To Come Out of the Asperger's Closet?

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I was diagnosed with Asperger's (ASD, Severity Level 1) about nine months ago, and I still am struggling with how I should apply this news to my life.

I'm turning 35 later this year. I have been married for almost five years, and I have been working as a children's librarian (a male children's librarian, which apparently there aren't that many of) for three years.

I struggle with whether I should start to be completely open about my diagnosis, or not, or something in between. I question whether it would have been better for me to know about my Asperger's from childhood, or at least since I went off to college. Likely, it would have been better to know all along, so that my strengths and my limitations could be better understood. (I felt like a smart kid who just couldn't put it together.) But perhaps it wouldn't have; maybe I would have been negatively affected by having a "label," by being categorized as someone who could use special services.

I think my mere existence: as someone who went to a good college, who has always been able to hold a job, and who now works with kids in what is (contrary to popular belief) a very socially demanding job, could be a positive example. There is so much stuff out there about Asperger's that is simply crap. If you did research online, you would likely conclude that someone with Asperger's probably won't have a full-time steady job, probably won't get married, and that if they do get a job, it has to be in a non-social environment and focused on one of their special interests. EvenLook Me in the Eye reinforces this to a small extent, when John Elder Robison credits his special interests with his work successes.

I also wonder, however, if I would suffer as a result of being out in the open. While I have a tremendous amount of job security as a civil service employee, would it make it more difficult for me to find a job at a different library in the future? Or to be anything more than an entry-level librarian?

I attended an Asperger's support groups several months ago, and was astounded that when I raised this question, one of the therapists facilitating the group essentially told me that there is no reason to be honest unless I am looking for special accommodation. I felt a great deal of condescension in this response, although I'm also aware that sometimes I have difficulty accurately reading others' responses to me. I felt as if this therapist was giving "scared" advice.

I want to be out there, also, because I think that different people need to be moving the conversation about Asperger's. I often see representations in the media that I dislike. (The promotion of the book "Love that Boy" by the political correspondent author's friends in the media was one example. While I haven't read the book, it sounded for me like this man was selling a book about how his son's Asperger's is hard for him because he wanted a boy who was sporty like him. My wife actually turned to me and told me that I should start writing, so that people like this don't control the conversation.) But I have a tremendous confidence barrier. Maybe it is because I believe that I've gotten where I am by "faking it." Perhaps I fear that if I came out about my Asperger's, it would be a slippery slope where my demons - anxiety, anger, meltdowns, etc. - would come out as well. Or maybe it's because I always struggle to put words to paper (keyboard) whenever I sit down to write about this.

I'd be curious to hear from others who have struggled with this same question, or from anyone at all for that matter. Thanks for listening.

Hey Tron81 welcome.

I don't see how you would need to bring up being on the spectrum, in every day life. You seem to be doing well, so far (marriage, children, steady job), as is. Of course, having a diagnosis earlier on may have helped you understand certain things about yourself a little better, I don't believe that it would have changed anything, really. Not everyone on the spectrum requires special services, just like some actually do need the extra help.



Just because someone's experience with an ASD can differ from yours, does not mean that the information you come across is 'crap.' You have to understand that everyone experiences autism differently. I am on the spectrum, and I find it difficult to even leave the house (because of all the sensory stimulation). This, in turn, actually makes it quite difficult for me to hold onto a job (which can be incredibly demoralising/depressing). I am happy that, for you, this is not so. You are very lucky!



If your ASD does not negatively affect your work performance, or your relationships, I do not believe that it would be necessary to be so open with the fact that you have Asperger's. From what I have witnessed, not many people have an understanding about the spectrum. If you wish to spread the word about autism, however, or how you experience the world around you... then, perhaps, starting a blog would be a great start. I am sure there are plenty of Aspies who would find it encouraging to read about others on the spectrum that are leading successful/happy lives.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

To Birdcloak,

Thanks for your reply!

I think some of the things I said in my email may have come out differently than I had intended them. I was saying that my life functions "on paper." That doesn't mean I haven't had and continued to have serious challenges. I've had a tremendous amount of difficulty with relationships, especially with my marriage. I have been in therapy almost continuously for the last 9 years, including things like anger management, DBT, etc. At some of my more distressed points, I easily could have done something bad that wouldn't have made me able to pass a background check and do the kind of work that I do.

The reason I labeled some of the things out there about Asperger's as "crap" is that I think it's limiting. I don't mean to diminish at all the kinds of challenges that you experience, i.e. what you described with sensory issues. Yes, it should be out there that many people with Asperger's struggle to hold work, and when they do work it is often in non-social settings or in something tied to a special interest. But I'm just not comfortable with limits being placed - with people being told in their formative years that they can only succeed by following a narrow path.

Does my ASD affect my work performance? I guess that's a tough question to answer, because I am the person who I am because of having ASD. If I was a different person with a different mind, perhaps I never would have been drawn to work as a children's librarian. There is no clear-cut expectation of my job that I'm unable to meet, however, so I wouldn't be bringing it up so they could go easier on me. I'd be bringing it up because I want to be authentic, and I know that at some point there would be some child who was helped by the fact that I was out in the open about this - either because that child could feel more comfortable around me, or because I could have an added degree of credibility if I was to say to someone that their child reminds me of how I was.

100%, ASD affects my relationships besides my marriage - I've always struggled to have friends, and I've always felt like something of an "outsider" or "sidekick" when I've been around social groups. I don't know if revealing an ASD diagnosis would cement any current relationships - maybe it would help me to heal with people I've wronged, and maybe it wouldn't. I'm not really sure. But socially, I haven't really gotten anywhere by being in the closet...

With your suggestion of starting a blog, are you suggesting an anonymous blog?

Thanks!

welcome to WP! (have i been a member long enough to be able to welcome people? who knows)

i actually haven't thought about the whole thing, i mean, will i have to tell employers? its interesting though, as it does effect relationships in both negative and positive ways .

like a guy in high school, we were friends for a while, until he worked out the whole aspie thing, and from that point on, he didn't like me at all anymore, this can be positive, because it allowed me to see that he was an awful person afterall.

in a direct positive way though, a guy bullied me for a while, until i told him about it, then he understood...and stopped.

so it goes two different ways really with no way to know which one it does go.