new- wife of undiagnosed aspie

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Hello everyone. I've just discovered that my other half might be an aspie. I'm sorry I don't know the correct terms or anything. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to learn as much as possible so that I can help my other half . It's highly unlikely that he will ever be diagnosed or even be told about it; he has just had a pacemaker fitted as well as a stent so we are dealing w/all this. Our older son has been seeing a psychiatrist, who said he thought our son's father sounded as if he were an aspie. Our older son lives in the USA, our younger son lives at home w/us in this city on the Med. I'm an Irish/Eng expat, have been living w/family in hubby's country for over 30 yrs! We've been married for over 30 yrs and I always felt he was different, conservative, shy, rather naive.... he's very successful in his field, very hard working and has high expectations of us all, is very stern and serious , has many rigid beliefs and standards but has no hobbies except sudoku and watching football. He's a wonderful provider and very reliable. He's very kind and gentle.I love him and he loves me.
It would probably be impossible in this country to see an expert to get a proper diagnosis and help. I'm concentrating on getting us through these health issues right now. But the aspie question is always at the back of my mind. Many pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place but of course I'm not 100% sure and probably never will be. I can't talk to anyone here except our two sons. Thank goodness they are around. I'm so glad I found this forum and that I'm allowed to be a member.
I feel so useless. I didn't pick up on this. I don't know anything about it. I hope I can be strong enough to cope w/this. I guess as long as my hubby is ok and has no probs, there's no worry about the lack of professional advice. If I can cope as his wife, as I have for all these years, then we may just carry on.
Anyway thank you for reading this.
Cheers for now.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Most of the professional help is for helping Aspies develop enough skills to find a job.

Rarely is there much assistance for older adults.

But, a diagnosis can be useful for couples to understand why a partner acts differently. And, some folks on this forum have found
useful adaptations to make life easier. I just got a new Nissan Cube with lots of features that makes driving much easier--since most Aspies have to work harder than normal to drive, it makes sense to make the experience as easy as possible... Now I don't have to get out of the car to see how I am parked--I use the rear view camera for that!

Thank you for the welcome BTDT!

I'm glad to have your insight. I understand about getting assistance regarding guidance in the world of employment etc. That was very useful for you then getting advice about a suitable car to have.
In my research I have learnt some techniques, for eg my other half responds well when I just ask him to do some little jobs- the dr has told him to try and get back to normal after his ops- so I just say please sort this rice or turn the dish washer on at ten and he seems happy w/this system.
He hates talking at meal times so now I don't. I avoid arguing now whereas before I would try to explain my point of view but we would go round in circles and s'times I would lose patience and shout. When I look back I feel ashamed and sorry but I didn't know..... I feel as if if I'm in a dream some days. It's weird.
I see now some issues we had might have been related to his being an aspie and not cultural as I assumed they were.

Hi, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I really encourage you to tell your husband when it feels right to your sometime in the near future. perhaps emphasizing that it is a spectrum afterall going all the way from nonverbal to just the quirky side of 'normal' (and no such thing as 'normal' anyway and how boring the world would be if there was )

Many of the characters on the TV show Big Bang Theory are aspie to some extent or another. Alexis Wineman who is this year's Miss Montana has publicly stated that she is on the autism spectrum. And the actress Darryl Hannah has also public stated that she has Asperger's.

If your husband has sensory issues, say to fluorescent lights or certain repetitive or unpredictable noises, knowing that he's on the spectrum may help him know that he's not being 'bad' or 'selfish' or 'unreasonable' but rather that these are real issues. And same if he needs a lot of alone time for emotionally processing. And I personally also 'stim' by shaking and squeezing a soft T-shirt, which is a positive, which helps me both relieve sensory issues and deal with stress (I do this privately, and yes, it is embarrassing)

Thank you AardvarkGoodSwimmer!
I really love The Big Bang Theory! Really brill.
Yes I know what you mean that it would be a relief for my other half to know some of the issues he's been dealing with are not his ' fault' but I'm not planning to yet as he needs to adjust to having the pacemaker and stent and he's trying to regain his health.
He wouldn't be very receptive to the idea, there is a huge amount of social pressure in this country and people hate to lose face. He's very critical of anyone who is slightly 'different' and I'm one of the people he criticizes more than anyone else- as well as our two sons! He's well respected here by his family, relatives and colleagues, he doesn't have friends really- there are some people who seem like friends but actually use hubby's influence at work. I realize now after his illness some members of the family find him a little different - in fact they have spent more time with him and see other half's real side coming out. I've always been the one to do the phoning, socializing and planning events and even chatting to cover silences or harsh remarks. He has no tact and always calls a spade a spade and is always saying he's not speaking to this person or that person! For years I couldn't get that at all but I think I understand a little now.

Greetings and salutations!

Thank you for the cool welcome Dark Rain!

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you'll find people here who can help you figure this out.

First of all, even though I have always known there was something odd about me, it took me until I was fifty one to figure out I was an aspie or an autie or whatever exactly I am on the spectrum. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over not figuring this out sooner. Heck, I was intrigued by the subject of the autism spectrum to the point it was one of my special interests for four and a half years before the penny dropped...

I suspect your husband's emphasis on not being "different" is a survival mechanism. Most - heck, all - societies expect you to conform. If you're on the spectrum, then you can't conform, but to escape being bullied, you have to try. So you get obsessed with it, in yourself and in others around you, stamping out anything you can spot which you think might draw hostile attention. After a while, it becomes a reflex, you don't even really know you're doing it.

As for telling your husband - ultimately, it has been a good thing for me to know myself better. But I certainly agree you should wait until all his medical issues are sorted out before you even think of it. And not everyone wants to know such a truth about themselves. I would want to know, but not everyone feels that way. If "different" is something he sees as "bad" enough, he might refuse to believe you. Also, if he does believe you, I would warn you that it is a very intense process to come to terms with your past in light of this new understanding. As I say, I am glad I figured it out - but the past couple of years (I put the pieces together in the fall of 2010) have been like living through a constant succession of major mental earthquakes. So that's why things went this way or that... So that's what they meant... So that's what I was missing... So that's why I can't... Everything you thought you knew about yourself is gone, replaced by something and someone you don't recognise. It can be painful at times, and is always a bit disorienting. You'll have to make up your own mind what to do; I don't feel comfortable suggesting what you "should" do here - except to agree that piling something like that on top of the readjustment to his physical condition would no doubt destroy him.

(By the way, based on what you say about his lack of interests, I wonder if the pressure to avoid being different forced him to "kill" his urge for "special interests". If so, I can only imagine what a miserable existence he must have. Most of the good in my life is due, in one way or another, to my special interests. I'm not sure what you could do to help him, but I'm shaken up just thinking about this.)

@daisysunflower: Unless he has received an examination and diagnosis in person from an appropriately-trained and license mental-health professional, you cannot not say with any degree of certainty that your husband is an Aspie. Relying on second- or third-hand opinions from someone who has never even met your husband is not only useless, but it could be detrimental to his health.

Many people that are recovering from heart attacks and follow-up surgery may have some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. The post-op meds may also affect his behavior. Then there is the idea that because of this recent trauma, you are suddenly paying more attention to him, and that you may only now noticing tiny personality quirks that he may have had all along.

Disclaimer: I am not an appropriately-trained and license mental-health professional, so my opinions on this matter are only as good (or as bad) as anyone other opinions you may receive in reply to your post.

Thank you the Wanderer! Nice to be here.
I'm grateful for your insight.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I've known from our early days together that he was different. He's not aware of anything partly because of the social pressure in this country and partly because of his career, he has a lot of influence and is good at his job. At least I don't think he's aware.
He blends in very well and works very hard. His job is his hobby. He's a perfectionist and this has what has brought on his heart probs.
I agree w/you about the survival mechanism, it's become automatic for him.
I think it's good that I'm more aware now that there is something different about him and that he may be an aspie- or have another issue. I've been doing a lot of research and it has helped me. Even when I think back to when I first met him, things are easier to understand now.
I would never consider mentioning this to him without first consulting a psychiatrist and receiving advice on a suitable way of broaching the subject or not etc . Then I might ask my other half to come for a consultation after I've had a talk w/a professional.Unfortunately theren't are many or any experts here.
In recent years we've moved from a flat to a house w/a garden and my hubby loves the garden and we work together there and spend time just sitting there.He likes the cats too and we feed the birds. I've encouraged all this and he seems happy w/my suggestions. He loves going on skype to see the grandkids in the USA too. And he's been writing his biography, our younger son encouraged him to do this.
I'm not rushing into anything and I'm aware that he may not be an aspie or have anything else different, may be different as we as humans all are anyway!

Hi Fnord. I totally agree w/you about receiving a professional diagnosis. I know though that my other half has been different since I met him. I realize post illness and op could bring on certain symptoms but his differentness has been w/him for years. I've heard about incidents occurring when he was very young and knowing what I know now has made things clearer. It could be that I'm paying closer attention to him nowadays of course but in my heart I know what we lived through! As we've got older I've just accepted how he is and not expected so much from him but when we were younger I couldn't understand how he could be so cold and distant w/us. I used to put it all down to male things and cultural things! Our older son saw the psychiatrist in the USA because he had some issues and one day when my hubby had had the heart prob, our son just poured out all his feelings about his dad and the psychiatrist asked why our son doesn't just talk to his dad and our son said his dad just shuts down and the guy asked more and finally said he thought my hubby/his dad was on the spectrum.
Anyway thank you for letting me ramble on!
All the best

Hello Daisysunflower,
Thank you for your posts. It's good to know I'm not alone. My husband is (I suspect) an undiagnosed Asperger. I began to see it after reading a novel (The Rosie Project) and recognized the traits in my husband. I spoke with his cousins (therapists) and they confirmed my thoughts. They told me there are many family members with Aspergers (including the therapist!), my husband and his two brothers, their father, the fathers siblings, the offspring of those people. Lots and lots of very smart people with limited social skills.
I struggle with feeling unloved and unseen by him. I have a lot of anger resulting from his coldness. I know (intellectually) that this is a neurological function but it still HURTS. This has become my life's work; not to take it personally.
I see him struggling through life; lots of depression when things don't go his way.
I am not discussing the Aspergers with him at this time. If I brought it up it would only be serving me; a way to get back at him. He is not a person who can tolerate criticism. I think it would be the final nail in the coffin of his self-hate.
Tough Times.

Welcome!

How admirable that you're dealing with this in such a mature way and caring and loving way.

Check out '22 things a woman must know: if she loves a man with AS'. It's a great book - I got it to understand my dad. Rudy Simone's books are written in such a friendly and enlightening way and they have helped me so much to understand myself and my dad. I am hoping this book will do the same for you.

Welcome!