New member - Need support and insight PLEASE!

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My son is 24 and has struggled with anxiety and depression, mild Tourette's (non verbal tics) and ADD all his life. But these diagnoses just don't explain his behavior. As a young child I noticed he was "different" nothing outstanding, but he had difficulty making decisions, got frustrated easily and needed constant reminding to do things. He never wanted to join family outings like going to the beach or bike riding. He said he didn't like it, but we were always able to get him to reluctantly join in. He would have fun once he got there..he just always resisted family or social events. He has always had friends (although all "outcast types") He has had girlfriends and is relatively social but is not a particularly thoughtful boyfriend. He is super smart and was in gifted programs in elementary school but always needed prodding and micro management in order to get homework and chores done. He plays piano and was a terrific actor in the local community theater when he was an adolescent. He gave up both when he found a girlfriend. He has a passion for electronic music production, loves music and writing. He wants to be a Music Producer but but never follows though on anything. He plays video games constantly and/or seems to have on-line additions. He lies (and always has) constantly to avoid admitting he was wrong, lies about applying for jobs, lies about working on his music, he even pretended to go to work for weeks after he quit. He has not kept a job for more than a few months and I am usually the one to find the job for him. He doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of budgeting money, he overdrafts constantly even though we taught him how to check is balance on line and at the bank many times. He won't eat unless he is reminded, he has horrible hygiene practices and we need to remind him to wash, brush his teeth and clip nails....He's 24!! ! If he wanted to go to college we were willing to pay for everything. He declined. We stated if he didn't go to school, he would have to work and help out around the house. He exhibited a complete failure to launch. At 18 and after almost a year of arguing about his "laziness" (Which I wasn't convinced was the real issue - his father did) He kicked him out thinking that would get him off the couch and working. That was a complete failure. I made him come home after 3 months of couch surfing with friends. He lost 15 pounds and was filthy. I don't think he has any of the skills necessary or ability to make it on his own. He doesn't seem to connect the dots the same way other young men do. I often wondered if he might have Aspergers but he did not show any of the "typical" listed symptoms found on-line such as being "anti-social, awkward, not getting social ques...etc." He didn't fit the "Mold". Now I feel like a complete failure as a mom for not being able to help him or figuring out earlier what is preventing him from living a happy and productive life. I am afraid to bring up Aspergers to him because I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. he knows something is wrong, but he thinks its just depression. I tend to disagree. Any help or comments are appreciated. I may be way off base...but I am grasping at straws at this point. I am not saying it is a bad thing for him to have Aspergers, I am trying to determine the whys and help him. There are soo many positive things about him but that is a whole other LONG post.

Hello KSomeone

I just wanted to welcome you to WrongPlanet! Maybe your son has some traits of AS, I don't know, but no one is 100% neurotypical nor 100% autistic, so it is very possible that he would have a few traits without necessarily be diagnosed with it.

I suggest joining us on the General discussion forums, of course you won't get a diagnosis from us, but to the least it helps to share our experiences and issues, and the good things too, and maybe some people can give you a few good advices.

Again welcome, you will see WP is a very nice site, I always recommend it.

I agree with Shadi in that no one is 100% autistic or 100% NT, and also I'd like to put in that no one has all the typical traits and no atypical traits. A person can absolutely be outgoing and extroverted and autistic. Though they are usually extroverted in their own way.

His "failure to launch" really reminds me of me. I am just a little older than your son and I still feel like a kid in many ways - I have extreme difficulty obtaining and keeping a job, just the thought of filling out applications and then possibly even going in for an interview makes me sick with dread, which is embarrassing for me so I try not to show it. I have pretty extreme social anxiety, and that sort of situation sets it off really bad, even though I do have some friends and do like to socialize with them, it's different. I still just want to play video games and watch cartoons and am still just getting the hang of cleaning up and doing chores and making myself food and keeping myself fed (I never feel hungry until hours and hours after the last time I ate - then I'm suddenly ravenous). That's why I agree with the classification of autism as a developmental disorder - I can see that my peers develop faster than I do. Everyone else my age seems to be married with kids, a home, a job and a car, and I still shy away from taking my driver's test. Everything that others seem to have no problem doing is very daunting to me, and often I can't complete milestones my peers fly through gleefully without a great deal of effort...and even once I've finally done it, I feel little to no gratification until much later...I wasn't ready for it.

I think you probably should bring it up to him at some point, just because I never felt "okay" with myself until I learned that I had a condition, which others had, and which could be worked with (I have picked up a lot of tips from others online, such as coping mechanisms, which make my life easier). Before that, I was just "weird" for no reason, and everyone thought I was "being annoying" (read: "having autistic traits") on purpose because I was a bad, bad person and deserved to be ostracized and/or punished in some way. So at least now, when people mistreat me, I know it's because I have a condition and they are being ablist, not because I deserve it somehow, and that makes a serious difference to my psyche. I can't advise you on how to bring it up, and he may not be receptive to it, but he deserves a chance to relate to others like himself.

You sort of remind me of my mum...you really shouldn't blame yourself. Giving birth does not come with a degree in psychology, you can not be expected to know what was "up" with your son from an early age, especially since back then, basically no one knew anything about autism or especially asperger's/HFA. It sounds like you tried a lot of different tactics and that's really good. And honestly, the treatments that your son could have been exposed to back then, had he been diagnosed somehow, could have been very brutal and may have actually inhibited his development, so try not to regret it. He's grown up now, and has some issues, but he can talk and socialize and that's more than many of us can manage.

My mum sort of views my condition as a long, long childhood. She lets me play my games and teaches me how to use the washing machine over and over again until I can do it. I hope someday to be as capable as she is (she also has asperger's), so I can take care of her when she's old. She helps me with my life skills (paying bills, budgeting time and money, cooking healthy dishes, etc) and doesn't make unreasonable demands on me like producing grandchildren or launching my career. It's all about baby steps, I guess.

I wonder if your son might be more receptive to being checked out for autism if he could qualify for social security? I'm applying for SSI because I have such low and infrequent income, and I might be able to qualify for low-income housing, food stamps, and healthcare, so I won't, you know, starve and be homeless if I were to lose my support system. It wasn't my first choice, but after several years of "failure to launch"...some financial security would be welcome at this point. I hate having to beg others for food and a place to sleep.

I just wanted to say: great message BecauseImArtistic!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Shadi2 wrote: