Living with Aspergers

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Some of you all were talking about working at Wal-Mart as a greeter-Hell, I can't even keep a job at Wal-Mart period. I was fired about two months ago after working there as a cashier for almost four years.

Now I don't know what to do. When I told my technical school teacher about it, he told me to just forget about working and live off disability (less than $800 per month). He told me that since I am 55 now, it is now too late to have an enjoyable career. When I talked to my primary care doctor and psychiatrist, they agreed.

Don't tell me to go to voc rehab--they are a joke. They have no experience with mental disorders and when I went to them before, they could not place me in a job. If I were to go back now, they will probably tell me that if I can't hold a job at Wal-Mart, I probably won't be able to keep a job anywhere else. In fact, a long time ago, they evaluated me and said I needed treatment, but my mother would not accept it, calling them incompetent.

I blame my parents for my miserable life--they knew all along that something was wrong with me but I got no help. I never received any career counseling in school, probably because of my terrible work history or maybe because no one knew what to do. I have been fired from every job I have had since the spring of 1991--three accounting jobs, three retail jobs either because of incompetence or inability to get along with others. My parents, when they were angry, which was about all the time, would tell me I did not have sense enough to hold a job--and I believed it, I still believe it today. They constantly held the threat of pulling me out of school over my head when I did not please them. When I graduated from college, I could not find a job and begged my parents to take me to a psychiatrist. They refused, saying that after they paid for college, they were not paying for a mental exam too. I even offered to pay for it, but they still refused. Their insurance would have covered it, but no--they did not want the embarrassment. I hate my parents to this day, and I hope they are burning in hell. They have scarred me for life. They took away my chances for a successful career, good friends, and a happy life. I have missed it all.

My college professors and technical school instructors saw me as unemployable and told me not to ask them for a reference or recommendation for neither a job or an internship--they said I needed treatment rather than employment. I believed them then, and I still believe it today.

On top of being cheated out of a life by my parents and being deemed unemployable by professors and teachers, I don't even have a church family. They said for me not to come to any of their functions because I bothered them. To not find acceptance even in the church is about as low as you can get--I withdrew my membership and I am never going to church again. I am a complete social outcast. Why does everyone hate me?

Fast forwarding, I have been in treatment for several years now, but nothing has really helped--I am not getting any better and I probably won't. In fact, about a month ago, I wanted to be hospitalized, but no beds were available anywhere. I wish I could have a massive heart attack and die. If I cannot enjoy a happy, independent life why can't I just die? I envy the fact that now Aspergers is recognized as a mental disorder and that kids who are like me can now get help--but for me help came too late. I have totally given up, in case you haven't gotten the message. Why don't they just put me in a mental hospital and be done with it?

four years is a long time for someone who is "unemployable" to hold a job. with your work history, you would get SSDI rather than SSI, more money and the ability to work part-time and make up to $1070 per month in 2014 (it goes up with the COLA) and still keep your full SSDI benefit. you might find life more enjoyable without having to worry about full-time work. i know i do. how does that sound?

I like your icon, Cooler; it's what I feel like on a constant basis.

Cathylynn offers excellent advice; why don't you go on SSDI?

It's true: not many people, even complete NT's hold jobs for as much as four years.

Forget about the church.

Do you have any special interests?

I'll have to some research on that--or you could do some research. There's definitely a maximum that one could make before one is cut off from SSDI. It's better than SSI, though.

When I read what you wrote, a strong feeling overcomes me: I believe you must make a new start, and try not to let the past influence that fresh start. Yes, the past is the past, and it happened, etc. However, it is counterproductive to harp on it to the point where you are disabled in other aspects of your life.

I read where one could earn up to $1,000 per month, or $12,000 per year gross salary, and still remain on SSDI. I would consult with a caseworker about this issue.

If you work 20 hours a week, and make $10 per hour, you would gross $800 per month. That would be under the threshold--and you would probably still maintain your benefits.

I would still consult with a caseworker, though.

LOL....I'm in New York City. Never heard of the place.

Nothing can stop you from applying there. Just don't tell them you're Aspie!