My name is Todd. I'm 29. I've never put two and two together about Asperger's until last year. I had done some work with someone who had been diagnosed with Asperger's ask me if I had ever been diagnosed with it. I didn't really know what to say. She had noticed how I interacted and behaved, particularly the "penguin walk" I have. I've tried scheduling with a mental health professional to get a diagnosis but the waiting list in my area is over 16 months. I guess I'm at the point that I just want to talk to someone about it as I've always noticed something is off about me.
Over the years I've noticed some rather odd habits and traits that make want to seek a diagnosis. I have an issue with communication in person. Any kind of eye contact makes me extremely uncomfortable. I've had to work over the years to make brief eye contact only so I don't get in trouble. When I do make eye contact I'm counting down 3 seconds in my head so I can finally look away. I usually find things in the room that are interesting to look at. I also have trouble appropriately responding to people's emotions. I enjoy making people laugh as smiling seems to be the only reaction I really understand well. Usually it backfires on my horribly as I'll say something that is either offensive or they don't understand. When I was growing up, I was constantly in trouble for something I said. I manage by staring at the floor and not talking. I avoid conflict at all costs.
I do well in my career as I work in computers. I have the lights off in my office, sit and listen to music with big headphones, and I'm not often disturbed. I use my headphones as my escape hatch. They're noise cancelling and produce quite a bit of bass. I can't listen to some music or have a certain kind of sound that causes ear shattering pain. I always have a plan for somewhere to leave to if I get too bugged out by noise. My office is pretty dark because some light hurts my eyes. I have yellow tint glasses that I'll wear if it gets too bad. For some reason it helps.
I'm embarrassed to say my hygiene is fair at absolute best. I'll often when there same clothes for 5 or 6 days until I notice they smell, underwear included. I'll also often go the same length of time without bathing. I'm a rather petite build man so I can get away with it. Shaving I have trouble being motivated to do it. The most I will do is shave it off with my beard trimmer. I don't like using a razor because of how it feels. To be frank, the only reason I change my cloth or bath is because I have to leave my house. I don't really brush my teeth too often but frequently pick them clean with a dental brush. The only reason I don't have cavities is because of the shape of my teeth. I'm sure they'd all rot out otherwise.
What's contradictory to not bathing for days is, I love taking extremely long, very hot showers. When I was younger I would frequently come out of the shower almost beat red. My mom would frequently point it out. Something about hot water feels good. I've read on this forum that some here do this as well, in the dark. I don't frequently shower with the lights off but I love it when I do. Something about it is really calming and helps me fall asleep.
I have problems having friendships and relationships with people. Most of my friends are online and I don't physically interact with. The number of real friends I have could be counted on one hand. I'm luckily married otherwise I would only have 1 friend instead of 2. I have a better relationship with my cats than with people. I think I don't have many because if I have a stressful day I'm prone to having hissy fits. It's always something else I'm stressed about but I blow up over a minor change in my schedule as the scapegoat. I can't take a joke even though I love joking. I very often times can't tell if someone is joking or being sarcastic.
The only way I can get through the day is to stick to my highly regimented schedule. I drink black tea with condensed milk almost all day long (4-5 cups). It's part of my daily ritual along with going to the bathroom which organizes my day. I make sure to drink lots of liquids and caffeine so I'll always have an excuse to go to bathroom when I get overstimulated or stressed. Since the focus of my job is more so on being physically available to fix problems, I'm allowed to spend my day as I please.
I'm not really looking to draw any kind of attention or anything of the such by being on this forum. Since getting an actual diagnosis will take at least a year, I just want to talk with other people who experience the same thing. Every person I've ever met who has had Asperger's has been very interesting to meet. I enjoy hearing about unusual or less well known subjects. I love studying. I've been learning Russian for the past 3 years and I have a life long interest in computers and electronics. I've done about every project or craft project that you can find in a hobby shop. I'm also extremely fascinated with insects and space. Feel free to talk to me about whatever. I'll do my best to respond as I have children and they're time consuming. :-p
25 Jun 2014, 7:46 pm
