Hi there from a 43-year old and very tired aspi

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After the birth of our son almost three years ago I was diagnosed with asperger... I simply could not deal with the anarchic energy of a small child and I started to suffer from feelings of depression, loneliness, anxiety, extreme stress, guilt, suicidal feelings... along the way I also developed an addiction to cannabis and painkillers in order to deal with the pain and stress of having to live a 'normal' life...

I always knew I was different from most people... I was always clumsy and a bit of a nerd... I got interested in philosophy when I was 17... philosophy then became my big obssession... I studied it at university and got a PhD degree... but due to my social clumsiness I never had any academic career... Philosophy was my life for more than 20 years, a true obsession, the most important thing in the world... Looking back on it, I see it was typical autistic behavior... I was in a world of my own, with my own 'Theory of Everything'... I desperately wanted to publish my ideas, but due to my perfectionism I could never finish anything... This became more and more frustrating until eventually I grew to hate philosophy... the thing I had loved the most had turned against me... I felt betrayed but didn't know by what...

Having always loved music (from classical to metal) I thought I made a fresh start by learning to play the guitar (I had never touched an instrument before)... That was before I knew I have asperger's... Thanks to a LOT of disciplined practice I learned to play the guitar alright but I discovered my motor capabilities went down the drain whenever the stress level increased... I turned out to be very clumsy on the guitar whenever I had to play together with other musicians or before an audience... I started three rock bands but everytime it turned out to be a failure because I would fumble on the guitar... at home I could play very well, but together with other people I sucked...

When I was diagnosed with asperger's I finally discovered the source of my motor problems....

All this is difficult enough... But add to this the incomprehension in my environment when I tell people I have an autistic disability (that's how I experience it: a disability)... People cannot believe I have autism and they respond sceptically... Some people simply don't contact me anymore... Some people (notably my father) think I am a weakling and a faker... They can't believe an intelligent guy like me -- who is married, has a kid, a nice (part time) job -- can have autism. This is one of the most difficul aspects of asperger's. Due to my high (verbal) intelligence I could always compensate for my other limitations... Hence people don't notice you have problems... They think you are on top of the world while you are actually struggling to keep pace with normal everyday life....

Anyway, I am now 43 years old and I am very, very tired... sick of it all... I really really love my wife and kid, but mostly I just want to be by myself... and this makes me feel very, very guilty towards them...

I am now trying to get out of my addictions and I made a fresh start with making music at home... on my own... the world around me has lost its relevance for me... I simply cannot muster the energy anymore to get myself interested in the outside world... I used to be passionate about politics but now it only disgusts me... It's a lonely life but it's still a life... filled with a lot of sadness but also with beauty... I have a loving wife and an adorable kid... and even if I find living with them very difficult sometimes I do not want to miss them... this is how it is... I have autism and I have to find a modus vivendi....

First, becoming a new parent is really stressful. It's a HUGE adjustment, and if you're like me, change doesn't come easy. Especially on that kind of scale. And then I started to notice that I wasn't the typical mom that basically lived for their child. I started to really feel like a bad parent. Then, we moved away from my family and I became unemployed. Suddenly, I was a full time parent! And I had no idea how to do it "right". Besides that, the demands of a child seemed like too much for me.

The kid stuff gets easier. I think anyway. Mine is on the spectrum, so I can't speak of NT kids. One day, they gain this kind of autonomy, and it's way less taxing.

I'm a full time mom who works part time at night. So our situations might be a little different. I try to include my kid when it comes to pursuing my obsessions. I write and he draws. I practice martial arts, and he puts on music and dances. Although it's modified to his skill level, we're still doing stuff together.

Also, I make it a point to carve out some quiet alone time. I'm noise sensitive, so it's important that I have that. It might be something your wife can't understand, but you can tell her that you'll be able to function better if you had some dedicated alone time. I make sure to schedule some family time too.

I would really recommend you see a professional about the depression. A professional can really help you work out your emotions and get to a healthier place.

I second the recommendation for a counselor. When your brain fries from the stress of dealing with the world, you really need someone with experience helping people going through that to get through it yourself. Meaning a counselor who understands autism and Aspergers.

I don't know if by addictions you mean to substances or special interests, but there is help if it's substances. And getting lost in your interests increases with stress, can go back down too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Stay, read, post. It helps.

Guilt is not a feeling, and our neurological differences from others do not render us incapable of being committed husbands and fathers. As scarce as it might seem for any or even for all of us at times, I find fulfillment in setting myself aside and giving whatever I can both to and for my family.

Thanks guys for your responses... It means a lot for me... Thank you emmyris for telling about your home situation, that gives me hope...

My wife is very understanding, she knows I need some time alone once in a while...

If the depressed feelings continue I am gonna seek some professional help...

When I talked about addictions I did indeed mean substance addictions (mainly cannabis nowadays) and not obsessions... The obsessions or pre-occupations I will never get rid off and indeed I don't want to... They define me as a person... As for the cannabis addiction, I think I can quit that by myself... I'm not a big user but I am (was!) a frequent user... And I have become more dependent on it than I wanted to admit... You know, cannabis is a very good short term solution but it's not a long term solution, on the contrary... ultimately it's a self-destructive habit like any drug habit... I hope to be able to quite that stuff on my own... I think I can... I just focus on my guitar and then I don't need anything else

Welcome to Wrong Planet!