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Hi folks,

I registered a while ago, but I've finally got around to introducing myself. I'm a 37-yr old Aspie (Clinical, not Armchair), and a career soldier in the British Army. By way of an intro, it was suggested that I post this poem. My wife assured me that I wasn't very poetic, so I said that I would compose one for Valentine's Day this year (I was in Afghanistan at the time). This was the result. 1337 words in iambic tetrameter.

Your Quatrains from Aspergistan

From worlds away, Afghanistan
You wish some verse to make you smile
And so an ode I start to plan
Replete with romance, wit and wile

And at the start it worked just fine
But shallow were the words I penned
And downright hollow over time
The page seemed empty at the end

So rather than be insincere
And woo you with some worthless rhyme
I thought I?d try something I fear
And try to show my self this time

To say my life?s commensurate
To actors in a film or play
May really be quite accurate
A mask to wear and words to say

Without a mentor, no headstart
Confusion and excess of pain
Encouraged me to play a part
Impelled me to perform and feign

And everything you think I feel
Is not quite felt the way you do
While not the same, though, no less real
I do feel things, that much is true

I cannot easily explain
How this has been my life, my fate
I do feel anger, love and pain
And hurt a great deal more, of late

Because I see it cut you too
The fact I can?t relate a lot
So what I?m really trying to do
Is map my thoughts for you somewhat

It?s taking something of a chance
But please don?t feel like you?ve been conned
Eschewing notions of romance
I hope to reinforce our bond

But trying to connect at all
No easy task, I must confess
While words come quick, my senses stall
Emotions are a scrambled mess

What chance have I, to get this right
When I?m not wired for heartfelt tales?
Cannot relate all that I might
My great vocabulary fails

To rhyme some words, easy enough
No setback, if your brain?s like mine
But to emote is pretty tough
With broken signals down the line

And surely it requires of me
Affinity with love and rage
A certain sensitivity
To pour my soul onto the page

I want to move you, touch your heart
In ways that you will understand
But have no clue where I should start
My will is sinking in the sand

My gaze turns up, the stars are bright
No light pollution screens the sky
A billion pinholes in the night
Illuminate me as I cry

The gulf between my thoughts and yours
Like reaching out to touch a star
Too far away, a hopeless cause
Each one seems nearer than you are

Frustration plagues me, ties my tongue
I feel I won?t achieve my goal
The words I want come out all wrong
In black and white, devoid of soul

I scream in silence, head in hands
My broken brain begins to stray
And thoughts trail off like severed strands
Then once again I drift away

How many days since I last wrote?
Exasperated, needing rest
No single verse or scribbled note
I took time off from your request

But back once more into the fray
And here again my way is blocked
I struggle thinking what to say
The plan is riven, doors are locked

It was perhaps a foolish whim
That I would gain ability
By magic in the interim
That until now eluded me

So how should I accomplish this?
Continue on without a guide?
No spotter to call hit or miss
There?s no-one in whom to confide

This may turn out a dreadful mess
Cause damage I may never mend
No choice now but to onward press
And see it through until the end

So I?ve confessed that I?m a fake
I act as I think people ought
It was the only choice to make
The other options led to naught

I might have stayed alone, benign
My own cerebral prison cell
Existed by my own design
In my exclusive social hell

I chose instead to try to learn
How normal people interact
And wondered if I could, in turn
Acquire the skills I clearly lacked

I realised much later on
Were moral compass not so true
How badly wrong that could have gone
And what I could have turned into

So thanks, good parents, teachers, friends
Who set, and kept, me on this track
I follow optimistic trends
And have no need of looking back

Now marching forward, literally
If you?ll excuse the dreadful pun
My life within the military
Is certainly a fruitful one

Consistent uniformity
Parades, inspections, timings kept
These things sit well with OCD
And socially I?m more adept

Events and speeches in the Mess
And ?recreation? in the bar
Have helped my social game progress
My handicap approaches par

So two thumbs up, the challenge met
In public all is well and good
But there?s another puzzle yet
My private game is still a dud

These skills cannot be put to use
Engaging with my lover-friend
The rules are special, more abstruse
Conceptions I can?t comprehend

Now that is nothing new, of course
But this time there?s no room for lies
So this is my vexation?s source
My mind won?t let me verbalise

I try to find a word or phrase
But nothing matches what I sense
Like stumbling blind inside a maze
Through undergrowth that?s far too dense

The briar of my tangled thought
Is full of threads I cannot parse
And speechless sat, securely caught
I pull the thorns out of my arse

Implicit notions left unsaid
They look like nonsense written down
It?s best they stay inside my head
Lest I appear a dribbling clown

You?re more important than you know
A fundamental quantity
I wish I had the skill to show
Exactly what you mean to me

So where I fail, may you succeed
Perceive the words not written here
You may not see them as you read
Still locked inside my mind, I fear

It?s late at night, the deadline nears
A thousand words already penned
I?ve rambled for what feels like years
And now it?s almost at an end

But then into the mix is thrown
A vibrant possibility
A tiny notion has just grown
Into an almost certainty

Epiphany now softens doubt
And adds it to the crucible
A solid thought is hammered out:
The ?L? word may be useable

It fits the bill, this timeless word
Not learned or taught, ineffable
Just known and felt, not voiced or heard
Explains why this was terrible

There is no reason, rationale
That?s why I struggled to explain
It is not sound or logical
That?s why it caused me so much pain

If I were neurotypical
Perhaps I?d take it all as read
But that is not applicable
And does not sit well in my head

Analysis, and scrutiny
Reducing to constituents
Is how the world makes sense to me
I break things down to elements

No wonder then, I wrestled so
With this intangible desire
And did not know which way to go
To track this notion through the mire

For here there is no place to start
No single footprint in the mud
I have no knowledge of my heart
As all it does is pump my blood

I still don?t fully comprehend
So what to do, if that?s the case?
Perhaps continue to pretend
And hope the pieces fall in place

Accept that I may never know
Continue, sans analysis
And recognise that what I hold
Is wonderful just as it is

And knowing that, this trek fulfilled
The journey through my mind complete
And never have I deeper drilled
My depths were mined, placed at your feet

So as I led you by the hand
Through this abridged account of me
I hope you came to understand
That you are vital, crucial, key

I?m still not sure just where I?m at
Perplexed and stymied, still confused
But now I have decided that
If L?s the word, let it be used

So barring none, without a doubt
The person I love most in life
I never want to be without
My friend, my valentine, my wife

Man.....that's great!

You should post it in the Writers' section. Make sure you copyright it.

Has your wife seen it? Of course she has LOL

It's really about the heartsickness of Asperger's, the frustrations. Do you feel like you've achieved a catharsis by writing this?

I admire you; I don't think I would have made it in any army--not in the front line of war, any way.

You should compose sonnets as well.

Welcome to the Forums. There are many interesting, poetic people here.

And interesting nonpoetic ones as well.

By the way, as a reflection of your screen name:

I've been known to howl like a wolf within the New York City subways.

There was also a hit-making group in the 1970s called "Lobo."

Ah, yes. The urge to howl in echoing tunnels...

I didn't know there was a writers' section, this being my first post. I'll have a look for it later on. It was definitely cathartic composing, but I'm not sure I'd like to go through it again. Maybe I'd write about something less personal if I ever did it again.

Thanks for the welcome, anyway. Glad to be here.

It's a poem people with Asperger's could definitely relate to.

Also: It's in a traditional meter, which adds to the "craft" aspect of it.

There was a great soldier poet who wrote poems during the First World War. I forgot his name; perhaps I could Google it so you'll know who he is. You might derive inspiration from him. The guy was killed in battle, by the way, which makes it all the more poignant.

I believe the guy's name is William Noel Hogsdon

Amazing poem!! !
Welcome, Lobo, to WP, the place where we all fit

Thanks very much. The last year or so has been amazing for me, in terms of what I've come to understand about myself, and some of the articles on here were part of that.

Wow!! !

Speechless! Well... almost.

Thanks lots for sharing that!

I could have written that myself... if only I had the ability. Actually, I doubt I could ever produce anything like that but I can certainly relate to it.

A BIG welcome to WP Lobo!! !