But I'm here!
Hi. I'm new here. I really accepted (because the signs were all there before) about 6 months ago that my 4 year old may have ASD. I began reading about it in earnest, because I didn't know a darn thing about it. In doing so, it became overwhelmingly obvious that I have been living with ASD for the last 31 years. He was diagnosed one month ago using ADOS.
I was always "weird", a "loner", a "bookworm", and a "tiny professor". Dad used to say I was "book smart and life dumb." I recognized, even at 6, that my obsessive compulsive tendencies were abnormal. I didn't enjoy HAVING to count the cracks in the sidewalk, or count how many times I had touched the pads of my fingers, or not being able to stop saying "______" to my dad, no matter how many times he hit me. I was IQ tested at 8, and the results led everyone to believe that my IQ is what made me so "quirky". I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse, and so then it was "my bad heart" that led me to bob, rock, bounce my legs, and pace constantly (according to everyone). I was just acting out when I would bury myself under my blankets and bash my head into the wall when I was overwhelmed. I'm from the ghetto, and my siblings grew up street wise, but it was just accepted that I "didn't get it." I was prey.
I feel like one of the "Chameleon" aspies. I read so much, and my AI is so sophisticated, I can definitely fake the patterns enough to seem NT. I made a new friend who told me she thought I was "so together". HAHAHAH! I read that there are AI programs sophisticated enough to predict, with great accuracy, when characters on tv are going to kiss, hug, high 5, etc. I feel like that computer program. I think that people assume I'm NT because my brain recognizes people patterns faster than I can comprehend them.
I don't have many friends, and haven't been able to keep the one's I make. I am so. Freakin'. Lonely. At least I find GREAT comfort in thinking about ASD. It certainly wraps up my whole life in a neat bow. The uncontrollable stimming, the inability to read social cues, the obsessions (right now ASD and yarn... I really like yarn... and clothing construction), the inability to make appropriate eye contact, the literal stuff as a kid...
I told a friend recently that recognizing I have ASD, this late, is like having someone tell you you're purple. And you say, "I'm not purple," and as you extend your arm to look and confirm, you realize, "OMG?! I'm PURPLE?! !!" and then it's all you can see for days. Months. Every time you shake hands, "I'm purple!", every time you pick up the phone, "I'm purple!", pay at the store, etc... And I'm purple. It's not bad, just weird. And I keep wondering how the people around me missed it. My husband says, "it's because you were never purple. You were such a magical, unknown rainbow, not you nor anyone else knew what it was, so how could you recognize it, let alone describe it?"
22 Sep 2016, 4:09 am
