Hello readers of WP. I have been posting for a while now. I have been getting over a a relationship with a girl that has been Diagnosed with AS. I lived with her and I have to admit it was difficult and rewarding experience to have lived with her. Unfortunately, my own mental difficulties of anxiety and depression started to degrade the relationship that I promised never to leave. I know now more that ever that fear kills relationships no matter the neuro combination.
All my life I thought I was like every one else. I tried because I copied every one. From TV cartoons my parents family and friends. I memorized the original Star Wars movies and who made what special effect. My symptoms of HFA was not apparent due to the fact my parents always thought that I was just an over imaginative kid that like to play by himself. My own sister had her set of problems with schizophrenia. I played the part as the son that was came out ok.
After a life of bad friendships and lopsided relationships my ex GF brought to light that I needed therapy. The isolation and my service in the military had taken a toll. The therapists I was going to did not notice I was showing signs of Asperger's Syndrome. They were not aspie psychologists after all. As I co habitat-ed with my now ex girl friend she prior was diagnosed with AS, my own symptoms were apparent. She had stated that I was to illogical ( or stupid) to have Aspergers syndrome. Her own doctor was a different story. Her doctor thought that I had Asperger's syndrome after only an hour of having a joint session with my ex girlfriend.
My anxiety and depression broke us apart and I moved out. At first I was relieved that I was able to acquire my identity from our separation until I realized that the pattern of failed relationships is leading me into a cycle of isolation. I called her doctor and went through the process of a diagnosis. The results came back that I to have High Functioning Autism also known as Asperger's Syndrome. It is humorous to realize that my ex girl friend and I criticized each other about our own specific autism symptoms.
I found out last week and now I am picking up the pieces of all the missed social ques, rudeness,narrow interests with stubbornness has pushed the people I want to love away. My identity now has a foundation. I know my limits now and I know why I go into panic attacks. I wish I listened to my ex girl friend to get a diagnosis earlier, even if I had to defy her to see her doctor, I am glad I did it. The pain of losing her still turns my stomach. Does life get better once you know when your older? I want to say it is all up to me. I do not want to end up being the old man in the support group that no one talks to.
I miss my jazzbabe, she was pretty special and tore down the walls of who I was hiding. If I could do it all over again I would have listened more and found the right people to talk too. Never the less I invite her and all of you on this journey,
23 Sep 2014, 8:03 pm
