Hello to all on the site, my name is Duncan

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Its really good to find this site, isn't the internet fabulous for getting people together??? If you'll allow the indulgence please let me tell you a few things about me.

Firstly, my name is Duncan. I haven't been diagnosed as Asperger's but I exhibit many of the traits.

I always thought I was just 'shy' but I have always had an incredibly tough time with social anxiety to the point where I avoid all social situations due to a feeling of over-exposure. This ranges from dreaded parties, pubs, and clubs, but most importantly, jobs. As soon as I've got one I'm looking to get out of it and will do almost anything to that end (the dreaded Christmas parties when you're EXPECTED to attend.....aaaargh!) I trained as a physiotherapist but such was my anxiety when I was dealing with my peers and seniors I just couldn't function professionally so I bailed out before I made any horrendous mistakes. 3 years training at Uni and I lasted barely a year in the big world.

My main obsession has always been music, both listening and playing. My ear for music was with me before I could talk. Oddly, all my friends I met through music. Thats the only link I trusted because music was the only thing I was sure of. I have made a living from it in the past but the music business and relationships do not dovetail well. (I stopped playing in order to 'do the right thing' and get married - big mistake).

The things I loved as a child, such as aircraft, trains, motorbikes, colours etc I still really love now.

Academically I have no problems. I have attended University twice and could easily be the eternal student and I feel as if there is no course I couldn't pass. Do lots of you feel that way too?

My memory for places, people and the past is excellent and never lets me down but can I find the screwdriver I just put down? No, I left it in the kitchen when I went to make a cup of tea and I'll find it in an hour or so. Sometimes my best friend is a list

I have a string of failed relationships behind me with 'poor communication' often cited as a major factor. I've always found rejection very hard to take and the sense of grief can be overwhelming(when my first girlfriend finished with me I cried more than when my dad died).
I'm divorced with two young sons one of whom is Autistic. I'm single now and don't see the prospects for another relationship as all that bright. I'm quite happy on my own, I am very resilient and independent but I miss all the good things that come with a loving relationship. Ho hum....

Eye contact has always been very intimidating and difficult for me, its as if a person's eyes are physically penetrating my defences and I am forced to look away.

As a younger person I was incredibly anxious and wound tight like a spring. Any internalised anger would never be externalised through physical violence but I had a very bad temper which was very difficult to control. This brought me into conflict a lot so, together with my anxiety this meant I was pretty much excluded from the close friendships I envied and admired from a distance. I always wanted to have lots of friends, I just didn't know how to interact in order to get friendships. Hugely frustrating, mixed with feelings of humiliation and sadness. Fortunately I was happy in my own company. My musical chums are exactly the same. Funny that eh?

This might seem a bit strange but I feel as if I've been living in a slightly altered version of 'reality' for my entire life. The way I see and feel things does not appear to tally with 'normality'. Its a bit like living inside a bubble where all your sensory perspectives are slightly skewed. I call it my 'tube'. I would love to hear from anyone who has similar experiences.

I've tried anti-depressants but apart from feeling dizzy I didn't feel any noticeable differences in my attitude or manner.

I recently sought psychotherapy as a means to helping me resolve my social anxiety and putting right what I felt to be 'wrong'. I'm not sure how much it can help me but having someone to talk to about anxiety and its mechanisms has reaffirmed what I suspected - that there is something about me which is different from what you'd call NT's. All I know is that I have a lot of the traits of Asperger's syndrome; my youngest child is autistic, and my eldest son whilst not autistic is clumsy, unco-ordinated, and anxious but very bright with a vocabulary which constantly amazes me. My ex-wife's eldest son (by a previous relationship) has Asperger's syndrome, and her father was borderline Aspergers as well! The mechanisms of human relationships and what governs the laws of attraction never cease to amaze me.....

As you may have noticed I have a lot to say but hopefully I'm saying it to the right people. Thanks for reading.

Welcome!

Nice intro...welcome to the madhouse

Welcome, Duncan!

I can relate to your feelings about the workplace. When I worked outside the home, I always thought that being a temporary worker would be the perfect solution to my social awkwardness. In my permanent job, I had problems with things like "down time." I always seemed to be the person wandering around looking for a group who would let me join their discussion. I thought that if I were only The Temp, then it wouldn't seem so obvious to everyone why I didn't fit in. It would have been easier to be The New Girl, rather than the backward misfit.

In your line of work, are there any traveling positions? I wonder if that would help you stay with a company longer.

My husband recently changed jobs. I was so relieved to know that we wouldn't have to make another excuse to get out of the company Christmas party this year.

I force myself to make eye contact, but I always dread seeing the look in their eyes that says, "What's wrong with her?"

I'm glad you were able to find friends with a mutual interest in music.

hi duncan...music is a nifty thing...I'm a conservatory student, so I'm generally a fan^.^ do you play an instrument?

Welcome to WP!

Tim

lol Another of my twins

I've been to two universities, I feel I could pass any course if I wanted to. I've never seen anything I couldn't learn easily or get my head around and my favourite subjects were programming, maths & chemistry which are not the easiest of subjects to other people. I never got below 70% on a university exam and I hardly did any work. Yet I didn't finish either the pharmacy or software engineering course. I have fantastic learning ability, but I'm like you, if I put a pen down I can't find it again and I go mad.

I've got a thread in this forum, I joined recently, if you read it you will see I have lots of similarities to you. However, I done the Aspie test and I score half neurotypical half aspie whereas I think the people diagnosed are scoring massively into the Aspie part and almost nothing in the neurotypical.

Anyway, welcome to the site mate

Hi, Duncan!