female, just diagnosed at 42

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Hi everyone. I am a 42 year old female wife and mother, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's a couple of weeks ago after three weeks worth of assessment appointments with a local psychiatrist who has both an MD and a PhD (so hopefully he's stayed at least somewhat up to date with the latest research, studies, and papers, etc.).

I'm still waiting for his summary/conclusions to arrive in the mail. He did, however, tell me at the last appointment that he felt that I have a strong and long-standing "fear of people" (social anxiety), Pragmatic Language problems, depression (a problem I've had off and on since I was about 16 and was medicated for throughout the 90s), and summarized by saying "would I diagnose you with classic autism? not in a million years, because you had no language delays and because of your ability to identify and talk about your feelings" and then went on to say that I do, however, have the traits that would point to an Asperger's diagnosis (well, ASD nowadays, but yeah). Then he said that what he wants to do is refer me to a psychiatrist who will be covered by my insurance who I can arrange to see regularly so that we can go from here.

I have four extended family members who are on the spectrum (one autistic, two with asperger's, one diagnosed with pdd-nos) so I suspect that his written paperwork will state the same conclusion of ASD (with a side of depression).

I'm conflicted about my feelings about this. On the one hand, I've been failing at being NT my entire life and it's soul-crushing at times, so maybe this gives me the chance to be an awesome aspie instead of a failed NT (so that would be good).

On the other hand, at this point in my life I've already had to do everything all by myself as a weird, stand-offish, matter-of-fact, literal-minded, friendless woman who rubs everyone the wrong way all the time and who apparently suffers from resting b!tch face; it kind of makes me angry that I had to fight my way through my life thinking that I was broken and messed up and a mistake all this time, and most of all thinking that nobody else "out there" was like me. Not to mention feeling the need to spend my life pretending to be stuff I wasn't, while constantly upset at being so completely and utterly misunderstood all this time. My marriage is a nightmare and I'm constantly being told that it's my fault for not "being normal" but I'm just being me, and having someone ask "what's your mental problem?!" all the time is wearing me down. A diagnosis a long time ago could've helped me to avoid wasting all of my time hating myself and questioning myself, whereas now my parents are both dead and the marriage is the only thing I have left and I don't think I can do it on my own. So maybe an earlier diagnosis would've kept me from being so bitter, who knows.

So maybe this will at least, if nothing else, help me to connect to some people who are at least a little bit like me... I hope so. Sorry this went long. I do that. Typing is my best mode of communication, so you see how I can annoy people if this is the best I can do. Anyway, thanks for having me.

Welcome (Living).

Thanks, Earthling.

Hi! I've been a member of this forum (though largely dormant) for a number of years and joined when my daughter who is now 17 was diagnosed with Aspergers a few years ago. Like in many cases her diagnostic process rang alarm bells for me and I knew that I was on the spectrum myself (AS score 49 out of 50!) Living in the UK we have a free medical service but it is so slow it is crippling! Anyway after four years of waiting for appointments etc I have finally got an official diagnosis of ASD at 56 years old!! Hurray!! I can therefore emphasise with many of the comments in your post. It is regrettable that here in the UK there is no real follow up for newly diagnosed adults. There is a small private medical/psyciatirc body in the UK but very few have the means to afford it and in any case officialdom (welfare benefits, local government bodies etc) do not usually accept reports etc from the private sector. Like you I have been given the diagnosis at a consultation and I am expecting the full report in the post tomorrow.

I was wondering if you feel as if you have had something of a rebirth - I know I feel a bit like that. I now understand why so many aspects of my life so far have fouled up and that it was not my fault. Have you any
thoughts on how to rebuild a new life when we start so much later in life?

hi, livinginparentheses, welcome. you are a good communicator. i especially like your alliteration, "awsome aspie." what are some things you like to do?

Hi catrainor, I wrote a long reply to you but the board ate it. I will try to remember to copy my post before submitting in the future so that I don't have to try to remember what all I wrote, and then re-do it.

I had said, we do certainly have some things in common. I have three children, two of whom I think are very likely on the spectrum, but one is technically an adult and he doesn't want to hear about this right now at this point in his life, so I will respect that. The other is a 12 year old who wants help with her social anxiety so I will find her someone who happens to be well-versed in ASDs if possible, so that way if it comes up we can address it with the person who she will hopefully at that point be familiar with.

Then I had said that I wish this did feel like a re-birth for me, and actually it did at first, when I left that final appointment with a sort of a diagnosis. I texted my husband thinking that it was the most important text I"d ever send, and that it would help us to understand our differences a billion times better. But instead he simply replied "well now I have no hope". I was instantly plunged down into the depths of a depressive episode before I could even try to stop myself, cried for two days afterwards, then bought Steve Silberman's "NeuroTribes" and Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to Aspergers" and a couple of Temple Grandin books (I'd already seen her HBO movie of her life and a bunch of her youtube videos), and read them all. Now I'm just kind of .. waiting for it all to sink in while waiting for the paperwork that I hope comes tomorrow in the mail (I'm in the US and today is a postal holiday - Columbus Day).

I really don't know what to do from here. My tendency is to do nothing, I guess... and just keep on trying to get through each day as it comes. I'd like to enjoy the feeling of re-birth that I felt for such a short period of time that first day, but right now it's just same old thing day after day because my life hasn't actually changed. And I haven't even actually changed. Nothing has changed, except now my doctor who I have had for over 20 years is going to get paperwork about me that is going to change how he thinks about me, sees me, feels about me, and treats me. And that makes me feel even worse right now.

I don't know. I guess that's why I joined here. I just need a little help climbing up and out of this hole of despair that I'm in. I know this is a good thing, but it doesn't seem to matter right now because nothing else in life is getting better because of it.. hopefully I can say "yet" and have it be true.

Thanks for replying, and I hope you keep on having that feeling of rebirth and keep on sharing that positivity around here, I look forward to getting to see things through those eyes.

Hi cathylynn, thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate you taking the time to say hello and compliment my writing style/communication.

I love the sound of "awesome aspie" as well - it kind of feels like a superhero or something to me, haha.

My interests include music (I like rock and prog rock/metal and my daughter has gotten me into "her" music, which are bands of the style that would be on Van's Warped Tour - I think they're more or less punk rock influenced but I'm not sure because she always uses genre and niche names that I'm not familiar with) and also computers/internet (I do have a 2-year degree in web programming but I got it back in 2000, when it was far less common and when people still coded by hand - these days it's kind of a pointless degree to have, and as fast as technology evolves I'd probably be largely useless these days).

I have also been a huge cat lover for my entire life, and have three shelter adoptees. I have had other special interests which have been even more intense but lasted less time (most last up to two years and then they disappear faster than they began, which is so strange to me) but these that I"ve listed have been life-long. The computer/internet is what I go to instantly when I need to withdraw, and to me the ability to listen to music trumps the ability to see. Which is a good thing because I also have glaucoma (which is when you have very high eye pressures which, in my case, refuse to stay down despite all medications we've tried and which are causing damage to my optic nerves) and at some point may well lose that ability to see.

What are your special interests? And, thanks again for your reply!

Welcome! I was diagnosed at 40, and can definitely relate to the 'failed NT' feeling!

My diagnosis came after my marriage failed (specifically due to issues that suspiciously added up to Asperger's) - so I hope that in your case, the help has come soon enough to save your marriage!

Nice to meet you!

Hi Ashariel, and thanks for the welcome! I don't know whether the diagnosis will help anything in the long run as far as the marriage goes, but it will help me to understand that it's not my fault that I am how I am, and to know how much I can reasonably blame myself in the long run for how things turn out, which is helpful in and of itself.

Hey LivingInParentheses welcome.

Hi, RoadRatt, thanks! Glad to be here!

i like music, too, but different types. i sing in a chorus. we do classical and musicals mostly. i also like folk rock and soft rock. i guess i'm on the mellow side.

i've taken a few computer courses. it's too detail-oriented for me. i'm a late-life student in nursing school.

i have a rescued cat and would have more, but schmuppabubba smoke HATES other cats. he worked himself up into a very expensive vomitting vet visit the one time we tried having another cat.

i like to cook healthy meals for my husband and me.

Oh, how nice, to be in a chorus! I miss singing in one. I was always active in choir at school and church for awhile as well growing up, and then also when I went back to college later in life.

I really need to start cooking more (and eating healthier!).. I've gotten lazy over the years.

I just got a copy of my evaluation report in the mail. The copy that's identical to the one going to my doctor.

I can't stop crying.

I feel so bad about myself right now reading this.

It is so hard having someone make a list of what's wrong with you and what you do wrong and your entire life's summary of WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG.

I don't know why I did this, I really don't. I haven't even finished it yet and I feel horrible.

I find myself wondering how people deal with this. I can't separate out the "me" he wrote about and the "me" that I am, because there's only one me. This is horrible. I feel like I'm being made fun of/picked on/bullied reading this.

Oh, LivingInParenthesis...I'm so sorry. If it helps, I've learned that the diagnosis doesn't change who you are and if you want you can still be every bit the weird, stand-offish, matter-of-fact, literal-minded, friendless woman who rubs everyone the wrong way all the time and who apparently suffers from resting b!tch face.

(for me, that would be an improvement i could live with)

Yeah, it really hurts when someone - some authority - looks at your weak areas and instead of seeing the workarounds that you have crafted and are proud of ('cause they help you get by)...they point at them and seem to say, "Broken, right THERE!". You didn't mention what the "official diagnosis" from this particular assessor turned out to be, but please know that regardless of what they put down on the page...you do fit in here, IMO and have much to teach and share.

Thank you Edenthiel. I appreciate your reply very much.

It was funny, I read your sentence about being stand-0ffish, etc, and at first I was thinking "wow you really are describing me great for someone who doesn't know me!" .... then quickly remembered that I wrote that stuff in my original post. oops. humor always saves the day, with me.

*sigh*

I think part of why it was so upsetting to read is because when I type stuff about myself, it's just ranting and I don't think about it much later. But when I *read* stuff about myself, and it's worded with my first name in a sentence and says stuff like "She also experienced peer rejection, teasing, and social isolation during adolescence, presumably because of social skills deficits and pragmatic language problems," it makes me sympathize with the child in the story and then I realize it's me and then I feel really sorry for her... which is actually feeling sorry for myself, which I don't normally try to let myself do, I guess.

Then to have that followed up with "The combination of these experiences also seems to be a contributor to her mood, anxiety and attention problems" means that I have all three of those problems (mood, anxiety, and attention) on top of the ones he listed a few sentences sentence prior (social skills deficits and pragmatic language problems).. so in that short paragraph I was just blindsided in three different ways, kind of. But not. Because I knew that was the way I was. But before it was just my quirky personality, not a list of deficits that detract from a regular bona-fide human being. Which is how it felt. I guess it takes a little time to work through all of this.

So the bottom of this long bunch of papers says -

"Diagnosis:

DSM-V:

Social Anxiety Disorder

Panic Attacks

Dysthymia

Pragmatic Language Disorder (Asperger's)

ADHD, Other specified (patient has other symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity/impulsivity that could be caused by insufficiently treated thyroid disorder, hormonal problems, and social anxiety)

Hashimoto's Disease

R/O peri-menopause and other hormonal problems"

It's like a buy two, get a bunch free sale with diagnoses, here.

I knew I had Hashimoto's (thyroid issue) and I knew that I was taking hormones (so probably have hormone issues/ may be in peri-menopause) so none of those were surprises or new news, though.

But yeah. I don't really care for the way he put "Pragmatic Language Disorder (Asperger's)" I don't think... I'm not sure that's necessarily the same thing, DSM-V or not. But I don't know enough to be 100% on that yet. I'm going to have to do a little research about that. But it still fits well enough I guess, either way.

I don't know what to do with this information. I do know I've never been able to hold down a job but since I'm married I don't think that there's any kind of programs that might help me out now that Im' diagnosed. Don't know how that works. And I'm not in school (besides I did well in school except math and foreign languages).. so yeah.

It's good to just get all this off my chest. Thanks again for giving me the opportunity, by responding and asking about the diagnoses (I hadn't even finished reading it yet when I posted originally, so I didn't know yet).