New to this website. New to Asperger's. HELP!

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Last summer I was told by two different people (one a school psychologist-both have known me for years) that I might have Asperger’s Syndrome. Almost all of the characteristics of Asperger’s are in my life and have been there since birth. To put it personally, I cannot connect with people on a close or intimate way. I have never had an ongoing close or intimate relationship with anyone in my life including my mother or anyone in my family. I have always been on the fringes of relationships, always on the outside looking in. I’ve never really felt like I was a part of anything. I’m an orphan of the world-not because others have made me that (although that has also happened, but because that’s the way I am. As much as I try, I can’t get close, I can’t love or relate to others.

People don’t feel comfortable around me because I’m different and they don’t know what to do with me. I’m different in appearance, in behaviors, in speech, in relating. As a result, I am looked down on most of the time, or passed by. I’m rarely invited over someone’s house, or asked to go out with someone anywhere. I have never been on a committee, or had any leadership position. I’m different so people don’t trust me.

I’m also prickly. I lose my temper easily, not from anger, but from fear. No reason. I just do it. I have tried to change but I have not really seen any victory in my life. When I lose my temper I can cry for more than an hour about it. I have tried over and over, for many years to change. I’ve tried everything dozens and dozens of times. Done it for decades. I get tired of it all.

I go through depression every so often. I see that my life virtually has not changed and I am the same lonely, hopeless, isolated, fearful, failing person I always was. I am making the same mistakes and doing the same things. I try to change. I do everything I know to do. . Nothing changes. After several months of this, I go back to the same depression, realizing that I am the same and nothing has changed. This is my life. This has been my life for the last almost 35 years. Sometimes I just want to die.

You see it would be different if I had another problem. If I was blind or lame or had cancer (I don't wish for these and I’m thankful I don’t have them). People would see and understand my problem. But with Asperger's I cannot love. I cannot connect. It’s getting so I don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of the whole thing.

Thanks for reading. I had to be honest with someone. One good thing about this website is, I can say what I think and no one laughs, no one interrupts and changes the subject, no one walks away. I have tried to explain to others and they discount my problem (“everyone has trouble....”). Thanks for reading this.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to WP. I can relate to your frustration. The constant loneliness and need for understanding is something I have to deal with on a daily basis. Glad you found us

Hi! I hope you find some hope here... so many already have.

Hi, welcome aboard ! ! Do check the different forums for a variety of topics ! !

Please don't be offended by the make believe religions, don't step on the sock puppets, and never respond to a bot ! !!

Fanny:
I can relate to a lot of what you describe, although naturally my details have been different and I've managed to work around some of the obstacles sometimes. Even so, the inner universe remains the same. I think I've loved some people. I have a daughter who I KNOW I love, although I don't think I feel it or express it in the same way most people do (but who knows?). She knows I love her, though, so who cares?

Anyway, people here know where you're coming from, so by all means, "vent." Just out of curiosity, though, I have to ask: why are you still trying so hard to change if it never works and you don't really want or need to have the things you don't have (I mean the relationships you seem to be saying you don't want)? If you really don't need them, why not just say to hell with it and be yourself, at least when you can. I realize that in order to keep a job and otherwise function in an NT world you need to "pass." Or did I misunderstand, and you do want to have relationships and feel love and so on?

I'm 58, and I've also spent most of my life trying to fit in and not understanding why I couldn't. I wanted, and still want, to have a close relationship and to love and be loved, but I'm getting to the point where I will truly accept that it will never happen. I'm not quite ready to give up hope yet, but I'm very close. Strangely enough, though, I'm finding that the less I expect deep relationships, to more I'm able to enjoy the pseudo-relationships that I can manage and the solitary life that seems to be my fate. I'm still terribly, soul-destroyingly lonely at times, and I feel extremely vulnerable because I know that no one cares enough about me to help me if I'm ever really in need. But most of the time I can ignore all that and let myself enjoy what I have. It's more than most of humanity has, after all, and it fits me, not the NT stereotype.

Perhaps that's a symptom of advancing age, but if so, at least it's something to look forward to.

Welcome aboard.

welcome...fanny, remember this:You are you and will never be more than you. You must celebrate all who you are. Breath in all what life gives you.
you count: 6. .
I have an angry problem at times but, i think of something that always makes me laugh. I find that helps me get through my urge to lose my temper. If you're at home then, find a pillow in scream into it.

That's how i get through most of my life without losing my mind.

here's a quote:"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."-Theodor Seuss Geisel

Hi and welcome to WP

This sounds like a good place for you. Look forward to helping in way we can

Welcome n stuff ^_^

Hi Fanny, and welcome to WP.

Hope you enjoy yourself here and find it useful.

some days are incredibly difficult arent they. it does help me to realise that there are some people who understand the kind of problems i have. . most of my life no one has, even though they have tried to. in fact rather than having a s being an alienating condition, on the wrong planet you are guaranteed a welcome and some a s empathy. hallelujah.

Welcome! Yeah, sounds Aspie all right. The good thing is that we are capable of learning to be competent socializers... not the best, but good enough.

So, what's your talent/obsession/special ability?

Hi and welcome to WP . Hope you enjoy it here. It's a great place to be and very supportive.

Fanny, you're off to a good start.

lizmcg, how about posting a pic?? (I thought I was the eldest ASpie spokesperson here.)