Greetings,
Normally I'm reluctant to introduce myself online. It's been a while since I wrote on forums. I've got my reasons .. Also excuse my English it's not my native tongue.
I signed up because I shattered my calcaneus in a freak accident. So, I'll probably spend the next 6 to 12 weeks (semi) horizontal with as little movement as possible until good ol' doc says otherwise. So now I'm literately fused together with my sleeping coach & my computer, depended on the help of a few others. Not that I care at my age I came more or less to terms with my loneliness. Perhaps midlife crisis is caching up with me or perhaps loneliness is somehow linked to my creative mind. lol
Anyway, the underlying reason is I'm down om my luck, living home again with my mom. Kinda depressing, on disability the last few years therefore I've trouble finding a home/work in this economic climate, trying not to but losing hope in politics, healthcare & humanity in general. If this wasn't enough, now I have to deal my physical immobility. No to worries, I'll adapt as always. Still slowly but surely the dysthymia genie is popping out of the bottle *again*. Long story short when I get like this, even though I'm fairly resilient, I'll go on forums to read how peers akin to myself are coping. I almost know everything about busted heel bones trough reading the internet by now, lol. Not searching for solutions particularly but more a sense of connection. Furthermore out of common courtesy because I came here to read some of your personal stories on some closed forums like the adult section. So I thought it's only normal I return the favor and write a bit about myself.
I was officially diagnosed late in life admitted for other psychiatric issues, at 36. I'm now 38. I'm not specifically diagnosed as an Asperger on paper because the term is not in use since the DSMV, but something a long those lines. I'm still doubting if a diagnose helped me much. Sometimes it's more like a curse/stigma. Also it didn't came as a bolt of lightning from the blue when the verdict fell. Although I'm on the high functioning spectrum and can function in groups of people perfectly well for short periods of time. I always felt a bit off. But the master camouflager I am, I could cope more or less. I never intentionally disguised my 'handicap'. Undiagnosed, it sort of unwittingly happens over half a lifetime, just to fit in. It drained my energy however ...
At one point I had everything in life: a career in construction, a car, colleagues, family, a few friends & a few relations, a home, money, self dignity, pride, etc. although some of these things did not always fulfilled me.
And at another point absolutely nothing: a couple of times admitted, burned out, no money, no friends except the wrong crowd, homeless, battling a persistent drug and alcohol addiction which started as self-medicating imho, not that it is an excuse but it was my crutch for such a long time and later in life an uphill struggle due to depressive episodes which often coincides with substance abuse relapses, mainly alcohol. However most caregivers a) think I'm overreacting, b) like my autism don't see a problem or c) it's my own fault. Thus it's a hard to get out of this viscous circle of failure. Oh and I tried AA & NA for a long time but as an atheist these 12step groups became mind boggling to me especially when I expressed my skepticism, lots of frowned eyebrows then, LOL! Besides the essence of my issues are buried deeper. Addiction or fixation toward substances is merely a symptom I believe.
Sometimes these two extremes oscillate between rebuilding with the best intentions everything I F-ed up followed by a stable period, then blammo! in a split second blowing up my newly fragile build bridges. As if my diagnose alone isn't a ''stigma'' enough among normies. Oh well, lol like I said I'm resilient. Usually I'll bounce back. But it's different today, build up quite a rep in my hometown unknowingly. People either avoid me like the plague or want a confrontation. Not everybody by the way but reason enough to close the books here en start fresh elsewhere.
Always jumping through hoops to suffice to the status quo is damn exhausting. In my younger years I held a grudge with respect to society in general. Not anymore because most ppl don't know any better. Also in my days (the 80-90s) back in school there was no such thing as ADHD, ADD, ASD and whathaveyou ... you were either an unmanageable loud problem child or a withdrawn quiet problem child. Either way you were disposable better off in the lower echelons of the school system despite your true capabilities. But today at my age, been through a lot, to much in fact and I'm feeling sooo tired at the point of contemplating if there is a point to all of this ...
On a side note this is also an issue I have with certain care institutions, always pushing me in a direction that does not interest me in any way. Treating us like incompetent children. I'm so done with psychiatry. I've one counselor I visit ambulant, she's is okay, she doesn't demand or suggests irrational solutions. That's how I function best ...
Finally the only thing what I want in life is not the extreme highs and not the extreme lows anymore. Just the in-between: a quiet fulfilling life, a (volunteer) job which I'm passionate about or pursuing my special interests again (studies), just enough money to live a sober life, my health, family and a pet. Friends/relation perhaps if they're err.. I'm compatible that is otherwise loneliness is cool with me. A lot less stressful at least.. lol!
Well that's it for now. Writing this felt good I guess.
Off to read some of your stories so my apologies if I don't reply straight away.
Cheers,
Thor
29 Oct 2016, 10:57 pm
