New, stressed and unsure

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My aunt has recently been diagnosed with aspergers and after not speaking for a long time (no real reason, she just lives in a different country so we don't really talk) she messaged me and told me she thought I had aspergers too. A couple of years ago a psychologist I was seeing back then said she thought I had it too. Add and ADHD run really strongly in my family (my parents and siblings have all been diagnosed with one or the other).

I know I have a lot of the symptoms, but I've learned over many years to ignore my symptoms and to act how those around me, especially my family, wanted me to. I feel so judged, and like I'll get in trouble when I do things like rock, or hum monotonously, or even little things like smell my food before eating it. I work really hard to hide it when I just can't stop myself from touching things in shops, or anywhere else. I try so hard to blend in with everyone else but I know socially I just fail at it.

Right now I'm really stressed, and I just want to hide under my table. When I was younger I had a big box in my room that I'd hide in when I got stressed. It got thrown out eventually and I still miss it so much. When I'm stressed I just need a small and dark space but I don't really have one here. Hiding under my sheets is no good because the fabric annoys me when it touches me when I'm stressed, even though it's really soft and really comfortable otherwise. I'm stressed because I've just started back up with my education (I'm not at school, I'm almost 21 and am studying journalism) and because tomorrow I'm getting my wisdom teeth out. I wouldn't tell my family because I know they'd just tell me I'm being silly, but I'm scared to get my wisdom teeth out in case later in life I'd miss them. I just find it hard to let go of things, even if I don't want them. The pain is also really worrying, and I'm not even sure how I'll get home after the procedure yet...

On Saturday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist that I've seen before because I'm trying to get some medication for ADHD because I don't think I can finish my course without it. I'm thinking about talking to her about aspergers, but whenever I tried to talk to my family about it they just told me I was being silly, so I'm really worried about talking to people about it. I fear being shut down or told off, so I usually just try to avoid it even if it means missing out on help that I need...

I just keep feeling like everything is too much right now and I just want to hide. I'm thinking about getting a nice wooden storage box for my birthday so that I can hide, but if my family ever found out they'd mock me. I don't live at home, I actually live alone, but it's not working that well. I can't move back home because I can't handle living with my family, but living on my own I keep forgetting to eat, or I get too stressed to cook, or I get lonely, or things like that. My landlord gave me permission to get a pet rat, but I can't find a pet store that sells rats yet...

Thanks to anyone who read this


PS.
I scored 37 in the AQ test

Welcome to the Forum.

You have lots of kindred spirits here!

You're always Right on WrongPlanet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome!
I will get my wisdom teeth out soon, too. I guess I know a little bit how you feel. They are a part of me and so I don´t want them to "leave" me although I know it is better to get them out. I am worried about the pain like you, I hope it won´t be too bad.

Well, I got two of the teeth out. I was supposed to get all four out but I decided to get the top two out later.
I didn't expect it to be so easy! I think I was really lucky and got a really good dental surgeon! He only spent a few seconds on each tooth and then they were out! He only needed to use local anesthetic as well, so I just trained and bused home. It doesn't hurt that badly now either. I'm not even on any pain killers.

Welcome to this forum.

Good to hear that taking out your wisdom teeth did not hurt like you thought it would. You did good! I am scared to death of the dentist

I have read your first post and really feel for you. It feels to me like you are acting like everybody wants and you are never the real you. I know how that feels because I always did that when I was younger. Its horrible to never be comfortable with yourself around other people. I also feel that you have the wrong people around you, people that don't respect you for who you are. If your family mocks you they are being ***holes. My family is like that to and I just kicked them out of my live, not that you have to do that. Most people just don't understand and when they know, they will change their behavior. I can't guarantee that unfortunately.

I know it is hard to hear and hard to do but you should really not care what other people think of you. You deserve respect and you should not have to change your behavior for other people. Be who you want to be and act like you want to act. Even if you were perfect (which nobody is), people always have something to nag about. The person who is the most important is you. All others should come secondary.

You feel like a very sensitive and good person to me. You don't need to hide yourself. Be proud of who you are. Don't let others get you down.

Emphasize what you are good at and the other things just aren't that important. It isn't what you can't do but what you can.

I wish there will be better times for you soon.

P.S. Good that you live on your own. Be proud of that. It can be hard but it's really a big accomplishment. Structure is very important to someone with autism, ADD or ADHD. Maybe you should try making a daily schedule to follow. Makes life much more manageable. Believe me, I use it myself.

Rats are nice pets, had one as a kid and loved him to bits. Shame they don't live that long, that's why I stopped having rats as pets. I now have dogs. Dogs are wonderful. Does your landlord accept dogs (or cats maybe)?

Yeah, I know to be yourself and all that, but I learned that doing that will leave you alone. Even if people are only friends with who you pretend to be, at least they're around that way. It's better to have friends who don't even know the first thing about you then to have no friends at all. As for my family, I'm living away from home but I'm still financially dependent on them. I can't rock the boat too much with them. They moved to a remote part of this country where it's really bad, lots of poverty, violence, very little opportunities and things to do, etc, and it's really hot there. I didn't go with them, but while I was struggling with things they kept saying that I should move up there with them and the thought terrified me so much that now I feel like I have to act perfect for them or they'll force me to move up there. I don't think they really would, but the thought terrifies me.

Definitely not cats or dogs. It was hard enough to convince my landlords to let me have a rat. I love dogs though. I have a dog that belongs to my neighbours that I call my friend. I pat her whenever I pass their house (which is often) and I think I'm closer to her than most of my human friends even though I only get to pat her through a fence for a couple of minutes six or so times a week...There's a cat I pat sometimes too, but only when she shows up at the park late at night when I'm there.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I heard those bad stories, too. When I told my colleague that I get my wisdom teeth out she told me some of the stories she heard and her own story also was not that good.
Your story was my hope that it not has to be so bad and I hoped I would be one of the lucky ones like you what became true.