New to this forum but not new to Asperger's

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I had always been different. I preferred to play games alone. I had a make believe country with numerous kingdoms, various rulers, and complex politics. I preferred the companionship of the friends in my mind to that of my classmates. I learned to read faster, I had a deep interest in foreign countries and foreign languages, and was fascinated by computers. Anything taller than me had to be climbed. I plowed through complex books about astronomy and dinosaurs. I spoke rarely, had allot of anxiety in strange situations, and hated being in large crowds.

I was given labels like "loner", "gifted", and "socially immature". No one saw anything wrong with my behaviors and my parents were proud of the grades I received. I didn't care too much what was going on in the world of the adults or in the worlds of other children. My siblings would play games with me and when they tired of it I would play alone. If I ever bored of a game I would make up another one. I was never without a game to entertain me.

The first time I realized I was different I was ten years old. I looked at all my classmates laughing with their friends and I felt like there was a gulf between us. They were on one side and I was on the other. There was no bridge, no raft, no way to cross. I had no interest in the things they said. I didn't care about what they cared about. I couldn't make friends the way they could. No one else struggled with social situations like I did. No one had the same kind of compulsive behaviors that they couldn't control. There was something wrong with me. My self esteem circled the drain and my anxiety issue became much worse. Entering middle school the next year only made the anxiety worse and I threw myself into my studies to avoid it. That year my English teacher, who's name and face I have forgotten, held me after class. I excelled at composition and poetry and she had held me behind to discuss my grade.

I have never forgotten this moment. I was sitting in a little yellow chair with a triangle cut in the back. My left shoe had been untied and there was a homework assignment written on my right hand. My teacher was shuffling through papers with a red pen in one hand and she said to me, "You're really brilliant but there's something cold about you. Its like you're missing something inside."

I'd never been so terribly hurt in my whole life. I had been told in a round about way that I somehow lacked a soul. I wallowed in my misery for over a month before realizing that she was stupid. I didn't lack a soul. I was just different. Not strange or weird or creepy. Different. I saw the world differently. The worst thing I had ever been told became the best thing I had ever heard. I was smarter, more creative, and more inventive than my peers and the majority of adults around me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Some people are just different.

I didn't know what Asperger's was until my best friend of 11 years asked me to read a chapter from her Psychology text book. It described Asperger's syndrome and my friend had highlighted every behavior that she'd seen me exhibit. After reading every book and article I could find on the subject I felt like I had finally figured out a part of myself that I had long tried to ignore. The second I stopped fighting my compulsive behaviors my anxiety level sharply dropped. I stopped worrying about the fact that rocking back and forth helped me relax. I haven't been formally diagnosed and its difficult to even find a therapist who knows what Asperger's is. I might one day get a formal diagnosis but for the time being I'm just enjoying accepting myself for who I am and coming to terms with behavioral patterns that have haunted me my whole life.
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That was a really long intro. Maybe no one wants to read it but it really made me feel better to write it down. I have never told anyone about how I distant I feel toward other people, not even my best friend. My whole life I've felt like I was living on an alien planet and I'm beyond happy that I've found a valid reason for it. I'm currently attending a major university majoring in Early Childhood Education. With some specialized training I hope to be able to spot kids like me and get them some specialized help so they don't have deny a part of themselves like I have.

Hello,

You are not alone. Sounds like a chapter from my childhood from the 1970's.

EVERYTHING you have said rings true. You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

I have only self diagnosed the past few days. I was seen by a shrink and she wrote TEN PAGES

about me! She was seeing the symptoms, but not the whole picture. I plan on visiting her when I

get back to the States. She did do this diagnosis 8 yrs. ago and from what I gather Asperger's

has not been widely known about until the EARLY 1990's (?). Anyway, hope you can finally get

some answers, I know I am enjoying the hell out of finally knowing what the heck was up.

Sincerely yours,

crazedchef

That sounds familiar. Experiences where teachers pair off into groups were the worst. I remember that in elementary school, we would go on field trips. Students were supposed to pick "buddies" and hold hands with them while walking so no one gets out of line. No one would go with me unless the teachers forced them to. It was a very sad experience. Now I realize there are benefits to a unique way of thinking and acting. I hope you can too.

Welcome, and thanks for the intro. Seen much much longer... it reads like my own past, although I was more often accused of being selfish, thoughtless or insensitive than cold or lacking something inside.

Hang on you're about to meet some of the greatest people on the planet.

enjoy

Yes you belong here... ...Hope you enjoy WP.

Beside thinking that I was a literal alien,I also wondered if there wasnt a "piece" missing from my brain,that thing that made other kids able to look so free,yelling,running around and laughing together(and annoying the crap out of me,noisy monkeys).

Have you considered working specifically with children with AS?I think there is a real need for that and you may find it more rewarding then just general childhood education?

Absolute_Zero, you made me flash back to my childhood. I HATED that situation. I never wanted to hold hands cause I'm hypersensative to touch and the other kids were always sticky or sweaty or clammy. I was always the one kid that never had a partner but I liked it better that way. I always counted the kids before hand and if there was an odd number I'd volunteer to work alone. It was really the only time I'd speak out in class.

I'm so glad I found this place. I all ready feel like I belong. Its nice to realize that people are out there who don't think Asperger's is mental illness. I have to give an informative speech for my speech class in a couple of weeks and I was considering doing it on Asperger's. The only problem is that, if I really want to establish credit, the best thing to do is to identify myself as AS. The problem with that is people start saying stuff like "Wow. You look so normal."

I asked my speech professor about it because she'd made comments about my lack of eye contact. She said it was up to me to make the decision. I know the best thing to do is speak about AS as a person with AS to help educate the public. But I don't wanna. What's your opinion?

I would LOVE to work specifically with kids with AS but most people don't even know that it exists. I'd have to get a degree in Special Needs Education and in the state of Texas that's a death sentence. I'll be in the poorest school in the poorest inner city with absolutely no resources for the rest of my teaching career.

I was also wondering what kind of coping techniques others have developed. It seems to be a pretty pervasive situation. Personally, I tend to retreat into fantasy. I'd say I daydream anywhere from 45-65% of the day. I also view everything with a great deal of humor. I don't understand ALLOT of social behavior so I make my observations like one of those wildlife shows. Particularly in boyfriend-girlfriend public displays but that can lead to allot of socially awkward staring. I'm also really compulsive. My roommate likes to make fun of me but she's a big bookworm too so we really get along. She always reminds me to eat different food everyday cause I live off of Hot Pockets, baked potatoes, and green tea. I have allot of ritual behavior, especially at bedtime.

I have lots and lots of questions. Mostly because I've never met anyone like me before.

I probably have Bipolar, well they say I do. So let me come at that question from that one. Thinking about it alot longer. My aspieness is still sort of new from the knowing about it.

Bipolar was known as Manic/depressive, been around a long time. Say you're one and it will conjur up all sots of images in an awful lot of people that only know it by name and horror stories. I won't talk about it in those setting. Why? Because they'll then start thinking what I describe is the only way it is. Wrong. I am not ashamed of it in the least. It has levels, just like AS. I will talk about it here, because people here can better understand it, even though they might know alot about it, they can understand my discription doesn't fit all.

Something I have found out in life. The door may looked closed, so I make my own. I come in the back way. What you have is a HUGE gift, not only are you an Aspie, you have the degree to reach those that are still young. Only you can gauge what you're able to do, how long you can stand the horrible teaching conditions. But if you can just reach one, then you, will be a saint in that persons life forever. There are places begging for your services. I have seen other posts about so called "hot spots" of aspies, I think one was Silicon Valley, maybe shoot a resume in that direction, or other "hot spots". Another little trick I used to do, because I'm a vet, they used to let the employer pay less and the government filled in the rest. Might something exist for an Aspie looking for work?

I wish you God speed and that's not easy for me to say, I'm a freakin heathen.

Welcome to WP from a fellow Texan!

Tim