Hello, with questions

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Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I'm 42 and have had issues with relating with others my whole life. I didn't date until university and not all that successfully then. Although I always had friends around at school and work, I would rarely be social with them after hours. I've always been awkward, and really quite clueless when it comes to dealing with other people.

About a decade ago, I got very depressed and got referred to a therapist whom I spent about 6 years with between individual and group therapy. She helped me greatly but never were the words Asperger's or autism mentioned. Still, I was helped enough that I was able to get into a relationship with a terrific woman whom I've now been married to for six years, and we have three year old (next week!) twins together.

Having the kids has been a huge source of stress for me, although I love them dearly, as they have changed everything, and I haven't always dealt with things well. Over the past year, I've come to realize that I probably have Asperger's. It started when my wife mentioned that our pediatrician had asked her if I was autistic. I was also a fan of The Big Bang Theory and reading about Sheldon's likely Aspergers also introduced me to the concept. Since then, I've done some of the online tests (the Wired and aspie-quiz ones) and come out positive on both.

I've been doing more reading about it. I'm working through "Autism from the Inside Out" now and finding huge meaning in there for me. My big question now is on my next steps. Should I simply accept my self-diagnosis and move forward with it, perhaps getting into a support group, or is their value in getting a formal diagnosis? Any thoughts are welcome, and any help appreciated.

I do have to say that I love the name of this board; I definitely feel like an alien visiting this planet sometimes.

David

Welcome to WP!

Hey dwh, welcome to WP.

I too have had confusing social issues my whole life. I "knew" people around me, but never closely, and have always had problems relating to others. Etc etc.

I'm 35 now, and first found out about AS when I was ... I guess 30 or thereabouts. I was never formally diagnosed, but AS explained just about every social problem I've ever had, including severe depression/anxiety since my teenage years (my parents tried to punish my AS traits out of me). For about two years after determining I most likely had AS, I spent a great deal of time fixating on it, mainly because I wanted to know if there were more answers and meanings to be squeezed from it. Eventually though I've stopped seeing myself as autistic, and more as just me. Today I accept that I am different, and no longer feel compelled to do what's socially acceptable, so my AS self-diagnosis has been a tremendous help in improving the quality of my life.

A few years ago I asked my GP if I could get a formal diagnosis, and she was opposed to the idea for two reasons. The first is that in adults, especially those not severely affected, it can be quite difficult to diagnose. The second is that a formal diagnosis can affect all sorts of things like insurance, depending on where you live. I for an example am an immigrant in Denmark, and the Danish medical system is very reluctant to take on "burdened foreigners". As she pointed out, as long as I can function, I should just leave it as is. Seeing as I manage to hold down a job and am married, though both took a huge amount of effort, I guess this is functional.

If you can get a diagnosis, that's great. If not, it's probably not worth making a big deal about. See if the idea of AS takes the pressure off you in places you've always felt choked. If you can optimize your life around who _you_ are, then you have gotten your full medicinal value. My two cents.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Hello David!

I have searched a long time for the meaning of why i was so different. Ever since i was a young teen! I've needed an explanation for why i am what i am.
Dr's kept rejecting my worries, stating that " Oh it's just you" Blah blah! That didn't help. Finally i saw a head of a practice who immediately spotted my severe anxiety disorder. So i was sent to see this woman about it. Now just after my first to meetings with her my father recorded a program on TV about a guy With Aspergers. It was too much of a similarity. So i did some of those online tests and got an high score online. I then talked to the woman who was treating me for anxiety about it. What a surprise i had. Cos she was knowledgeable in the field of AS and was licensed to diagnose.
The downside was, it wasnt easy to get diagnosed! It took over a year to be declared with AS!
Having AS explained a lot. At first i felt justified. I had found the results that i had been searching for for so long. Then it dawned on me that now, yes, i truly am different. It's not something that i can just not be, like everyone thought!
Because i live in Australia i've been given a pension due to this disability which has made living a lot easier!
David, If you decide to go with the diagnosis you can get a lot of help and support like in your depression support/therapy groups! Depending on where you live and your circumstances you may even get financial support. Many doors may open with a diagnosis!
If you don't get diagnosed you might wonder for the rest of your life "Do i really have AS?"
Ask yourself this: Do you want to know for certain that you have it?

Welcome to the wrong Planet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Thanks for the welcomes, everyone.

I'm still on the fence a bit about getting a diagnosis, but there is a part of me that would like to know for sure. I have a doctor visit coming up soon so I'll probably end raising the issue with her then.

Already I'm finding that accepting that I'm probably an aspie is helping me. I'm more able to accept myself for what I am. I am spending a lot of time going through my past and seeing places where it affected me.

Hello and welcome. As for your questions...

I think that is the most important thing. Everything else... should I get a diagnosis, should I not... it all perhaps hinges on what you would like from it, what you can gain and what you can lose. Really, it is a highly personal decision.

I ended up getting one even though I am sure that I know more about Aspergers than all I have dealt with except my first therapist who brought it to my attention last summer. I knew when I started looking into it, that my therapist was on to something. It fit me... it made sense... But still, I wanted something concrete and I appreciate having it. It did not hurt me or force impositions onto my life though. I have no restrictions, in fact I have something that can benefit me; for example, I am in school again and my diagnosis helps my professors understand certain things about me. I do need special accommodations in some cases and it helps promote understanding on all sides.

Anyway it goes, and whatever you opt to do, I am glad you found this site and hope you enjoy your stay here.

I can't tell you about the usefulness of getting a diagnosis, since I never bothered to get one, but knowing about Asperger's and Autism will be crucial for you and your wife and your children. This is not a get out of jail free card (a metaphor from the game Monopoly) for you. This is where you can learn how you accidentally hurt those you love and find ways to work around it. This is where they can understand, and where you can purposefully go outside your comfort zone to find ways to accommodate their different emotional needs.
For example, I really don't need all that hugging and kissing and body contact my husband gives me. But his love language is touch (mine is giving gifts, including information) and so I let him do all he wants and even try to remember to reciprocate because that is what he interprets as love. He doesn't feel loved when I tell him something I find interesting. He feels loved when I touch him. So I touch him a hundred times more than I find necessary because he ought to have some rewards in life. I accommodate his needs because I do love him but I need to show him that in ways he understands.

Leilia, you've hit the nail on the head. Making sure that this isn't just a "get of of jail free" card on my part is a very real concern to me. I want to be sure that I'm not just convincing myself I have AS as an excuse.

Having said that, so far it feels right to me. I read this forum and I read the book I'm reading, and I keep feeling that I'm reading my story, or something close to it. I think ultimately my decision on whether to get a diagnosis will come down to whether I feel sure about having AS.

One big goal for me in all this is learning better ways of dealing with stress from my children, like the effects of toddler meltdowns, which I find very emotionally hard on me. I have a big problem with being stubborn and not taking breaks (e.g. letting my wife handle them) in those situations, because I want to help, and that can lead to me having meltdowns of my own.

Hello David, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Hello my name is Chuck. I am 58 years old. I always knew I was different from everyone else and did not know why. I know I hated being touched. I don't like to around crowds of people. I like to be quiet and left alone. It was only about 4 years ago I went to a therapist who said I was a savant. This year I moved to California and went to a therapist here who after a few weeks of sessions diagnosed me with Asperger's disease with some savant. Wow did that explain a lot except. I wanted to know why my mother did not recognize this. So I phoned her and asked. She said as a baby she could not hold me without me crying. I only stopped when she put me down and left me alone. To make matters worse my late father could not except I was different. He beat me until I bled which led to me stuttering really bad. I have been able to control my stuttering for the most part. I did marry because I thought I was expected of me to. I even had 3 children because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I feel bad now that I did not know I had Asperger's disease early on. Then I could of explained to my children why I did not like holding them. I could told my wife why I did not like snuggle and hug. My new wife understands it all now and had excepted it. Well that is my story. Funny I told my therapist on the first visit that I did not think I belonged on this planet. I told her I think I was made of more star dust than other humans. Just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. Chuck

Welcome to the WP!

I can totally relate to your situation. In early May my 6 yr. old son was Dx'ed. Then I started reading about AS, and I about fell apart. Like you, I felt like I was reading my own story. At 43, looking at my life in retrospect, AS is the only thing that I have come across that allows for and explains ALL of the challenges along the way. I am currently seeking out formal dx so that I will know for sure. There are a lot of pros and cons that come with it, but in the end it feels like the right thing to do at this time. I am, I'm me regardless. I think for me it will allow me to come to a healthier resting place of why I am the way I am. (I think I'm a great guy, my struggle has been why the rest of the world doesn't get that) The work ahead remains the same, if not even more challenging because my son is on the spectrum and I feel this is added pressure to help him avoid some of the pitfalls that I dealt/deal with. It is a lot to take in. Know that dx'ed, self-dx'ed, I think you'll be in good company here on the WP. I have only been coming for a few weeks and have gained some good insights already. All the best and Kind Regards.