socially dysfunctional than me. But, she came from the antiquated old world where women wouldn't dream of engaging in any confrontation. It's unsavory. I am having suspicions about her too. She often describes herself as hyperactive, scattered, and sometimes "in her own world".

One of the things I detest the most is when it seems like a person is fishing for reasons to avoid facing something. I'm not trying to shoot ideas down. I'm hoping others will help me generate some.

I obviously have trouble finding support in my own backyard, so I thought about reaching beyond. I considered finding a local Aspie group and determining whether it feels right. Then, I'd invite him to come and see. It's like when he saw our kid in contrast to NT children. Maybe, if he drew his own comparisons, he'd get it.

But, I literally can't lie. I just don't know how to explain it to him without revealing my intent. If he knew, then it would defeat the purpose.

I thought that if I could get at least one professional to give it some consideration, then it might give me some footing to pursue an evaluation.

But what happens after that? I'd love to be able to see someone to help me with my social skills and ease my sensory issues. But, I don't have those resources. And even if I did, they'd be better spent on my son.

If you could find a group, ´there may be arrangements, courses and such, and there may be some good name-dropping, so you know who is able to assess.
Take it from there. You´ve got some very good ideas.

Here is a little discussion about AS and giftedness.
Maybe something for your husband. It is mostly about children, but he was one once.

http://autismandoughtisms.wordpress.com ... sm-5-help/