Hi,
Just realized I've probably had Asperger's all my fifty years and that really connected all the dots, which has really been comforting and liberating. I'm self-diagnosed, so I'll tell you my story and let you weigh in, as I've not got the funds to be tested and (I think) I'm now so high-functioning that it's maybe not needed.
Back in the day, nobody knew there was such a thing as AS and even Autism wasn't something most people knew about, so nobody would have put two and two together to explain my severe introversion. It could, instead, be credited by others to maladjustment over being adopted from another country, or, by myself to the fear of disclosing my abuse to others. Later in life, after disclosure, others have deduced that those two facts resulted in low self-esteem causing me to feel unworthy of people's love - which always felt an unjust analysis because I've always really appreciated myself and felt something was wrong with others not recognizing my value! People might also have described me as shy, but I felt quite intrepid - I just liked to observe and didn't deem most people or activities worthy of involvement.
As a child, my mother would try, unsuccessfully, to get me out of the house. "Why don't you play with the other children?" I hated the other children in the neighborhood - they were crass, spoke coarsely, had coarse humor, were loud and/or physical, wanted to pretend or have games with power struggles. Instead, I preferred to draw or read or do puzzles by myself. I eventually gave in just to make her happy but hated it. I absolutely loathed my "best friend," the default girl on the block which was the only territory I was allowed access to.
In grade-school I gladly took on the gifted nerd role in my small neighborhood school. That worked, but upon arriving to middle school I had to deal with society for the first time. I realized I had zero social skills. Really, I didn't care about making new friends, but I missed having a defined role among people who had learned to deal with me. So I literally conducted my own anthropological study of socializing among the various teen sub-groups and what kind of behaviors these people did to be perceived as successful; which, if you've ever seen "Freaks and Geeks" the lead character Sam was me. It took about a year, and as luck would have it, two socially respected cool girls (after copying my math work) took me on as a sort of Pygmalian project. Later I realized that the girls' respect was born out of fear and that, actually, there weren't any social lessons there for me - especially not displaying empathy or actually being popular. Later, I learned about the power of organizing (pre-social media) and managed to turn my obsessions into a popular interest group. I went to a therapist after the love of my life left me, and she told me I needed to work on my social skills, and I told her that clearly I was doing fine - after all, I lead a community - and she told me that being a leader was a safe place where I didn't have to interact...
Some things I think make me an Aspie:
-For as long as I can remember, I've hated looking into anyone's eyes and I only do it now because of so many negative reactions and reading that it is the requisite social thing to do.
-You know those sketch exercises where they block out big shapes first? Can't do that. When I draw, I start with a detail and work out.
-I'm a stickler for precision and am a perfectionist about too many things.
-Fine-grained patterns make me nauseous. I've had to leave art exhibits because of it.
-Some sounds like vacuum cleaners are torture.
-My classmates would say things like, "Speak English" because I always chose the correct word to express myself, and that specificity often meant using a word not typically in their lexicon.
-Nobody ever gets the metaphors I choose.
-I tend to see social structures in a clinical sense and can only relate to people in a one-on-one situation.
-I rarely feel empathy towards anyone but am able to provide the responses people desire. But too much of the time I don't care to make that effort. Often I rebel and refuse to respond as expected. Because I can break down cause and effect and eliminate emotionality, people have historically come to me for advise.
-I have the inability to tell a lie and am brutally honest. I think this is one of my biggest social stumbling blocks, as I am reticent to selectively turn this off to spare emotions.
-I can't identify my own emotions. I actually like not being encumbered with that.
-I can't relate to people needing to surround themselves with other people or always having to have a partner.
-My sense of humor is very dry and nobody gets it.
-I don't understand irony and always have to get somebody to explain it to me.
-I can't deal with reading fiction.
-I rarely leave the house - not out of fear of the outside world, but mostly because I'm content just by myself doing research on whatever I'm into.
-I'm very serious and fun is kind of a foreign concept.
Most people do not think anything is wrong with me but are struck by the level of disclosure and straight-forwardness I exhibit. They like that but can't deal with candid talk when things get real. I guess that's why I'm here. I've identified a couple Aspies in the past and gotten them help or helped others deal with them. Their symptoms were quite distinct, whereas I think my decades of observation and trials have softened those edges to the point where they are hard to distinguish superficially. But, eventually, everyone I get involved with ends up thinking something, to quote, "Just doesn't make sense - I can't figure out what it is." I don't feel lonely at all - in fact, I dream of being a true hermit - who needs society? And the minefield dance of emotions? I, for one, never take anything personally and am rarely offended and it would be nice to know I can say whatever and what I say will be taken for what it is, which is always well-intentioned.
I have always said, "I love humanity but hate people."
But I'm wondering if maybe that would be different in a world of Aspies.
So I think I'm an Aspie. And it's nice to know there are others like myself and that there is community there. Pleased to meet you.
Almost Human
25 Jan 2015, 2:22 pm
