Intro Attempt

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Hey...

It's always been hard for me to make an introduction, but I'm gonna try. Well... I am a 21 years old brazilian guy, computer engineering student, who has been diagnosed with Asperger about 6 years ago, and Social Anxiety as well. Recently I feel like I must talk with someone, and I found this amazing site. That's my history:

Shortly after my diagnosis I felt strange, I mean... I've never felt like a normal person, I just couldn't fit anywhere... but having a paper confirming that I was different... well, it was pretty shocking to me. I tried to move on and forget that, which was not possible.
In the next 2 years, around 2011, I've faced a heavy depression because of some ongoings with my life. I had the sensation that people looked at me and thought: ew... what a strange boy, he's not going anywhere with that. Some of them actually just looked and laughed... And this felling made me go to pieces. I've put all the blame on Asperger, and I wished I shouldn't have born. After a period of endless crying and sleeping to make me forget the real world, my mom took me to an psychologist which prescribed antidepressants. So after a while I became better, but the feeling of not fitting anywhere was never gone.
I have severe problems with social interaction, when it comes to talk with a person... I mean, I can talk to people, but I just don't know how to hold a conversation, I just keep thinking: I shouldn't be here talking, he/she is hating me, I need to go. I feel analyzed every single second I'm with someone, and it tears me apart. I can't eat in public, I can't live among a lot of people, It's like I was meant to born in another planet (that fits the site title). I've never told this to anyone, nor my family or friends, because I simply don't think they will understand or support.
Currently I am under a heavy pressure of finding a job, but I keep thinking on the admission process and it freaks me out. It's way too hard to me to think on a person asking me a lot of questions, and I just can't think how I could live among work partners inviting me to eat, or going to parties. It's like I could live in a box with no one bothering me, which is, unfortunately, impossible.
So I'm here to read stories and find people like me, so we can move forward together, understanding each other. I hope I find someone.

Thanks for the attention.

Hi and welcome,

I can relate to that part about living in a box but at the same time I want that, being invited and being able to say yes and feel confortable. Do you also feel like that or would you be ok with just giving that up?

I'm still in the process of accepting and understanding this. I get a lot of confusion because it get's hard to know myself, to know if I'm a calm or stressed person, for example. I always tought I was just growing up and figuring myself out but knowing about aspergers makes me sad because maybe i'll never know. Hope you understand what I'm saying

Já agora, portuguesa aqui

Hey VictorN welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!