Am I the most pathetic person on here?

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OK I'm not very good at writing messages or expressing myself...

But this will basically be my life story.

I was born in 1981and lived on a council estate in England..
as a child I never had any lack of friends purely because everyone on the street played together and remained friends growing up together.
I have always been painfully shy and felt terribly awkward in social situations to the point that I spent the majority of my life avoiding people as much as possible.

So the majority of my childhood was pretty uneventful apart from being bullied a little with name calling.( I guess being so quite and shy I was an easy target that was unlikely to retaliate)

By the time I started secondary school my life started to take a turn for the worse, only one person I knew went to the same school as me and they were in a different class.
Being autistic I just don't feel like I can really make friends, I struggle to find words for what I want to say so probably come across as a bit stupid even though I'm pretty intelligent compared to most normal people out there with similar poor upbringings like mine.

anyway the first 2 years of secondary school were literally hell for me a solitary lonely hell and I hated it.


Around this time a new person from a neighbouring area moved into my local area and instantly became friends with all my friends so I became his friend.

This guy started educating us all how easy it was to steal cars and motorbikes and being autistic I was kinda easily lead by peer pressure.
so we were often stealing motorbikes to ride around on at a local farmers field and getting into all kinds of trouble.

This guy then got kicked out of his school, his third one by now I believe.
I went to a really awful school it was one of the worst schools in the country.
Here's a nice quote from a national news paper...

anyway this guy ended up in the same class as me with the same exact lessons as me.

He encouraged me to bunk off from school, just going to registration and then walking out and because I hated school so much it didn't take very long until I was joining him every day.
Eventually he got kicked out of school for attacking a teacher which left me feeling like I couldn't really go back to school after around a year of skipping it, so I just stopped going entirely.

eventually he school realised and someone from the education department contacted my parents about me truanting.
sooo.... I went back to school, in every lesson the teachers ignored me , I didn't even have a book with my name on , they wouldn't give me any work, they wouldn't help me reintegrate into the school at all.
I didn't even have a time table with my lessons on....

So that lasted for 1 day before I felt it was pointless.
after that no one from the school ever contacted my parents again.

by this time I am around 15 years old and still hanging out with the people from my street who are now at a point where they are committing all types of criminal activity from petty theft to kicking peoples doors in and robbing there houses or ram raiding shops.

I avoid most of this but spend a lot of time smoking cannabis with them, really helped with my anxiety issues too
I ended up being arrested a few times for cat theft (I never stole but I didn't stop the people who did and had no problem being a passenger driving around)


I'm now 18 and start avoiding my friends, I've always been into computers but now they are taking over my life.

I'm spending most of the day on a dreamcast chatting to other users in dreamarena chat.
I make friends with some woman who lives in another city, one night she is drunk and gives me her phone number.

we talk for hours on the phone every day for weeks before she eventually comes to visit me at my parents house. (I've never had a GF before until now)
We have sex, the next day I go back to hers to stay for a week or two.

I ended up never leaving and my parents brought all my stuff up.
We get married when I'm 19 (she's 7 years older than me BTW and has a 7 year old son)

We spent the first few years of marriage pretty happily for the most part and I had a child with her of my own. (he's also been diagnosed autistic ffs, noone else in my family history has ever been as far as I'm aware).

over the years we slowly stop having sex and slowly stop being compatible.
She thinks something is wrong with me and tells me it's over.
I google "why do I have no friends"
Quickly discover autism and everything fits.
I spend a year fighting with my GP trying to get someone to diagnose me and eventually he finds someone willing to diagnose an adult.

They spend 2 hours talking to me about my life,
one of them says they need to step outside and discuss it but as far as he's concerned I'm autistic.

I break down in tears and feel like my life is over....... but at least It's confirmed after a year of fighting with my gp.

My ex let me stay with her until I got diagnosed and until I found my own place to live.
she helped me claim disability benefits and helped me to get a passport in case I ever need photo ID for anything lol

I'm now 33 and have been living on my own for the past year...
The only people I talk to are.
my ex wife (still friends but don't really talk to her any more and only see her when I visit my son)
My son whos 8.
my mum who lives 300 miles away.

my sister and brother have kids I've never met because I haven't seen them in the past 10 years but I was never close with them anyway so they feel like strangers to me.

Recently I started being a bit more active outdoors and pushing my self to go out but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to talk to anyone because I just don;t know what to say unless I share hobbies with them and already know that.

I can't do idle conversation and small talk at all
I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone so why would people want to me my friend anyway?
I consider my self ugly but I don't know if I actually am or not.
My ex wife once said "I don't know what you see in the mirror but it's not what everyone else sees" and by that I think she meant I'm not ugly but she never ever said I'm not lol...
But she obviously got with me before we met anyway and fell for my boring personality or was just as lonely as me but didn't want to admit it.

I guess if I was good looking I would have noticed women looking at me but I try to avoid all eye contact and obviously walk around with a forcefield up all the time.

I just feel like being me has no benefits at all and it's just a ****** life I was cursed with, I've thought about suicide but I know I'm to scared to go through with it because I'm such a scared shell of a man.

So is anyone worse than me? I bet all you at least have a job so have people to talk to from that

No qualifications at all.
Never been employed.
Wouldn't be able to get 2 references if my life depended on it.

oh and I was basically diagnosed as high functioning autism and then abandoned by this country because there is no ******* help unless your a child.
all the support groups and meetings are for ******* autistic children or parents with autistic children.

If you get diagnosed as an adult you are basically expected to be like a normal capable person and manage on your own but I've slowly fallen into a lonely depressed state as you would expect.

Hopefully this post actually makes sense, I really don't want to proof read it because I'll probably cry

I did recently join a dating website and based on 1100+ questions, I was a high 90s match with a local woman a few years older than me.
she's probably normal but quite similar to me and one of the few people that might be able to understand me as a friend but she ignored my messages which has left me feeling even worse lol...

I admitted I was autistic and tried to explain what I'm like in the hopes she would see I'm just a nice decent honest sincere person and explained a bit about me recently coming out of a long-term marriage and just feeling lonely from lack of friends so it wasn't massively awkward and a rambling mess like this.
but she still didn't reply (she was set as "looking for friends")

So I assume that's what she wants I just wish she was prepared to give me a chance

I think I'm far worse than I was 10-13 years ago, I couldn't imagine my self being able to speak to someone on the phone for 5 minutes never mind 5 hours.
I've got far less confidence and self esteem and I'm far more worried about what other people think.

Does anyone else feel like their autism has got worse as they got older?

Thanks for sharing your fascinating stories with us. I don't think you are pathetic, I think you are an amazing and self-aware person, good on you for fighting for a diagnosis, good on you for not ending up in a worse situation than you are now, it sounds like you have experienced all kinds of mischief and yet here you are still, alive and kicking.

I definitely can relate to what you said about being expected to function normally just because you have done so-called normal things like getting married and raising a child. Here in Australia it is somewhat similar, it is a real fight to convince the right people that help and support is needed. I too have had plenty of jobs in my time, quite a few committed relationships in my past etc. Convincing social security that I need help took me about a year, but I was finally declared unfit for work last week... I have PTSD because of a workplace incident, an armed holdup. Since then I got an ASD diagnosis, at age 41. As I get older, and with the PTSD, I have certainly found that in some ways I have gotten worse, while in other ways I have gotten better (thanks to a newer level of awareness that a diagnosis brought me).

I wish you well

yea I was told flat out if I had ever worked in the past I would never have been allowed to claim disability benefits which probably would have left me jumping off a tall bridge tbh.

There is no way i could deal with the stress of being on jobs seekers allowance being expected to apply and travel to interviews on a daily basis.
I would never get to an interview stage anyway and even If I did what chance has an autistic person got of convincing someone they are the best person for the job compared to someone who has no social difficulties at all.

even how I am I would love a job just to be around people but I find social interaction so daunting that I don't think I could ever do it

My highlight of the week was sitting in the local barbers getting my haircut whilst 2 blokes and the hairdresser talked about football banter.

I even laughed a few times but never said a word, It's weird how I can enjoy social interaction without feeling like I can be part of it.
I guess all I really want is to fit in and go unnoticed in the world more desperately than anything else..

speaking of the barbers I was in there a few weeks ago and they were talking about "how it's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for" LOL

there's me sat in the chair not saying a word other than saying which haircut I want as usual

I found the whole jobseeker thing daunting, and I have been working on and off for a couple of decades. My work history was a real obstacle to being heard. PTSD made my anxiety so unmanageable I can't face it anymore. They eventually heard me.

I actually think it's the rowdy unindividuated males (who often travel in groups) that you have to watch out for lol

Hi, and welcome! Thank you for sharing your story, I read it and was amazed at how closely it resembles my own introduction thread, and to be perfectly honest, I just wanted to say hello, in a more forwardly friendly manner, lol. No homo



Joined about 2-3 days ago, depending on timezones I guess, was in a bad way at the time. This site, and just reading what people (LIKE ME???! !! !) have to say about life, and the trials and tribulations involved within them, really got me out of a pretty bad funk. So, I guess, um....

*passes OP a note in class - it reads "Wanna be friends?* Cheers

(Even after re-re-re-reading this, and thinking it's too childish, or weird, I'm just gonna hit the submit button lol) - Editor's note

To answer your OP - Yes, I feel like my disorder/syndrome/Aspergers Syndrome/..negative attitude....has gotten worse as I've grown up.

Glad to see that you're taking good steps to improve your situation. Personally, I don't think my Autism got worse, I think I just became more aware as I got older.

Hello,

You are not pathetic. I also had a rough time and services are practically non-existant for adults. I would not have high hopes with regards to dating websites, so don't take it too personally from just one person. I talked to a few people on those sites (have been on those for several years, some very briefly others for longer periods of time (one was a pen-pall for a couple years, was in an internet relationship with another, and dated one). I am sure it is harder coming out of a long term romantic relationship you want to be in another relationship that meets as many of your emotional needs. It may take time for that to happen, but that is the nice part about forums. Or at least I hope, I am also new. I just came out of a very deep but hurtful relationship with someone and feel as though I am getting worse or at least that my basic survival mechanism (acting normal) was just that a survival mechanism and not a way to live. At least you were diagnosed, I am still waiting after having recently come out but am fairly certain due to my family history.

Not every job requires schooling; sometimes a contractor makes more than a white collar worker. I've worked in construction for a while. Construction is something I never thought I would do being the bookish type. I strayed from construction and went to university to do research, but I digress. Construction is not that difficult, once you learn basic manual skills you can do well in several trades. You can also take night classes or something and catch up. My brother had some issues as well and went into drugs and alcohol for several years, which seem more difficult to get out of. He also lost grounds on his education during this time, but he did catch up and finish his high school. He could have went on for longer, but decided to stick to construction and is now a contractor with several employees. No he doesn't have Aspergers, it is just a personal example I thought I would share. So you can get choose to do something differently and change the circumstances, but it will take a great effort and perseverance.

the few jobs i've had were all terrible and left me too wiped to do anything else - and they were part time! so it could be worse.

tbh, i try to spend as much of my time making things and learning things as possible and i feel super lucky that i have the time to do that! i'm much less depressed than when i was working. i dunno, if there's anything you like to build or make or get creative with, even if other people might think it's silly, i feel like as long as you put effort into it, you feel okay at the end of the day.

for a while after i was on my own my "work" was just figuring out what i wanted to do and how to structure my day. (and i'm still working on it) it's seriously hard for anyone! a lot of people flip out when they retire because they can't handle it. we have a head start. personally, i found the the regular workday concept was backwards and i was following a routine that didn't actually work for me. now i do the "hard" stuff like cooking and cleaning early and then go to work on what i'm interested in.

i'm the same way with friends, they were always the ones that found me. as you get older you don't get forced into situations where that happens as much and your old friends are off doing their own thing. i'm trying to get into doing some volunteer stuff, but nerves/anxiety.

good luck.

No way, I've already claimed the "most pathetic person here" title.

Welcome to WP.

I tend to have interest phases than only last a month or two at best so I tend to stick to boring life long geeky crap like playing pc games but I've found my self wanting to play them less and less recently and haven't touched a game in days.

I've watched just about every documentary there is going

I honestly don't know what the hell to do with all the spare time I have any more, there's only so much you can do living alone and being alone 80% of the time.
I try to get out on my bike whenever I can cycling along the local river but living in the north of England the weather is usually crap, even when it doesn't rain the fog over night is so heavy it looks like it did and it just puts me off going out cycling because I know I won't enjoy it much in the wet and cold.

The summer weather can't come soon enough for me, I'm really introverted but it's not really a choice any more and I'm getting sick of it, but I can't just go out and make friends with random people
There doesn't seem to be any groups activities or hobbies worth going to around here as it's nearly all stuff organised for women or OAPs

I wish more ASD people would try to search each other out

There must be loads of similar ASD guys that would love to take up some outdoor hobby but are to scared to go out and do it on there own.
Even some of the people on here aren't even willing to put where they are from

Hi, this is a mess of typing, but it takes me hours to fix the structure and typos...

When I was a child and for many years later, I thought I was a loser and a failure.
I had huge amounts of anxiety and depression. I was lonely and wanted people to talk to, people to share interests with.
I still struggle with depression now, but not as badly right now as when I was young.

I had very few friends as a child, and very few as an adult.

I haven't had a successful relationship, and my single relationship, it wasn't until I was maybe 28 years old that I had one. It failed quickly because I lack social instincts and have difficulty expressing myself. I also have sensory problems and get overloaded some times, and can have meltdowns if the stress gets too bad. Non autistic people don't want to deal with meltdowns.

People just didn't like me, and they didn't care about me, and didn't mind treating me badly.
I could tell that almost no one cared about me, and many would just nonchalantly watch bullies abusing me like there was nothing bad going on.

With work and education I fell behind my peers, even though I scored well on the Standardized tests. It was not because I was stupid, it was because not one knew how to help an autistic kid in a class of normal people and they didn't care. They seem to have thought I was choosing to do everything the wrong way and was purposely spiraling myself into oblivion. I hated that my life was falling behind while other people were moving ahead. It was so very depressing.

Since we don't know how to socialize well, many people just consider us worthless and outcast us, and don't care if we suffer and are lonely.
Somehow they consider us subhuman, so to them it doesn't matter if we suffer.

Employment can be difficult because most employers and employees don't want someone in the workplace who is socially awkward, and weird, and are shy, or stim, or get sensory overloads.

Most people don't care about our failures and suffering. That is where many neurotypicals (normal people who are non autistic) lack empathy. They can't understand us at all and we don't obey their social protocols, so we are not accepted in their realm, and most of them don't care that this sucks for us. We have to play the game their way before they give us any recognition or acceptance.

It is possible to learn some things about neurotypical interactions, and try to mimic what you can't understand. I can't think like a neurotypicals, but I have learned some things about their interactions and how to try to mimic some of it. I am still pretty bad at it, but it helps me to interact with them when I need to.

Also it is not a good idea to try too hard to become like an neurotypicals because we cannot be one, and pretending to be one can wear yourself out. You still have to take breaks to be yourself and do things you like too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Going to the gym regularly helped me and diet, cutting out the s**t helps your brain work better imo,
plus the workout helps to mentally discipline your brain to think more positively and learn to push away bad thoughts,
I started with one day a week and maybe a walk around the block (bout 30 mins) on occasion when I had the burst of energy
and then I increased it (now it's 3 times a week), I have a personal trainer too
and I have become semi friends with him,
he used to play some basketball with me when he had the free time
and sometimes came over mine and played pool/8ball
he doesn't do that now cos he's busier but I explained to him my money situation
and he gave me a cheaper deal on my training sessions

Hi

I've just joined this I'm new on here and have read your story… I just wish i were closer as id go out on the bike with you, Im always going camping or on my own too, Ive just accepted it but it would good to have a mate to hang around with. Your not on your own mate, I'm 10 years older than you and have really made a mess of things LOL

Hi mate. Just to say the longest of journeys starts with a few small steps. Take things one step at a time. Get some qualifications from an adult education centre. That will help you get more jobs. When you get a job you will have less tine on your hands and meet more people. I know the feeling trying to get a diagnosis, but you've done the hard part with that.

The national autistic society have details of support and social clubs on their website.

Good luck mate

Yea it's really annoying that most other people on the internet with an ASD are so against making friends with other lonely ASD people that live near them, It's not like there is a shortage of us.....

I've never had an ASD friend but I can imagine my self being pretty relaxed around someone with similar issues as my self that actually understands what it's like


I think It's far to late for me, I would likely have to do my GCSE's before I could actually get onto a proper course that interested me.
As I said I stopped attending school when I was around 14 so my education is a bit shocking (biggest regret as I was as good as gold at school until 14 and never struggled)

I currently get disability benefits and they said if I had ever worked in the past I would have never been accepted on to them so if I did get a job and couldn't handle it I'd end up in a terrible position likely feeling suicidal and trapped.

I'd love to do volunteering somewhere quiet with no pressure where I could just get on with things by myself for the most part but if I ever did my benefits would be stopped completely so it's like I'm not allowed any self-esteem

You need to speak to someone about your benefits, as I'm not sure that you've been given the right advice about not bring able to claim ever again once you work. Try visiting your local citizens advice bureau and asking to speak to a welfare advisor. There are many people on adult education centres without qualifications and the one I wet to was very pro disabled access and they can give you free tuition so stones if your on welfare.

Good luck.