A way of saying hi

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Hi everybody

As you can expect from these kinds of topics, this is my very first post on WP. I'm not a native English speaker, so please excuse any faults or confusing sentences.

I am a 20-year old and, like a lot of people here, life has always felt like a constant struggle. I always thought that having a severe stutter was the primary reason for my lengthy periods of isolation and clinical depression, but about a week ago, I discovered that I probably have Asperger's. I've always been curious about the nature of my own behaviour and that of others. Showing a profound affection for personal discovery and search for meaning in the philosophical-Jungian Psychology sense. A few years ago, I stumbled upon an article in a magazine that read '10 signs your child is Autistic.' While I never read articles with such sensational headlines (this being in a silly magazine I picked up while sitting on a toilet), I apparently had nothing better to do. I never took it into account, but as the description said that '7 or more signs require further inspection', and I scored a perfect 10/10, I decided to delve a little deeper.

My biggest mistake was that I shelved this suspicion way too soon. Conventional autism showed too many differences with my own being, and I decided that a few autistic traits (which are prominent in my family) are no cause for alarm. During that period, which was closely linked to self-discovery, I discovered my primordial interest in life: narrative arts. Through the gesamtkunstwerk that is film, I discovered how wonderful it is to see life in itself grasped by little things. And, as contradictory as it sounds, that little personal things that are extremely universal. I can honestly say that film saved my life. After a terrible puberty and adolescence, I was an extremely bitter man, more of a misanthropic A-hole than a recluse. But film learned me to show, and honestly feel, empathy. Albeit a strongly intellectualised version, it is still better than no empathy at all. If I'm feeling dramatic, I might say that film was a sort of cure for my life. Not that it solved my problems, but it made them understandable, easy to grasp, and it soothed my longing for knowledge about myself.

I started dedicating my life to film, enrolling in film school, working on becoming a true film buff etc... But as film school is in itself an extremely social environment, getting through the day is a challenge in itself. I managed to make a good friend in my first year, but he changed his field of study, which leaves me today without any close friends at all. The few real friends I managed to accumulate throughout my life are gone, as I completely lost contact with every single one of them. And even when I meet them again, they feel like complete strangers.

These further complications lead me to further inquiry into the possible nature of my problems. I still suspected stuttering as the primary source of evil, but I noticed very large differences between my stuttering peers and myself. Especially the very large gap between anxiety to speak and anxiety in general. In an impulsive moment, I googled Asperger's, and here I am. I can honestly say that I'm excited, in a weird way. A week ago, I had an anxiety disorder, ADD, OCD, clinical depression, etc... And now, I only have Asperger's. Which is an improvement, right? I did have some trouble at first, because all my traits which I considered special and 'unique', like my sense of humor, are apparently either symptom or consequence of something else. Even to the point that I wondered whether I was a unique person or just someone who is guided by Asperger's in his every move. Luckily, that depressing train of thought was fixed by my school psychiatrist who stated that, even when there are people very much like me, I still make unique films. Which proved to be a huge boost in my self-confidence The only part that remains frustrating is that I feel it is not my job to make a diagnosis. I remember clearly what I was like at 8-9 years old, and when I read about the visible symptoms of Asperger's, I wonder how incompetent those teachers must have been, in failing to notice something so apparent. My puberty was pure hell, and I keep thinking that an earlier diagnosis might have helped me survive that ordeal, and would have left me in much better shape than I am in now. But at least I don't have to blame myself anymore. (As a video game addict, I was certain that my own addiction was the reason I messed everything up)

Right now, I'm working on fixing an appointment with a local centre for autism spectrum disorders, in the hope of getting an 'official' diagnosis. I would be very surprised if the diagnosis turned out negative. I read up on Asperger's in the meantime (Tony Attwood proved to be a good researcher in the field, with quite comprehensive works), and it is all there. The weird thing is that most of the clinicians don't do diagnoses on adults. I found only one in my local centre, which makes it quite hard to get an appointment, as these people are extremely busy. Aspies are quite a handful I guess :p

Anyway, my primary goal in signing up for this forum is to feel some sense of belonging. I found it invigorating to meet other people who stutter, I'm certain this will be an equally positive experience. I also hope that, through talking and, maybe in the future, professional guidance, I will be able to fix the problems I'm going through at school. My biggest hope for the future is that, in overall, the positive traits of Asperger's might help to make some pretty good films.

In my mind, I prepared a very long text BEFORE signing up, that I would post as an introduction. And this is about 20% of that text. So if there are any questions-->Shoot

Hey Wolferick welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Your way of writing expressive English is excellent. Thank you for sharing your story.

Welcome to WP! Enjoy every moment of discovery...

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Awesome story by the way. There's plenty of people like yourself on here.

Thanks for all the kind words This community has proven to be an incredible source of inspiration. Very hopeful!