Mountain Goat wrote:
Liverpool Dave. The great thing is that there are people in here that understand you, or can relate to you. I have not been assessed yet but I am either on the spectrum or have traits of it.... But for most of my life I have felt alone as far as people are concerned. It is like only my Mum can begine to understand me as she shares a few of the traits that I get (Though not all as she seems to be one who attracts people while I struggle in this way. I sometimes feel like some sort of monster the way people relate to me in groups at times... They take their children away from me and I don't know why or what they see in me that looks different).
Anyway, for most of my life I have known I am different and this brings lonliness as I can't connect with people. I find that though I avoid crowds as I just don't like crowded enviroments... They can make me panic... But, generally, I can be in a crowd of people who I know and still feel lonely! They all seem to talk to each other and I seem to be left out.
But the great thing is that on this site, people know where I am coming from. I can connect with them somehow, as they understand. I was amazed that I have actually found "Normal" people in this world that I can relate to and talk to. People who are not just trying to be polite like kind souls I often meet (And God bless them. They are lovely), but people that actually understand me. It makes a huge difference.
And something I am excited about which I did not think I would be. If When I am assessed, it is asperges or autism that I have, then I am actually excited to meet others who have the same. I had been thinking along the lines of "Why do I want to meet people who have problems I don't understand". I know this is an odd thing to say, but when I stim (I didn't know it was stimming) or avoid eye contact or something along those lines, it is very subtle and I didn't even know why I was subtly stimming except certain things I would do when I was nurvous. You see, I was taught to try to behave like everyone else, so if someone noticed something I did that was different, I would be told off for it... So I would force myself not to do it, or try to do what is percieved as normal, like eye contact (Most people don't notice, but I either turn my face towards them, and my eyes would look slightly left or right of them, or I could put my eyes into a type of trance where I take them out of focus... Though when I do this and the other person moves, my eyes don't follow them which give the game away! I also tend to stare a people or things when my mind goes blank or if I am deep in thought. I don't often know I have done this untill I "Click out of it" when I realize I have done it).
Yes it is interesting to compare notes with others on the spectrum, and it is good to be among people who can understand and won't just think you're an oddball. I guess I thought I was becoming more ok about being what I am and with other peoples' response to it, but it still hurts sometimes when I become aware that family members are making fun of me, even if they are doing it in quite a gentle way. I am sorry to hear about your experiences in groups of people. I have a young niece and she and her husband are quite protective of their little girls when my son is around and I find that hard, as there is no way he would harm those girls. They seem to think that being Aspergers makes him into some kind of dangerous monster. He doesn't seem to notice it, which is just as well as it would hurt him too if he knew I think.
I find with crowds wearing my reading glasses helps an awful lot. They become a blur and I feel quite insulated from them. It becomes necessary to watch where I am going quite carefully tho!
21 Jul 2019, 9:41 am
