Hello, everyone !

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Hello, everyone !

I just got (partially)diagnosed. I am a French gal, a struggling student, and I also happen to be deaf.

I am specifying my French background to account for the quirks of my writing. My English is rusty and I lack practice, but I promise I will try my  best to be intelligible.
I also state that because the French culture of Asperger's diagnosis  -as far as I can tell- quite different from the American diagnosis culture. I am only partially diagnosed because the diagnosis is over here a two-fold process.
Plus, in my otherwhise perfect (sic) country, as some of you may be aware, psychoanalysis is still considered the prime authority and clinical approach on many mental conditions. So, like many around here, I guess, I was not only bounced around by doctors, but I have a somewhat eerie experience to share, should it interest some amongst you.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I am torn between two contradictory emotions: relief and depression. I am indeed relieved that things finally make sense. It greatly comforts me to look back on my life not as a chaotic mayhem but as something that be accounted for, so to say. I am also relieved when I read all these men and women that depict their lives as Aspies: I feel less of an alien and they are people I can finally relate to.

Yet, and even though I was already depressed, I am even more depressed; my problems seemed to have turned into inescapable problems. I feel like I keep getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop and I am exhausted, even though I am in my twenties. Plus, most people around me would not believe me about my diagnosis ou would vanish even more. Furthermore, neither am I in a position that would allow me to come out as an Aspie, nor can I trust most people I know.

I am sorry for pouring out my heart ar such lengths but it feels like the first time I can speak for myself, and truthfully.  I am aware I am likely not the only one here, unfortunately, to be caught in such predicaments and I would be happy to lend my ear to other people in my situation and try and comfort them, even though solace is not my strong suit.

On the bright side, I am, really deep down, an optimistic person and I like to be of service to people. For instance, it may be quaint, but I know a few things about my country, so I will be happy to speak to you about it, should it interest someone.

I hope we will get along,
Cheers !

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you have a good time here.

Thanks, Mikeman 7918

Welcome, your english seems magnifique! I understand what it is like being torn between those two emotions, hopefully over time you will reach the centre of the two emotions and they will melt into a calmer and kinder feeling.

Welcome to WP! Your English is great.

Hey LaMereLoi welcome.

Thank you, DancingCorpse for the compliment and the comforting words. It is real time heals things but it never feels like it at the beginning.

Thanks and thanks for the compliment

Thank you !

Hi & welcome.

Your responses to the diagnosis are understandable. Give yourself time to get used to the new knowledge.

One question. Is it personal difficulty with aspects of Aspergers that bother you (or put another way the internal wrestling with the condition) or how it affects your interaction/relationship with others?

Both, actually.

I will begin with the way it affects my relationship with others.
I am almost always pretending and I am not even very good at it. But, as a result, most people do not know me, even the people I am the most true to. And I am keeping myself under such pressure, all the time. So, either, I generally end up by doing something -speaking my real mind- that burns bridge when people cross a line, or I do something they are not expecting: I melt down and throw a temper tantrum or I have an emotional meltdown - when I really cry, it is a bit like seeing a wounded animal that would try and bite your hand off. Obviously, not only people are very surprised, but they vanish.
So, I never confess my emotions, for fear of being misunderstood or making people blue. I am depressed because I am sickened that people generally can't handle the real me. I am not always depressing, I am more or less a sarcastic teddy bear. I am sickened to be terrified of people, of interacting with people, and of being misunderstood. My acceptable personas are sometimes successful and fun but they are not me.
Even my own mother does not know about 75% of my life and my feelings, because, when I tell the truth, she just can't handle it, even though she loves me deeply.


I am not struggling with accepting to have Asperger's. I always knew, even as a child, that something was off with me. Plus, I am used to receive what can be considered bad news - I am not saying my diagnosis is bad news-, not to be dramatic, but I was told when I was eight years old I was not only severely deaf, but also bore another incurable disease. So, I have come to terms with that kind of news.
But I don't know how I will keep going on. I feel like I just got overburdened. I am internally exhausted. Plus I have regressed, my problems start resurfacing- for instance, I have a hard time maintaining eye contact, a thing that took me years to learn and stand-. I am just thinking "Oh my god, it makes sense, finally, and, oh merde, I am just trapped in that situation". I know they are things you can work on, but I feel like I have neither the will nor the energy left for a lifelong situation.


Edit: I am sorry if it is not a very cheerful answer. I do not want to make anybody depressed.

LaMereLoi,

After 4 years on Aspie forums I am used to hearing bad news, as you put it. These places aren't like benches in the park on sunny days. More like casualty collection shelters. You certainly do have more then your fair share of burdens. But something tells me you don't belong in the hopeless tent.

Yes, what people often refer to as 'Wearing the Mask' is tiring and problematic. But a useful, sometimes very necessary skill. Personally I find the greater the difference between my real persona and the public one I am using, the harder it is to maintain. I tried to bring the two together slowly over time therefore. But it only really works with long term stable social settings, like people you work with, or are part of the same group. It requires less effort then, if you can be closer to the real you and maybe causes less internal stress. It sounds like that is what is making the blow ups more intense, the built up pressure.

Things tend to go in cycles, highs followed by lows, repeat. And then there is the overall trend. Self knowledge and understanding can be extremely powerful and counter many negative factors. Learning what HFA is and how it functions can be the basis of insights and improvements in your life. The trend is not predetermined downward. It hopefully will level off and then you can start a slow gradual ascent. The 'slow' part is pretty universal. Not many quick fixes in Aspieland.

Do allow yourself time to assimilate this new knowledge. If you were like me, it's also a shock to find out that you are not just this unique and different individual, and some elements of autism are like a hidden puppeteer, steering you in predictable ways. But I say steering, not controlling. Another personal useful insight for me is learning to discern when it is just me driving the boat, or the Aspergers taking me for a spin. Some parts of Aspergers can be good, can be enhancing in life. Some can be negative or even destructive. Monitoring this, keeping things in check does require effort, but requires less effort, I believe in the long run by avoiding problems and negative feelings caused by unfettered negative tendencies.

Just my take on it. 100 Aspies will have 100 at least somewhat different opinions.

Thank you for that kind word.



Yeah, I finally figured that part out -I used to "burn" places pretty quickly and move on to the next one;but I still need to figure out how to soften the itch to leave that I still get.It also seems that my persona-for-people-who-like- me is still pretty intense and confusing: I love many different things and people, when they see this side of me, just call me "une drôle de fille", "an odd bird".



I have been reading (Grandin, Atwood, Rudy Simone, Lianne Holliday) but I am looking for more books or different books, I don't know. Can you recommend anything or another approach ?



Oh,my; just what I felt; I already had problems feeling a distinctive identity; as I put it for my best friend -who is an Aspie as well- "I know I am me, and not someone else, but I can hardly feel it-. I am struggling with the idea some things I thought were "me" are actually manifestations of Asperger's. I still have problems to distinguish between the steering and the "me core". How do you distinguish it ?

I do believe in monitoring; that's how I got way less angry, before being diagnosed. But thanks for reminding me that, it's a great piece of advice, notwithstanding.

Well, it is a take and I feel better for having read you, so thanks