Am a new possibly nonNT member (never got the diagnosis)

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So I am a new member who may be NT or non NT since I am not sure what my diagnosis is but there's evidence of me being non NT.

And I am in torment over the way I lived my life over it, I used to get so tormented over it I would think about lying down on a track when I can hear a train coming. I would in the past be admonished over social shortcomings I would have because I felt that those doing the admonishing simply did not value my humanity and wanted to mold me into something they thought was valuable to humanity - and sometimes I was right in thinking this and sometimes I tragically misinterpreted it that way, and the thing is, either way I now realize that much of what I was admonished about was true. Other times I would not seek help or seek assistance on how to properly function because I thought it was just about me not needing to be a total as*hole and selfish jerkass and so I would not take advantage of resources to help me function even when they were readily available. This is one reason why college and the first half of graduate school was a miserable experience, the kind that sends me into clinical depression whenever I think about it leading me to just block it out.

So now I am figuring out what to do. I am trying to not have a reputation as someone who uses being atypical as an excuse to be mean, since I know that there are copious examples of this and even more copious examples of neurotypicals giving themselves an often fake diagnosis of ASD to justify being genuinely nasty. But my neurally a-typical functioning means that there are always going to be instances where my neural handicaps are going to lead to people thinking I'm just hostile and hateful if they don't know about the differences between NTs and non NTs. I feel like this will never be eliminated and at best can only be reduced. So I am looking for as much help as I can get with navigation of it.

Hey emax10000 welcome.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!