My name is Tom and I am 22. I was formally diagnosed with asperger's formally diagnosed around the age of 6. I had a rough childhood, bullying, fitting in, finding my place and making friends. This is the first time I have ever put my feelings into words, nevertheless to strangers on the internet, but i have a strong feeling some, if not most, will understand what it has been like.
As a young adult, going through university, independently, I often feel lonely and in a foreign place, which drinking is must and doing stupid stuff is cool. I hate drinking, I hate clubs, I hate crowds. But with most of friends, which i don't think they are, they go out every night and the feeling of loneliness comes back. I haven't met people in my area that don't go out and party. Relationships scare the hell out of me, The uncertainty of it all, I can't bear it. I have had girlfriends before, but a series of mixed emotions and my last ex-gf cheating on me, on Christday day, really did, I went into a spiral of depression, suicidal thoughts, self loathing, I hate myself for it. This was 4 years ago, and i haven't spoken to girl since.
My anxiety stops me doing a lot of things, which makes me sad and angry at myself, I don't like answering call, I feel like i need to see the person, to able to be calm talking to them and girls i can't talk to, without murmuring and blurting out something see as impolite. Small talk and chitchat is hard for me to do, including banter, I have to think really hard to do anything of this. I prefer deep conversation or talking about my favorite things. Even doing this post fills me with uncertainty and dread. Should I do it?
I decided to come here, because most of my life I haven't met or known a people with asperger's and i want to see how other people coped with life. Is there for hope for me getting another girlfriend? Does it get easier or the same as you grow up?
Thank you for reading this,
Tom
10 Apr 2015, 12:04 pm
