Seen Something Similar... But... Oh, well.

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Hello... I'm Mors and I hate introductions.

With that out of the way, let me add that I am not diagnosed for anything... whatever anyone tells you (and I have friends who swear up and down I'm a million different kinds of crazy), I am currently considerd "normal, if eccentric" as far as my brain is concerned. However, it has recently come to my attention that... that's most likely wrong and that all my careful convincing of myself that I'm blowing things out of proportion... is likely bull.

I have an older friend I've taken to confiding in... we met while talking about Latin. He's also a psychology major... or something relating to that... and he's pretty sure that I'm either schizophrenic (which runs in my family, actually) or autistic. He's Aspergers himself and has recognised similarities in me.

(I feel as though I'm writing my life story... I really dislike writing about myself...)

I'm eighteen now (eighteen years and two days) and my mother never had me tested when I was younger because (although, as she's told me a few times in the past year, she's always suspected there's something "wrong" with me-- for lack of a better term) we don't have insurance and thus couldn't afford any medicine or whatnot.

So I'm basically about to enter the adult world with absolutely no idea of what I'm supposed to do, fearing that I'll have a huge breakdown (which happens often enough now. I can't imagine what it'll be like when I'm living on my own... My friend had such a terrible breakdown that he actually had to leave school because he'd barricaded himself in his room for nigh on a month, only coming out when absolutely necessary), and I don't want that to happen. I really, really, really don't want that to happen. I've had breakdowns... but I'm usually able to hide until they're gone... though I have been caught twice.

Both were during competitions.

The first, I'd submit a painting and I was walking around listening to people talk... and suddenly it hit me as someone looked at my painting. Didn't say anything... just looked. I walked away and hid in a corner and my room, sobbing past tears. (Funny how when I write about something I become both annoyed with my own stupidity and analytical of the situation... Well, more so than when in the middle of a breakdown, anyway...) One of my roommates came in and was actually kind enough to take me onto her lap (I'm small...) and comfort me. She also never mentioned the incident again (Thank God!).

The second, it was after at another competition... Our teacher was rebuking some wayward students and I felt so guilty for not doing something... that I started sobbing... I had to run to the toilet because I was dry-heaving. One of my friends held my hair back for me just in case.

Anyway... does anyone have any advice for me?

(And if you didn't notice, I am partial to parenthetical commentary, Heck, I've had full conversations in parentheses while normal ones took place outside...)

Welcome to WP.

There's no medicine for AS that I know of, so insurance shouldn't be an issue. It's not a disease, either, it's just not something you should advertise (not because it's bad, it actaully has advantages, but because it carries a stigma with all the stupid people in the world). Narrow down your questions and you should receive answers for anything you want to know.

All righty... Narrow... I can do narrow (hopefully without having to explain a million things at once)...

First off, thank you.

Now... where can I go to see if I should get diagnosed for something? I'd have to pay for a psychologist, wouldn't I? (Wow, I was brief!)

If money is an issue, don't bother getting the diagnosis. You do have to pay for it I believe. There are people on here who know better than I do though.

not that i am by any means an expert... but it's hard to even assess what you might be from what you said. yes, breakdowns are associated with AS... but also with A LOT of things. (even being NeuroTypical).

i just suggest you read a lot of the posts here and that you'll start seeing yourself in other people who have a variety of DXes or none at all... is what i did/do... and i feel immensely better.

i also LOVE parenthetical conversations... i'm guilty of losing people when i type... often.

welcome!

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Mors,

Your a painter. The treatment is the ailment and the treatment. So keep painting.

I have know a few, the stable ones never produce great work, and the great run in two schools, one beats people with the painting, then burns it, because they don't like the way their work was looked at, the other runs screaming, but at least the painting survives and there are no assult charges.

From history I can tell you that girls are not impressed by a gift wrapped ear.

Look around, there are no normal people, there are interesting ones, and boring ones. People seem to treat you kindly. What more can you ask.

You are behaving like a girl. No one likes art critics. You are also behaving like a Freshman, weird, but what is expected. You will outgrow Freshman.

AS is undefined, it has no cause, treatment, cure, but we do have this cool website.

When I first came I thought it was a joke. Bad hair days are caused by bad hair, not AS.

Now I will send you screeming, I would like to see your work, post us a picture, I cannot define your condition without brushstrokes.

You got Galluping Galley Jitters, the worse case I ever saw was spontanious combustion, they just burst into flames, I grabbed a large bottle of white wine and left. I liked the painting, but after the smoke damage and all.

After pouring your soul into work, just having someone look is tramatic, art is that which causes a reaction in the viewer. Nonresponsive viewers are bad, but that is them. Someone dragged him to an art show, he really wanted to watch basketball. Few understand art, good art is not for the masses.

Only I, and the rest of the perfect, brilliant, and supercool people on WP, could possiblely appreciate the depth and meaning of your work. I know greatness when I see it, and you are here, so, you must belong here.

If you are understood by the masses, and you are comfortable with it, you are not a painter.

Hi Mors, welcome to WP.

Truth is, I'm about as much of a painter as I am a scientist... I don't mind people hating it... What I do mind... is... well... the way people stare, whisper, avoid whispering... the way their eyes dart around and I'm just sure that they were looking at me. Painting is fun... and soothing. No more. I'm no painter. What I am is a writer... who happens to be obsessed with things long past (mush of it Roman-- yes, this includes Caesar-- I love Caesar. I think I've used him in half of the major essays I've written. I don't even know why... But I do love him. There's something about a man who can control people like that, who can draw such powerful enemies to him... who can change the world, even if Augustus may have done more for the Empire during his rule.. still). Oh, and that particular painting had about as much soul in it as a short answer to a science question on a standardized test. I painted it because I had to.

As for just being a girl... I don't think like a normal girl... as my mother and sister sometimes point out with disappointment. I'm logical, in my own way... and I despise romance. Hate, hate, hate it. I don't know why, but I do. It's illogical, after all... isn't it? I'm rarely emotional.. which makes it so difficult when I am. I'm much rather delve into something than be one of those flighty teenager girls half in-love with some pretty boy rebel-without-a-cause.

I know the reasons why my friend would say I'm schizophrenic-- I'm paranoid, though not to the point where I think I know some Big Secret and the government is going to get me... (Eh... I'll delve into my "delusions of grandeur" some other time, maybe...), and I do experience hallucinations (though not nearly as often as when I was little... though they are starting to happen a bit more frequently these past two years or so...). There are a few others, but those are the ones most people would focus on quickest, I think...

As for Aspergers... I'm not sure. I don't like talking about things I'm not sure I understand. I've seen schizophrenia several times, as my grandmother is very obviously such and I've lived with her off and on for about two years or so... I could study something for a year and know all the science behind it and read half the articles, and I'd still be sure I knew nothing about it and needed to know more. I do know that some of the signs seem to contradict others... For instance, one is something about difficulty learning language skills or refusing to speak... while another sasy something about developing language skills early. I do fit the latter. I was speaking grammatically correct sentences before I was nine months old... (and walking).

People treating me kindly... when they know me, a few do, yes. Otherwise, I'm very happily invisible. My short stature helps me avoid people.

Of course, I do think that artists of all kinds should understand the masses, but perhaps not always be understood. Still, it is human nature to crave understanding. Everyone wants to be speicla, but everyone still wants to be accepted and loved. Human paradox.

Now, if you would like to see some of my so-called art... I do have some I could dig-up, I'm sure.

I hate explaining myself... I think I just replied to this to put off explaining why "learning plays an important role in [my] life. (200-500 words)" Well, it did give me an excuse to talk about Caesar... And at least I didn't launch into a tirade about how Latin isn't a dead language-- it lives in my heart and thus is very much alive-- and if anyone ever says it's dead, I will refuse to accept whatever facts and/or opinions they put in front of me... And I had the perfect opportunity, too...

Mors,

AS for sure, how do I know, there is a lot of Latin around here.

AS is a catch all, no two around here alike. For some reason they do feel that they understand and are understood, like no other place. What you might be, and how it can turn worse, has to do with the world more than you.

Lots of local reports, I thought I was the only one, then on WP I discovered thousands, knowing six or ten people is a full social life, and they do not annoy me like the world did.

I am not alone, there are others, I like them, I like myself. A lot of doubt based other stuff crumbles.

Once interacting with others that you identify with, it becomes easier to deal with others that you do not identify with, and everyone has a planet full or those.

Now back to my interest in art and writing. I am a writer obsessed with things long past. Book One is set over 30,000 years ago, I am working my way toward Rome but a lot happened along the way. I do not have halllucinations, just images in my head. They are about stories I am drawn to write. They build till they become defined, and get transfered to print. I have always thought it caused by reading mixed with thinking, and I am a visual thinker. Sometimes I dream in my stories, sometimes project images, It is just part of being a storyteller.

Learning was always important to me, the University got in the way for a while, but I did get back to reading. I know the being driven to know the all and everything about a subject, then pushing farther. A few hundred years ago it was the only form of education, and the educated all like us. Now it is a business, and not nearly as effective.

History fizzled out back at Egypt and Sumaria, and I wanted to know what lead there, so I wound up writting it. Now I am working on the Amazight people. Not very worldly in the here and now, but I have my fun.

Hope to see you around.

Welcome to Wrongplanet from an intermittent member!

I hope you enjoy posting!