Laughed at...

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Since I am so lonely, last night I attempted to attend a support group for adults with Asperger's. I was hoping to make the acquaintance of someone similar to myself. There were two facilitators and seven other attendees besides me. Five of those seven were regulars. When I first arrived I introduced myself, then one of the facilitators indicated a nearby counter on which snacks were laid. When I commented that I had brought my water bottle, one of the other attendees laughed. I have been thinking about that ever since it happened, trying to understand what I did that was humorous or ridiculous. Perhaps he thought that I was stating the obvious because I was holding my water bottle. In the moment, I tried to set the laughter aside and prioritize my purpose for coming. The meeting proper started by having all of us introduce ourselves and add whatever brief comment we were inclined to share. I was stunned that everyone else spoke and gestured like so-called neurotypical people, even the person who laughed at me. Again I felt like I usually feel, like a stranger in a strange land. Even worse, I felt ashamed. One of the facilitators introduced the topic for the evening's discussion: what does it look like when you are being understood. Everybody (except me) enumerated utterances, facial expressions, and gestures associated with being understood. I tried to follow the discussion but I could not overcome the compulsion to figure out what I had done to elicit laughter in the very place where I thought it would be safe to speak. Then my hands started doing that funny fidgety thing they do when I am uncomfortable. Over and over I kept forcing them down to my lap, pressing palms to thighs. Over and over they kept popping up, touching every letter of the label embossed in the surface of the table before me, playing imaginary keyboards. Finally I could not follow the discussion anymore and I felt anxiety rising to threatening levels. I always feel so vulnerable when I cannot track what is going on. So I left. I do not know what to do. I am very disappointed, even heartbroken. I guess I did not understand how weird I am until I got into a group of people among whom I thought I had a chance of feeling comfortable. I wonder if this means I am more autistic than the typical Asperger's person. I do not know where to turn now to form social connections, of which I have none at present.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hi Gawain,
I don't think you need to worry about "having been laughed at".
As long as you didn't get mocked or anything like that it's probably ok.

I wonder what the guy thought though... maybe the snacks were for free and he laughed that you deliberately passed up on the chance for a free drink? Who knows... and who cares, honestly... Nothing inherently wrong with bringing your own beverege to such a place IMO.

In any case, I'm sure you can find a thread here by people who have had similar experiences, many of us for sure know about feeling alienated in general.
Welcome Gawain.

i think people overlook sometimes that aspies can be just as alien to each other as they are among NTs (or others). the spectrum is too wide for people to click easier than they would with anyone "outside" of it. IMO.

i hope you didn't let the laughter get under your skin too much.

maybe this place will be different...maybe not...but welcome to the club, anyway.

Hey Gawain58 welcome.

Hello Gawain58, You have mentioned that you are weird. My friend, you are not weird, what we who happen to live on the Spectrum do is normal. It may not be normal for other people but it is normal for us and it is ok to be you and it is ok to be me. What you have written I am able to relate to and I have come to understand that if people don't like our actions then they are living with an issue.
Be yourself my friend the world needs people like us.
Here is a little fun bumper sticker I saw on a car just the other day: "If you don't like the way I drive, then stay off the footpath."
Enjoy.

Carrying your own water around is ok. I used to get laughed at for carrying a piece of cheese around in my pocket, which I'd take out and take a chomp out of every now and again.

Welcome welcome and welcome.

You wouldn't believe me in meetings (haven't found a local aspie meetup though)... If you're weird then I'm weird beyond measure. At conference tables I spin pens at 300RPM or something, also I remember my bosses squabbling over opening weekly meetings with lolcats or not. I took that one for the team and fought for our lolcats.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

and thankfully they aren't.

Welcome Gawain

I have no idea what prompted the fellow to laugh but I can totally relate to how you felt and I think you described the situation and the feelings it evoked in you superbly well in your post. You are very eloquent and I think that, given the right opportunity, you should have no problems making friends.

By the way, have you considered that the man who laughed was actually the "weird" one and his laughter was inappropriate?

I have learnt to think and live out this affirmation;
'What people think of me is none of my business.'
The person who laughed at you could have a hundred reasons for doing so and none of them were toward you.
Just a thought.

I am grateful for all of the welcome, encouragement, and feedback. What I do not understand is this: When do we discount a social cue? I have struggled for so long to amend my behavior based on the "feedback" (in all forms) I receive from those around me: the look of confusion, the look of boredom, the sound of (dis)approval, ... When someone emits a cue--like laughter--how can I tell whether the cue should "cue me in" to the need for change on my part or whether I need not pay attention to this cue? I understand I should place more store in the cues from authority figures, but what about everyone else, especially in the context of trying to meet people who might become friends? I have not been able to develop an appropriate algorithm. I do understand (now) that "the spectrum" is broad indeed and that it was overly optimistic of me to think I might feel comfortable in that meeting. I guess I am most disappointed that none of the other eight people at the meeting (besides me and the person who laughed) had enough compassion to set me straight or set the person who laughed straight, not even the facilitators. If I ever become a regular attendee at such a group and I see a newcomer encountering that kind of distress, I am going to stand up for them in a way that I hope is discrete and does not communicate any judgement that they need saving, because that is not what they need. What they need is for an established member to offer them friendship. I think such groups should have a policy of established members volunteering to partner with newcomers for a few months.

I don't think he was laughing at you in a bad, mocking or condescending way. Maybe he just found it amusing and couldn't help it.

Many people take a water bottle with them to various social events, as they need to drink water frequently and aren't sure what the setup will be. Nothing at all odd about that.

Don't overthink the whole "social cue" situation. We're indeed all different but need to support each other, which is the reason for this website and forums. I agree that established members acting as mentors could be a good idea, since it's difficult to manage a situation in which you meet a roomful of strangers for the first time.

Hey Gawain, here's a suggestion. If you think others are laughing at you, you can ask what's funny? This happened to me on Thanksgiving, I was with my family, I said something, and everybody else laughed. I asked why everyone was laughing at me. As I remember, nobody answered, I let it drop, and we went on having a good time.

I'm sure you had a painful experience of being laughed at, earlier in your life, when you really were being excluded and picked on. But you don't have to react to this the same way as you did when younger. You can ignore the laughing, join in the laughing, or ask what the joke is so you can enjoy it too.

With this thought in mind, you might try going back to that group and express what happened to you the first time. I bet that people will respond quite differently than you are expecting them to.

Hello,

I can appreciate your concern over the laughter as I can relate DIRECTLY!! !! I attended my first local Aspie group last evening and I took my own water bottle as I ALWAYS do. I had considered leaving it in my car, but figured they (the people inside) were probably accustom to people having their own water bottle or coffee cup.

I do NOT leave home without mine as I cannot stand the thought of drinking from something which I am unfamiliar with its origin or CLEANLINESS.

Maybe the person was so accustom to seeing this that the laughter was a simple acknowledgement of the obvious and them trying to say something to the effect of.................."Ya, I should have seen that coming. DUH."

Just a thought.

Cheers,

d