I am new here... *WARNING* long rant ahead.

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Well, where do I start? I have long had this unknown "thing" that has interfered with my "normalcy". The closest I ever came to a diagnosis of anything was a non-specified depressive disorder, this of course stemming from the fact that I had odd social and emotional relations due to bullying and mental abuse at home and school over how I "acted" my whole life. I've been searching for the answer to my eccentricity (now that I'm out of the house, jobless, and realizing how much it's really affected me), since the psychologist I went to when I was a younger teenager did not diagnose me with anything, part of the reason maybe being that I did not tell said psychologist everything I felt/did, and they also did not go over my younger childhood actions at all (my parents were in prison and I lived with my aunt and uncle from 12-18 ). When I recently discovered Asperger's and started looking at the childhood symptoms, and looking at my current ones, I was shocked. It's like reading an observation of my life. It shocked me that no one ever thought twice about all of the signs that I practically ooze from my pores. I took the test some people here take, and put the results down there vvvvvv. Ironically I didn't believe it could possibly be correct, but was so overwhelmed that I jumped up and started hand flapping and talking to myself. (which I have learned are called stims) I have an appointment on October 15th with a doctor who will refer me to where ever I need to go to get answers.

Last edited by IAmTheCatalyst on 17 Sep 2014, 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome to WP

Hi there IAmTheCatalyst -- that shocked feeling upon first reading the symptoms and they fit everything you have ever gone through or felt is a very familiar feeling to me and to many, I think, who did not get diagnosed as children, but had to stumble upon information by themselves. I'm now in the assessment process also. Best wishes and I hope you make some friends and find support on this site.

Hey IAmTheCatalyst welcome.

hello mate

Welcome to you!

Welcome.

Hope the information turns out to be healthy and useful to you.

Me?? I self-diagnosed in 1998 and got an official diagnosis in 2011.

Other than brief bouts of self-liking, I've been crying ever since.

Hey beautiful! Welcome! I'm new too.

What's your current obsession?

Hey, thanks everybody, I feel quite welcome already. My current obsession...well, since I was little mythology, paranormal theory, and the occult has always been of great interest to me, especially vampires, and I've wanted to get custom made fangs for a while now. That obsession was recently re-sparked when I found this group called the Sabretooth Clan, and usually I hate groups and wouldn't want to be a part of one, but these people seem pretty cool and very open minded. A lot like me. I'm going to get the books and read them and see what I think.

Welcome IAmtheCatalyst!

I'm new too. My "official" testing will be done next week at the VA.
Your scores are stronger than mine:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
AQ: 35

I do recommend reading books about AS. Don't buy into every detail until you read a few. You will find conflicts by the professionals. AS diagnosis and treatments are new and there are several things not settled.

You have your full life ahead. Enjoy and go with your strengths!

Welcome IAmtheCatalyst!

I'm new too. My "official" testing will be done next week at the VA.
Your scores are stronger than mine:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
AQ: 35

I do recommend reading books about AS. Don't buy into every detail until you read a few. You will find conflicts by the professionals. AS diagnosis and treatments are new and there are several things not settled.

You have your full life ahead. Enjoy and go with your strengths!

The force is strong in this one.

What were the signs and also, were those handflaps of joy or despair?

The signs in me you mean? And they were handflaps of joy, joy that perhaps that I finally found an answer.

Yeah, how do you know?

Oh. Where do I even start? Well, for childhood signs, I had a very hard time making friends, and I got made fun of pretty much as long as I can remember. I excelled in reading and art. My sister tells me I used to rock back and forth violently when I got upset, and if I got really upset over particular things I would bash my head into the wall repeatedly. I've also done leg stimming since I was little (I remember my grandma would try to hold my legs still and I would tell her "I can't, I can't").

I also developed obsessions with a few topics at a very young age that I still have. As I grew up I slowly realized how different I was from everybody else. The bullying became severe in 5th grade, so bad that I would go down the hall looking at the floor, with my hands up to my chest doing what I now know is stimming. Around 13 years old, I started to study the way people dressed and I decided I would "try to fit in". I tried to dress "cool" but I still was bullied for being weird. Around 15 and half, I realized I didn't get it and stopped trying to fit in. I continued to excel in art, music, and reading, but failed everything else because I didn't understand it the way the teachers were teaching us. I've had to reteach myself a number of subjects. Math for instance. I can't do math unless I picture the numbers as words in my head.

I have what I now know are severe meltdowns. The only thing I could relate it to was an anxiety attack, but the descriptions of classic anxiety attacks never matched up with these uncontrollable things that happened. They happen whenever an important plan is abruptly changed, when I was forced to look my aunt or uncle in the eyes, when an important part of my schedule is taken away (ex: not being allowed to call my dad, or having music taken away.), or when I am verbally attacked. During these I usually start out crying and trying to explain how I feel, but I can't. I can't say the words in my head. Then, if the person doesn't leave me alone to let it out, or they touch me, I either react violently or I fall into the fetal position, usually rocking, and scream at the top of my lungs. In my younger teenage years I would break dishes and kick things. All of this, entirely involuntary. I don't want to do it, it just happens.

So either I have ASD/Asperger's, or it's psychological, which I doubt. But that's why I'm going to a doctor, I have no idea.

Last edited by IAmTheCatalyst on 17 Sep 2014, 8:46 pm, edited 7 times in total.

There are many other things I currently do that I didn't list, simply for the sake of not ranting forever.