Long story but I need help

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Hey guys, im new here.
Warning, this is gonna be a long story I think, but whoever will read it, thanks a lot. I have a feeling just writing this, will already make me feel better.
Anyways, here we go.

I am a 19 year old guy from the Netherlands. When I was little, I would say I had a bright future ahead of me. I was very clever, witty, studious, funny, happy, good-looking and I grew up in a warm, happy, financialy stable family, etc. I was one of the cool kids in school as well. I had dreams of becoming a lawyer, or a professional football player. Everything seemed to be perfect back then. What else could you possibly want?

This continued pretty much until I hit puberty. I started losing interest in things I used to love, such as reading, and I started to become less and less outgoing and more and more shy. I was not motivated anymore for school work, but I still managed to pass all exams since I was far more clever than all other kids. I didn't play outside as much as I used to and started playing video games more often. I started to become a lot more insecure about myself. Moreover, everyone else seemed to be able to interact with girls very easily but I was way too shy for that. People started going out and stuff, but again, I was way too shy for that. Fast forward a couple of years and I barely graduated from secondary school, still without any effort.

Let's look at my life now: I'm getting poor grades in university and even though I always tell myself to start working harder, I always procrastinate and in the end I just don't do anything at all. I am used to not having to do anything with regards to school and right now, I should be working my butt off but i just can't.
My childhood friends still think it's weird I don't want to go out with them, I have never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or even held a girl's hand. I am unhappy about myself. I wish I could be the witty, clever, funny, outgoing boy I was growing up. I wish I performed well in school. I really want to make something from my life but in the end I just play games or stay in bed. I am ashamed of myself but yet I don't have the courage/energy/will to make a change. I kind of feel like I have a depression. And to make it all worse, 1 month ago I found out I have asperger's.

On one hand, it is a good thing I only found out about it now. I had a perfect childhood, without any problems, being able to do anything I wanted, with the best parents ever, etc. On the other hand, it is kinda sad to only find out now about why I have always been so different from everybody else.

I wonder why I used to be so outgoing as a child, and why I was so motivated to study and stuff, because I have lost all of those traits. Kinda weird tho, because I have had asperger's all my f*****g life....

I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a failure, I would love to change, but I feel like I can't, because I'm a f*****g aspie. I wish I could be normal, and I am very unhappy at the moment. I don't know what to do with my life. I seem to not be motivated to do anything, things i used to love aren't fun anymore, and friends probably think I'm weird as f**k.

Btw, I am undiagnosed, but I am certain I have aspergers. I have told my parents but I haven't told anyone else.
I would love to be succesful, have a girlfriend, but at the moment, all of that is an illusion.

Thank you, even if theres only 1 person who has read this, for reading through this wall of text.
I'm dutch so sorry for some English mistakes I might've made throughout this wall of text.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Edit: Oh, and I recently found out that multiple girls were actually in love with me, I was just too stupid to pick up on their signs. Fml.

Edit 2: Oh, and to make it even worse. I am now even more awkward because i am desperately trying to fit in and camouflage the fact that i have aspergers. I am starting to wonder, do other people notice i am weird? they probably do, because i am the most awkward person to have a conversation with, ever. Plus, i have the weirdest walk in human history. I really hate myself.

Edit 3: Oh, btw, Idk if this is the correct thread/subforum to post this in, but tbh I don't know where else to put it.



again, thanks a lot for helping me, im desperate.

Hey Freshperger welcome.

Thanks

I would like to add that it frustrates me incredibly much that girls always seem to think i am attractive, but as soon as I start talking to them they are not interested anymore. I know I could be a great boyfriend, but I am way too awkward I guess. Why is life so unfair.


Edit: Im sorry for doing this, but I keep adding things because i keep forgetting things. I want to add that I would like to get a diagnosis but at the same time I am also scared of a diagnosis. And I am also scared people will find out.

Edit 9000: It doesn't help i obsess over girls way too much. They are just so cute... which makes me even more nervous when talking to them. By the way, I know i have only been complaining until now, but I don't have a clue how I can be happy again... Has anyone ever experienced anything similaR?

Edit 9001: Uhm I noticed there's a forum called Adolescent Autism Forum, may be I should delete this thread and post there? I don't know.

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