kia ora new, unsure and overwhelmed.

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Heya to everyone!
I've been reading this forum with great interest over the last couple of weeks and am ready for introductions.
So I'm IXeve, 33 F living in New Zealand and suspect that I may indeed be Aspie/HFA, OCD, anxiety, something. Gonna lay it all out.

I remember being an odd child as I grew up, a horribly awkward teenager, somehow I morphed into a 'normal' functioning member of society; Job, Car, Home, Daughter, with some relationship experience at least. But I never really felt like I fit in at any stage of my life, whether it be family, social, or work. I was always the weird loner who laughed too loud and heard crickets chirping when I attempted a joke. Who made my sisters cry and could never understand what I did or said to upset them. The naughty child who was just attention seeking.
What I always found the hardest was watching my sisters surround themselves with friends who they could endlessly chat with about nothing, feeling so confused as to why it was so difficult for kids to like me and want to be friends.
I also displayed some really odd behavior that never made sense until I've been thinking about it recently.
Mum had my hearing checked when I was little cause I could never pay attention - I zoned out to the TV and couldn't hear her talking to me. She tells me over and over of the time I left home to meet my sister at school without her, she found me at a bus stop waiting to get on a bus to go home - I was 2 or 3.
I ate paper out of the books I read until I was about 13, ate home-made play-dough until my late teens. I horded food in my room, all candies. I still love candy to the point where I feel a bit uncomfortable if I'm running low in the pantry. I brought a big bag of Halloween lollies today so am feeling pretty good. I used to have meltdowns at school, I remember one where I wasn't listening and the Teacher told the boys to stand up and I stood up with them, everyone laughed and I freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom for the entire lunchtime sobbing and refusing to come out, still not sure why. I nearly dropped out at high school, I had high grades but didn't understand the work I was being given and used to cut class nearly every day. I lied about everything, even when I wanted to tell the truth. I physically couldn't admit to doing something wrong and would scream and cry and shut down. At high school I would go mute and shut everyone out. I got better as when I left home, I figured out how to fit in enough to have had a job nearly all my life and it's always felt like an accomplishment, but I've never understood why when it comes so easily to everyone around me. I've never spoken of any of this to anyone, I feel a bit weird about opening up but am in a good place to do it.

I was adopted at birth so I've always attributed my oddities to the fact that I don't feel like I belong because I don't know my biological family. I'm very at peace with my adoption tho, I always did and still do feel like I'm super special cause my parents wanted me that much. I don't ever intend to seek any bio's, I don't feel like I need to as I was given a booklet which gives me enough information about them to know it was the right thing for me. I still cry when I read it, but it's not sad.

I've been going through a bit of a hard time the last few months, I have a new (7 months) job that I am finding very difficult in terms of remembering tasks and socializing with co-workers and it's my first full time job in 13 years. I also have made a pretty huge decision to leave my live-in boyfriend of 6 years, not for anything nasty, we've just grown too far apart. It doesn't sound that dramatic, so when I started have frightening panic attacks driving to work and crying in the toilets because my anxiety was overwhelming me I started to wonder what is going on? I feel my work has deteriorated as I am finding it hard to control my impulsive behavior, or concentrate on one thing as every sound distracts me so I come home exhausted and bummed out at myself. There's so much changing around me, I feel like I can't cope.

I saw a doco on telly a couple of weeks ago about high school girls with Asperger and HFA, interesting stuff! I watched a scene where a girl had a meltdown in front of her teacher and stormed out of the room in tears and wow I was a bit blown away, eh. I could identify with how she felt so much that I've done some of the online tests and they say I am on the spectrum. I'm seeing a Dr in two days and will be giving her a letter as I can not speak out loud how intense I feel about this.

Umm, so my hobbies? Dragon ball Z, Super, abridged, Yu-gi-oh, new additions are Trigun, Gantz, One Punch Man, 12 Monkeys. I like anything that has a larger-than-life beyond this dimension feel to it. Love the new Independence Day. Music is mostly instrumental, don't like many singers. Love taking photos of mundane things, caterpillars, birds, plants, clouds. Play FF7 FF8 FFBE Legend of dragoon, RPG's are my jam. My most hated joke right now is 'what's brown and sticky? A stick!' It's just dumb. Sticks are not sticky to touch, therefore not a valid answer.
I work the till at a cafe in town so I keep social, I don't have much social life out of work and love it that way, I enjoy days where I don't have to leave the house.

So, yup, thanks for reading, that's a lot of personal for me so I appreciate your time. You seem like a great bunch whom I'm hoping to connect with and make some friends.
I've identified with loads of stories, curious as to if you identify with me too. It's not a topic I've really had an interest in before and the more I find out the more my eyes are opened to how diverse everyone is! It's so cool!
Looking forward to reading & engaging

Welcome to WP! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I can relate to some of what you write, namely the meltdowns. As for the stick joke, I think that relies on a different meaning of "sticky". The "-y" suffix in this case means "like", so "sticky" means "stick-like". The double meaning is supposed to confuse the hearer of the joke.

Kia ora! Welcome to Wrongplanet.

I've lost count of how many times I've heard my partner tell that sticky joke!

Hope you feel at home here! So many of us struggle with socializing / friendship, I wish there was a way for us all to interact in a more real way. Interesting to hear about lying habits - I struggle with this, too, and whenever this topic comes up, it seems like the vast majority of people are always "I'm incapable of lying, I'm terrible at lying, I could never tell an untruth" etc. so I've tended to feel weird (even here! haha).

I'm betting a lot of your anxiety after your breakup may be coming from a fear of change, and/or difficulty coping with simultaneous major changes in location/job/daily routine/people, etc. I know that would totally overwhelm me! Hope things get better for you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hey IxEve welcome.

Thanks for your kind welcomes everyone! And the explanation of the joke.... I still don't get it

I like the online aspect, it can be so difficult to articulate how I feel face to face and it gives me time to think as concentration is not my friend right now. I like how different everyone is on here in terms of hobbies and views, like everyone is marching to the beat of their own drum next to each other.

All these changes and the anxiety are overwhelming and I'm finding little things set me off and leave me feeling drained, Dr's tomorrow so am looking forward to talking to someone about it and getting some help.

Lying became a way of life throughout my school years, as I've gotten older the anxiety associated with being honest has lessened as I've practiced telling the truth more but I sometimes I still feel the urge to hide behind it; I'll agree to attend a social gathering with no intention of going just to get them to move along, please!

How does it affect your life?

Kia ora and haere mai!

Good to see another kiwi/maori to the site ... Seems like a growing force over here

If you need a little direction , just send me a pm. I live in the Waikato and have had to deal with the beauracracy being a more mature individual on the spectrum. Can be a little daunting, but can guide you away from some of the mistakes i have made on this journey