I may have Asperger's Syndrome and never knew it....

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone,

My name is Mike and I'm 23 years old. I live in Baltimore, MD. And I've got quite an interesting story to tell....and would like an audience to see if maybe there is someone out there that can understand my predicament.

A friend of mine recently came to me the other day and said that she was talking to a girl at her college whom was doing a presentation on AS, and kind of started giving her a little bit of a rundown of the condition. My friend told me that this girl seemed to pretty much describe me for as long as she has known me (we have known each other since my freshman year in high school).

So after she told me about this, I set out on trying to learn more about what this condition is....and I was surprised to find a website and a forum where I can relate to very many of the posts that are made.

.....Enter life story.......(If you're interested in helping me figure out if I have AS, keep reading)

Childhood

Since I was a little kid, I have always been a bit of the social outcast. It was very difficult for me to obtain friends. The closest friend I had to me in elementary school was a fat kid who didn't want to be seen with me in school. I was always picked on, and was never the one for sports. I spent a majority of my time kind of sitting by myself. Whether it be sitting on the bleachers or sitting on top monkey bars just kind of staring off at space. But I was also very smart, and very articulate. There were many points in time during school where they wanted to move me beyond my grade but my mother continually refused. At 8 years old I was involved in doing projects with local university students, learning how to read and write essays, create presentations and outlines--other kids my age were still learning to write in cursive handwriting

When I was also in elementary school, I remember throwing fits for various reasons. One of them was stickers. I hated them. When teachers would hand out stickers to kids to put on their notebooks (or their faces, or their hands) I would get pretty violent and absolutely hated them. I also remember a particular incident in which I didn't want to check a library book out of the library....hey...I was 6 years old at the time...give me a break

Throughout elementary school, I found my solace, or something that was comforting, in computer systems. I adored computers from the time I was 7 on up. I spent a lot of time on them. I even spent a large portion of one year in elementary school spending my recesses in the computer lab playing Sim City. I was very good at many of the math games on the Apple II's we had in my class. Often times being asked by the other kids in my class to beat my score and put their names on top.

So needless to say, because of the social power that computers gave me, I stuck with them for my life. Not to mention I was very good logically and working with a computer came very natural to me. I did a bit of adept programming, loved taking them apart, etc.


Teenage years

I did end up making some friends later on in life. After the harshness of the childhood schoolyard, I did gain a little bit of social ability. But it wasn't all without its issues......

I have always never been a fan of big parties or groups. Period. I never went to school dances, I didn't go to my high school prom, I didn't go to any homecoming dances. Most of the friends I met I met through activities that I had in common with them, as this continues to be by far the best way for me to feel comfortable enough talking to people. In fact, the very friend that got me thinking about this is someone I met while in the high school marching band.

I never really did anything socially with people. I didn't go on school marching band trips, I didn't go out to the after parties that everyone was involved in. I generally was more or less a loner on those parts.

For my high school graduation party, I flipped out at my mother for throwing one. I completely did not want one to happen. I remember just getting so angry at her and went into my room and her coming into my room in tears because I didn't appreciate this nice thing she had done for me. To this day I have gotten mildly scorned from some of my friends because of that....

Business and Job interviews

Due to my lack of social ability, I have significant trouble with job interviews. It's a huge task to even get myself to go and talk to someone, to sit there, let alone everything else involved in the interview. I read on job sites how interview skills go and I found most of one's "job interview skills" were things I had significant trouble with. Eye contact being a main one, I cannot look at someone in the eyes at all. I always look away. Even my ex girlfriend noted this to me directly in a restaurant...I felt kind of ashamed because I know what it means regarding eye contact, but I just can't do it.

I have always felt that jobs should be based on one's ability to perform the task rather than anything social. Within my previous job, I always had run ins with coworkers because I was very lacking in empathy. Things needed to be done in a very logical way and time should not be wasted. I would have honestly lost my job regarding this if it wasn't for the fact that I found another one around the same time all of that started to mount up. One that locks me in a room away from people

I also at times would shut people out. When I would be working on a particular project or task, people would come up to me (which irritated the holy hell out of me) and I would just kind of slightly acknowledge their existence while I continued on with my task. The entirety of the time thinking to myself wondering when they were going to go away and let me finish the project I was working on.

Relationships and Love life

Flirting....let me put it this way...Flirting is absolutely something I can never, ever do. I don't touch women "sensually" as I have always had a fear of sexual harassment (which I read somewhere on this site and it got me kind of laughing because it's a fear I have always had) or it being "unwanted" in nature. I'm completely and utterly unable to flirt with someone. Over the years I've worked on being able to approach girls that I like but they usually end up as just friends as I have always lacked the ability to "show them" without being blunt about it that I want them for more than that. By the time I work up the courage to tell them that I have feelings for more, the "opportunity", if there ever was one at all, has long passed.

Needless to say, I have always made my relationships through friendships and interests first. My first real girlfriend was when I was 16 and it was because her brother and my brother were friends. She was into a lot of the same things as I--but our relationship ended up deteriorating. It lasted a whole 6 months. Which unfortunately has been my longest relationship.

My most recent relationship lasted a month, and I met her through World of Warcraft. We had so much to talk about related to WoW and we also hit it off extremely well. Honestly, both of us at the time had felt we were closer to eachother in understanding than any other person we have ever met. But the relationship went sour when I started to have doubts about her feelings for me when she wasn't as verbal as I had liked regarding how she felt about me. I have always been one for verbal communication of my feelings and kind of wanted her to be, and when she wasn't, I had doubts. When she would ask me some blunt questions regarding things, I was very honest with her--maybe a little too honest. She wanted to move in with a guy friend of hers and I told her it kind of made me......a tad uncomfortable, and wow was that used against me. I told her how I felt that my friend was moving in on her and it disturbed me she flipped out on me yet again because of it. In the end, she felt I was "really controlling" and was trying to control her friendships...when the reality of the situation was that because she wasn't verbal with me on how she felt, I felt kind of let down.

I to this day am never one for small talk. The whole dating/small talk thing completely eludes my ability. I'm a great talker about things I'm interested in. Computers, video games, and the news of the day. I can talk for hours on end regarding any subject that interests me, but I'm completely and utterly unable to talk about random stuff about immediate surroundings. The friend that pointed me in the direction of AS in fact I was talking to her deeply about these issues the other week, things I had known about myself before reading up any information on the syndrome. For years she has tried to "teach me" how to flirt with girls, how to "act" around girls to make them know I am interested, etc....it has never worked, however

I have always felt more comfortable with people figuring them out. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why people act the way they do. It's often times quite interesting to sit there and go "They're just doing that because they're being stupid." One of course big thing that I have always been a bit of a stickler for is why so many women date so many as*hole jerks yet there is someone like me who is honest (very much so), loyal, and devoted standing right here. It is one of the largest complexities I have ever encountered with regards to how people act.

Present Day

I to this day feel like a bit of a social outcast. I'm not one for drinking games, and I have tried to force myself to drink socially just to kind of show my friends that I do enjoy their company and the things they do. But I've never drank to get drunk, I can barely even stand the taste and would prefer not to drink at all--I am always the designated driver when we all go out.

I have worked on some of my social issues, namely because I'm an adult and in order to operate in this world I kind of have to. But I still can't get by the fact that there are certain things I just can't deal with and will work around them as much as possible.



There's so much more I could post, but if you're down to this point I am wondering--do you think I may have AS in some shape or form?

Howdy and welcome. I'm no judge and jury. fact is most everybody under the sun can find a few things about AS they can relate to. It's the sum of the totals, when you have more then just a few you need to be wondering. Does the shoe fit? There is a test or two floating around here, links to them i should say. You might want to give them a go. I just looked over, and my wife did at the same time, the syndrome and we just sort of gasped. There I was in black and white. A close freind in cali looked it up and sent back an email that started OMG!! The thing to remember is we come in all sorts of shapes, colors, levels. What I can do some can't, what others can do I can't. there is no uniform here and I like it alot. The call is yours my friend, call in a pro if you like, but more then one of us has had trouble on that front.

You're right, it is the sum of all totals. And I have always been the one to never really want to put "names" to conditions. I've never understood stuff like depression.....always have been the ytpe to say deal with it...but when I take a deep look at my life and everything about it. Whether it be my relationships, my childhood, my friendships--and just generally me......I can't help but sit here and be like "wow"...especially when it was someone else that brought it to my attention.

Well, it seems like your only "symptom" is that you're not good at socializing. That alone isn't enough to make someone have AS. From your post, I think you're just introverted or shy. Maybe you have Social Anxiety Disorder, but you didn't seem to describe any particular fear or worry having to do with social situations.

Maybe I misinterpreted what the condition is? I read quite a bit about it on wikipedia. Is there anything particularly extreme?

See, what also caught my attention is that when I was significantly younger my doctors noted that I may have had some form of autism but it wasn't necessarily pursued by my family at the time. I don't remember any of that at all but it was something my mother has told me.

It's all good though... If not, oh well. Guess I'll deal like always.

You can still hang out here, even if it isn't AS.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Being a judge of these things, I think you have a very bad case and should never mention it.

Why, because you are dealing with it. There is no cause, treatment, or cure, just dealing with it.

It is much cheaper, and there is no paper trail to explain.

You are a third of the way to 69, you are formed, you are who you are.

This friend who has known you since you were a Freshman in high school, who is always there for you, who you can speak deeply with, who discovered and told you about AS, and has spent years trying to teach you how flirt with girls, let them know you are interested, which has not worked yet, but she is a loyal friend, honest, devoted, who knows you well and understands you deeply.

You are very lucky to have one such good friend in life, it is not likely you will ever find another. Unless she is your sister I think you should ask her for kissing lessons. You are an aspie, and they are socially blind, and a bit dumb. I understand you do not like large gatherings, but do well in small group settings, perhaps the two of you, a nude slumber party, and an emptyness in both lives filled. There is nothing complex about it, it is what friends do. Sometimes they do it for the rest of their lives.

Being as you admit to being blind, I will tell you, girls are seeking someone to love them for who they are. You are too late to score a high school cheerleader, that will get you five to ten now. You would never understand girls if you lived to be a hundred. Few would ever make the effort for a confused geek like you. Most will hurt you. You need a keeper, you have found a kind and understanding one, and you are no prize.

Girls only have one hobby, you are hers. You could live alone and become a 40 year old virgin. You could end this confusing young adult part of life, resolve your place in life, and get on with making money to enjoy the rest of your life. I have no idea what you are looking for, and I think you don't either. What you need is someone to make sure you eat, sleep, and wear clean clothes. It is the best and only offer you have.

Many of the stories around here say, I survived because of my wife of twenty two years. Aspies make good married folk, and unhappy singles.

I have spoken, read for yourself, ask how many have such a good friend, you are lucky, and dumb.

I suspect from your tale that you are somewhere on the spectrum. Just a couple of little clues that I've seen. Look around, see if anything looks familiar. You may notice things that you've always done, and just never really thought all that remarkable. I know that there was some worry that I had autism when I was young, but I guess it was ruled out due to intelligence. Asperger's wasn't really well known, so I wasn't tested.

Inventor speaks the truth. The OP is not painfully shy, but mind blind. He needs to understand this and learn how to compensate.

That sound exactly like me, I am also new so I haven't read alot here yet. The only difference is that I haven't reach the interviews yet.