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CW: suicidal ideation

Hi everyone!

I’m 22, male, and I realized half a month ago that I was on the spectrum (OTS) after a panic attack I had at a “support group” for depression, manic depression in my case. I was at the “support” group mostly due to loneliness and trying to make new friends. As the quotes above suggest, the facilitators and members did the worst harm possible to me. Members were pressuring me to “fix” my Spectrum qualities to “improve my fitting in.” Those “solutions” were given toward my difficulties with abstract thought and speaking, difficulty reading/looking at faces, and difficulty with my Alexithymia. (Look it up. It’s a great word). They tried to kill these Spectrum qualities that were and are a part of me and left me suicidal. Since then there was a 9-day hospitalization from an identity crisis and then better support groups when I was discharged coming out. The staff at inpatient were supportive as is the day program I’m going to now. Sadly, my family coming around is a different matter. Dad thinks Autism is something to be cured, my Mom is on the fence, and my siblings are still somewhat in the dark about it.

But, if you want to skip the unhappy past and go straight to the uncertain future, I’m switching universities and am now uncertain how many people I’ll meet who are also OTS or tolerant. Even though I am very outgoing, I get anxiety each time I consider “coming out” to people because I (often rightly) fear that they will either pity me or think I’m making it up. If I don’t “come out” then my gaze aversion from people’s faces makes them think that I’m rude or shy or insincere—none of which are true. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing here. None that would bother me if I had a few in-person friends, but my switching schools for academic reasons means that I have no in-person friends anymore.

Long story short, I’m looking for fellow people OTS to be myself with and connect to amidst the hardship of life. I feel happier when I have people to make jokes with, confide in, and love. That’s what life is all about for me.

Hello Odysseus84, welcome to WP =]

I can obviously only speak for myself. I try to be as open as I can with the people around me. My conscious honesty tends to bring out a similar response from others, and when it doesn't it just scares them away anyway, so it's a natural deterrent. I rarely need to go so far as to announce that I'm Aspie, but when I do I try to make those words flow easily.

Many Aspies including myself have had to educate their families from scratch. That part is much easier after diagnosis, which seems to make it as real to family as it's always been to you.

I don't think you need to polarise the university situation as you have, but it's understandable and part of the condition. I think I'd suggest keeping it in mind that you'll be the new guy to them, not necessarily the rude, shy or insincere guy.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome!

Welcome to Wrong Planet - I think many of us have been down the road you describe. If it's any consolation, the older you get generally the better things are.

Cheers

Welcome! Sorry to hear that you've had bad experiences with support groups.

Thanks for the warm response, everyone! It feels really nice.