Hi, I've been afraid to speak out and share for over a year. I've been hiding all of my life and I want to stop. Today, after a very big meltdown in the doctor's waiting room, I was driving through a restaurant drive-thru and I ran into the badly placed light pole. My side-mirror is gone and there's a dent in my door. The pole is fine. Physically, I'm fine. The thing is that I couldn't stand up for myself and report it to the place. I couldn't talk to them. There is absolutely no damage to them but I feel so guilty. I don't think I could report it to my insurance, because I can't talk on the phone. My car, my safe-person and myself made it home. When I made it to my room, I had a complete devastating meltdown and I hurt myself. I hit myself. It's not the first time. I want it to be the last. I kept on saying I hate you, I hate you. I realize I need help. I need a new therapist, someone who is going to take me seriously when I say that I have Asperger's, someone who is going to help me learn the skills that I need to live my life. I've had some very bad experiences with therapists who focused completely on my childhood, but I'm an adult. And I'm tired of therapists telling me that if I just go out enough that I'll get over my anxiety. They say that I'm afraid of having a panic attack in public. I've had enough attacks to know that's not true! My attacks center around sensory overload. All the noises and lights are just too much. After being in therapy for 10 years you'd think I would have made some progress. Therapy has not worked for me. Anti-depressants made me sick. And now after the accident, I wonder if I'll let myself go out ever again. I feel stuck, angry that I can't pretend to be NT anymore. No more smiles and pretending that I'm okay. Sorry, I just spilled everything out of me. How do you find a decent therapist who understands Asperger's and the adult woman when you're poor and you live in a rural area?
21 Aug 2015, 1:22 pm
