Hoping for some non judgemental advice

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Posted this in the womens thread too

Hi, this is my first ever post - nice to meet u all Smile

I've come on here looking for some answers. A bit about me: I have always suffered from anxiety (social and general) and slight OCD (but manageable most of the time) and have been seeing psychologists on and off for the past 8 years. It kinda goes like this: I talk to someone, we go through CBT sessions, I feel better, I stop. Then a few months later I start on the downward pattern again Rolling Eyes

Anyway, a few months ago I split up with my OH and during this time I met someone I truly connected with - he had aspergers. I say had as he no longer talks to me (long story). After this happened I began to research aspergers and found that I identified with HEAPs of the aspergers traits, particularly those found in women. I also have a father who is definitely on the ASD, although never diagnosed.

I began to wonder whether this was the piece of the puzzle that I was missing all this time?
I took some of the online tests for aspergers and got the following scores:
RAADS-R = 93
AQ =34
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 108 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 95 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

It would seem that if I am, I am on the milder side - if at all. I'm just confused right now about whether to find out one way or the other by seeking a diagnosis.

The thing that holds me back is all my life I feel like I've been pretending to be someone I'm not - even my family, my ex OH don't know about all my issues - it is a scary prospect to 'come out' if you know what I mean.

Here's hoping for some replies xx

Hey ITAngel welcome.

Welcome to WP. What ASD traits do you tend to display?

Hi RoadRatt.

Hi Arlo. My traits are many. I have issues connecting with people; eye contact, knowing what to say and recognising faces. E.g. If I see someone I know out of context in the street it will take me a while to figure out who they are - is this a trait? The other thing I do is totally zone out sometimes - people have said this to me too and caused me issues at school with concentration. On the other hand, I can have intense focus/determination in some scenarios. My ex OH said he had never met anyone like me who would say they were going to do something and just do it.

I LIKE thinking - it's almost like I need to set aside some time to just think each day - otherwise I don't feel right.

I can obsess about things - I don't have any one thing that I obsess about, but for example I started running a few years ago, and signed up for a half marathon. It wasn't enough that I wanted to do one race, I wanted to sign up for one in every city in europe- seriously. This obviously just sets me for feeling like a failure the whole time as it's just not realistic.

I sometimes burn bridges, with friends and jobs. I'm not proud of this part.
Although I have managed to be employed pretty much my whole adult life and got thru uni by socialising with the help of alcohol

Despite getting by thus far, I still find life a constant struggle - just being at work (open plan office) is totally draining and I find it hard to make friends.

Now I'm single after 8 years of being with (hiding behind?!) an extrovert and emotionally abusive guy I'm finding that I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm considering a change of career, lifestyle and the diagnosis for me would be a step toward finding out who I actually am.

Wow, writing this is quite therapeutic!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome!

Welcome to WrongPlanet

Just joined. Can't answer for whether to seek diagnosis, but I am glad I did at age 58. It's helped me gain a new perspective on my weirdness, and really helped me accept my quirks, now that I know there is a reason for my lifelong conviction that my brain works differently. I also went to psychologists and tried CBT, but CBT really upset me because I felt so manipulated. I finally figured out that what motivates NT's repels me. Having fun reinventing my life now.

Don't worry about it John. C