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Hello, my name is Jesse.

Lately I've been going through troubled times, both internally and externally. But my life in general has been an interesting experience. In my childhood I knew I was different from other kids. I was so fascinated by science and art, and was surprised others didn't share my joy. I would cry the most out of my peers in elementary. I never got along with anyone, I was just the weird, quiet, fat kid. I've grown a long way since then, but the years of conditioning that my brain had been exposed to hasn't quite left.

Today, depression has left me with unfinished daily goals, and with memories of awkward conversations. With my brain, life seems too overwhelming.

I love movies, especially animated ones. A few months ago I watched "Mary and Max" with my girlfriend, and that's when I really learned what Asperger's was. Of course I had heard of it before, but I only ever knew it as "the thing that Steve Urkel has". I couldn't help but stare in shock/awe/disgust as I noticed a lot of my behavior being reflected by Max.

I began research, and coincidentally my mother (who owns a daycare center) attended a few seminars on Autism Spectrum Disorder/Asperger's in the past months, and she herself had researched and told me about it as well. I've taken 1 test that said I'm on the borderline between having it and not, so I'm here to ask if any experts can see if I really am in that situation.

My mother said that aspies have a higher-than-average intelligence, and I would think that I do, but only because I have an uncontrollable desire to learn as much as I can about everything. I love science and understand the value of logic and reason. I love music and music theory, and I would say I'm obsessed with pop music and how it has evolved over the years, studying lists and rankings. I'm pretty much very interested in the evolution of everything, from technology to society to human evolution.

I'm a perfectionist. On everything I work on, I'm always thinking of the right formula to use so as to catch people's attention with it. I fantasize about getting it just right, so it'll resonate with others and get them to be interested in me.

I want to be able to communicate with other people; I've missed out on getting friendly with lots of cool and interesting peers, and I believe it's because I just never had opportunities to socialize as a kid, therefore it's because I simply don't know how. There are some people that I speak to normally, but it only depends on how that person speaks to me, which determines how comfortable I am with that person. But any hint of being judged ironically makes me act/speak in a way that would get judged poorly, which is incredibly frustrating. And it sucks knowing that it's neither of our fault.

But who's fault is it? I would say my parents' constant scolding, or being raised in a socially-awkward ghetto where ignorant children think it's okay to taunt another because the opportunity arose. And it seems to have become a snowball effect. How many more people will I alienate.

Now all I'm doing is mostly being at home, learning and reading and practicing piano, cooking food for my vegan self cause no one else can, working out, and being anxious if any of it is worth all the perceived effort.

I apologize if any guidelines were crossed.

It's a posibility that you have Asperger's but I wouldn't bet on it, I'm no expert though.

My friend and my brother both have many of the traits you described and they both took tests that said that they were near the border, but I don't think either of them could get a diagnosis because it doesn't seem to be disabling for them (at least for my brother, I'm not as sure about my friend). You might want to look up the Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnostic criteria and see how well you fit it.

Hi Jesse, It's nice to meet you. I have not heard of the movie Mary and Max, but now I'm going to look for it, thanks for mentioning it. I recently did some binge watching on Netflix and watched the "Parenthood" series which portrays a family with a son who has Asperger's and I recognized a lot of myself in that portrayal. Later in the series, an adult is introduced to the child who has Asperger's and the adult realizes he has Asperger's. Anyway... I just wanted to say hi and that I'm glad you joined us.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hey Jesse welcome.

You should read other people's stories online as well as posts on here to actually see if you do or not. Best way for you to find out.

Speaking of Parenthood I've never actually watched it but it was always playing in the background when my partner at the time would watch it. She loved that show and that's when I first heard about Asperger since the character Max had it. I remember thinking to myself what the f*ck is Asperger?! That's a dumb name they should have picked a better name for it .
Almost a year later I found out I was Aspie lol now I wish I had actually watched and paid attention to the show cause I probably would have found out about me being an Aspie a lot earlier. Did they actually do a good portrayal of Aspergers in the show?

Thanks everyone. I apologize for the somber tone of my original post. I was going through a bit of deppression that night after speaking with my gf.

I also wanted to mention that I most likely have Selective Mutism, which highly correlates with social anxiety, which I probably feel like having at times. It's very confusing and frustrating to have to deal with, as it gets in the way of accomplishing my goals.

Welcome to WP! What are your favourite singers/bands?

Thank you.
Oh there's just too many.
Favorite singers... Sam Cooke, John Lennon, Robert Plant, Marvin Gaye, Patti Smith, Lou Reed, Horace Andy, Elvis, Dusty Springfield, Chris Cornell, David Bowie, Buddy Holly, Ozzy (Sabbath), Iggy Pop, Janis Joplin, Sly Stone, Brian Wilson, Tricky

Bands/Artists: Massive Attack, Beatles, Beck, Poe, Marvin Gaye, Tricky, Portishead, Velvet Underground, Patti Smith, Elvis, David Bowie, Black Sabbath, Beach Boys, Sly Stone, Led Zeppelin, St. Vincent, Ray Charles, PJ Harvey, Kanye West, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Iggy Pop, Garbage, Zappa/Mothers

These are the things I listen to most of the time. I don't find myself liking modern things that often, but that doesn't mean there isn't anything modern that I like.

Gematron, I thought Parenthood did a good portrayal of the boy's struggles in grade school and later in high school when he first was interested in having a girl as a friend. The mom in the show was a great example of being an advocate for her son because without her as an advocate, the boy would have just slipped through the cracks in the public school system. If you ever get the chance to watch it, I'd recommend it. But there are many other families and kids in the show with their own unique struggles, so the boy with Asperger's is just part of the larger story going on.

@ OP: I too may also have Selective Mutism, given that I try to avoid social situations whenever I can. I often get told off by my mom and/or my sister whenever this happens despite them being aware of the existence of Selective Mutism.