Seeking answers

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Hello,

I'd like to share a little bit about myself with the hopes that I can get some feedback.

I've reached a point in my life where I'm considering the possibility that I may have undiagnosed Asperger's (or what used to be called, anyways). I will be 30 this month. Since childhood, I've had experiences that I now feel weren't adequately described through diagnoses of Major Depression, Social Phobia, or Avoidant Personality alone. I've had several therapists since my senior year of high school but autism has never come up in my discussions with them. Even during a couple inpatient hospital stays in recent years, this wasn't assessed. I have to admit that I didn't know much about autism so it never occurred to me to bring it up over the years. Recently, I've done some research into Asperger's and have viewed some YouTube videos from individuals who claim to identify as such. I've been somewhat overwhelmed by what I've discovered in that it seems to make sense of things. But, of course, I'm not going to simply declare myself as such. I know that I would need to be formally diagnosed. Still, I want to know whether or not my experiences are relateable to those who know they are Aspies.

Here are some behaviors to list:

*Hypervigilant

*Isolated. Since I can remember, I've had a tendency to spend much of my free time alone. I think this goes beyond mere introversion. As of today, I don't have any friends and am estranged or located far from family members.

*Social situations are a conscious, taxing effort. I have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation with others. It's as if I don't know what to say in the moment and stumble through my words as I force myself to interact, making for awkward and anxiety prone moments. My speech is broken and tangential. Consistent exposure doesn't seem to decrease anxiety. I will ruminate and experience intense shame over embarrassing moments. Unfortunately, this is often reinforced by the negative reactions from others.

*Trouble reading people, which is directly related to the above. It seems as if I can't discern whether someone likes or dislikes me. As a consequence, I might assign threat to neutral statements or non verbal cues.

*I can be slow to process information. Frequently, I find myself wondering what someone just said to me because I'm too absorbed in my thoughts or there is too much going on around me. Easily overwhelmed.

*Sensitive to sound, light, and emotional stimuli. A strange example for sound might include a push broom or chalk on a board which are disturbing to me for some reason. My hair stands up as if I was getting the chills. The sound of a certain kind of voice can enrage me. Sudden sounds can elicit a panic response. Light can make my eyes water. Watching movies at the theater can cause me problems both from the sensory input and the content.

*Distrusting or overly trusting. I seem to either keep completely to myself, bottling up emotion, or I end up feeling like I've said too much. Most of the time my affect is flat. I am severely triggered if I feel misunderstood.

*Self-conscious to a distressing extent. I worry about my appearance often. I am conscious of my posture, my gait, eye movement, and breathing most of the time. It's uncomfortable and unhealthy.

*Upset by unexpected events/changes in plans or routine. I do the same things almost every day. My diet is also limited. If I forget something it's like a shot of adrenaline.

*Fixated on a few topics but disinterested in most. A therapist once expressed that I perseverate too much on those select things.

*Depressed. I'm sometimes asked what it felt like when I was happy and I don't have reference. I've attempted suicide a few times.

Anyways, these are just a few things I've noticed about myself. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts?

Thank you,

-quasar

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hey quasar welcome.

For some unknown reason, I think you like astronomy.