I've been stalking long enough, so I'll introduce myself here. I grew up not having this name or category for all of my peculiar ways - in fact when I started earnestly reading about autism, I thought everyone was like this. It explains a lot to find out that they don't.
In some ways I've been shielded by geek culture, as a lifelong computer programmer. People were able to categorize me as a nerd, with all that comes with it, but maybe a valuable nerd so they'd stick around. Thankfully it's not considered improper for geeks to have deep, involved verbal discussions (or arguments) with their code, or go around spewing numbers out loud.
I read in one autism article about "niche construction," where an individual chooses to interact with aspects of their environment that best fit how their particular brain processes information, which then sends them on a particular developmental path. It might be like that for me.
I was born a while back, where the world of my childhood lacked the same concepts of autism as now. My early learning disabilities and implosions were first seen in a Freudian light, then in a visual-therapy way, but never something cognitive. Later I came to understand how some crappy parents, with abuse and alcoholism and cruft, also fit in to my development.
But really only recently did I understand that autism was not only for the non-verbal, but also applied to those who have all of the problems/features that I have. I don't support a strong division between Aspergers and Autism for myself, at this point - it does feel like a multidimensional spectrum. I'd like to learn how the struggles of people who are more impacted in some ways, how their experience applies to me and how I can function better from seeing what everyone is doing.
It's really interesting to consider that my anxiety comes from over-stimulation, rather than being triggered by PTSD or something else. I can control my stimuli, somewhat.
The whole phenomenon now, of people in their teens and twenties knowing about their autism and finding out what to do now is fascinating. I've not encountered many of them IRL but I'm curious. My teens and twenties were part wasteland, part wonderland, and I didn't touch earth until somewhere in my mid thirties. Even now... lots to learn. Are you people getting who get earlier services living life differently than I was? Curious.
I don't currently see any good reason to seek out a diagnosis; I'd pass with flying colors anyway, but am not seeking accommodations or services. With a formal dx, I do worry about future discrimination from insurance or government gone bad; and I am anti-authoritarian enough to not really believe much in what the doctors' piece of paper might say anyway. Some of the cognitive sub-tests would be cool, but it's not worth the risk. Maybe later, but please don't hate; I'm not a poser and I'm not here to take anything from anyone else. In fact, I can't take anything from you. Kudos to you who have a dx and to those who don't - it's all good.
My meltdowns are really shutdowns; I crash inward when there's too much light or interaction or uncertainty or social expectation. Usually in a safe place, sometimes not. And can stay that way for many hours. I haven't lashed out at others at all (or in memory). I actually have very (very) low expectations of other people, so I can't imagine why I'd feel outraged or angry at someone - in my mind they're separate and don't owe me anything (even decency or non-violence). Or, maybe people with more outward meltdowns are feeling something else; I don't know.
I'm biologically male - though I think that gender is such a strongly social phenomenon that it's almost not real. I've tried lots of approaches to sex/gender and just don't feel strongly about it to take a harder path. Kudos to the people out there who are actively re-casting sex and gender in their lives and the world. I think that's one of the bravest moves someone can make.
So much of my life is in constraint, and afraid that something I say or that my face does will cause me trouble. I've learned and internalized a lot of it. I don't know what an unconstrained life would be like; it may not be that awesome and I realize it won't ever work out with normal people around. There are so many things that I just know to never say, I don't even know how many of these rules still apply.
I'm really only ever free with computers and programming and data and math. In that world I can really fly, and the data don't judge or complain; it's my world. I like low-level stuff; linux, vim, stochastic systems, information theory, predictive algorithms, flowing streams of random and meaningful data. I've managed to find a place in which people pay me to go into the zone and do my stuff, but I'm no savant. There is also lots of human, business, marketing, and other thinking that has to go into the mix to make it work.
The alias is just some of my numbers; I talk to myself in numbers a lot to arrange my thoughts. My inner concept with numbers seems to be as a stream of inner states and commands, verbalizing where I am and what I am thinking. Different numbers (like 2 or 5) or combinations have certain meanings, and they kind of flow by rapidly in distinct patterns. I started decoding them into English at one point, then stopped. Assigning an English word to one of the numbers freezes it in meaning to that word, makes it small and limited, and they are much bigger concepts. It's probably disturbing for others to listen to, but I'm feeling a bit more free about the expression. It's calming and keeps me on track with what I need to do.
I know some people in the community really like prime numbers - well, that's the stereotype anyway. I never got into primes, but actually the opposite, in how numbers combine and divide out. I think the Sumerian concept of 12's and 60's are so much cooler than our 10-base systems. Logarithms are cool too - there are days I feel that I live in log space. Primes are for crypto.
My hope with a place like Wrong Planet is to learn how to live a little better. It's relatively recent news to me that there are others like me; so I'm really just curious to find out how people handle the rough edges of their life experiences. And, whether those approaches might work for me. That's my hope...
06 Dec 2015, 8:43 pm
