Am I on the Spectrum?

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You know, I've had that question for years... Researching, thinking. Reviewing past history. Talking with experts. (No high-price tests.) And now I have an appointment with a specialist in the field, an "excellent diagnostician". But can I really trust him? There's so much flux in the world around this. So many different angles. I want to keep it simple.

From the age of 5, I was stunned and confused by social groups of any kind. I could talk a bit with solo kids - esp the really different ones - and my closest family members. I didn't follow gestures or social comments, or much of slang. I took things too literally, and said things that embarrassed me, or sometimes offended others. As the years went by, I withdrew into depression, and my special interests of sci-fi and buddhism. (I had decided to learn the way to be happy. Still working on that one.)

At age 22, my life took a turn. I stumbled across a workshop that focused on telling the truth to the mind when it lies. Which it obviously does quite often. The folks there taught simple, straightforward ways to express emotion, to connect and assert one's self. I returned to work on staff for years. And always I had the experience of being with people based on what was true. (So unlike the world!)

Today, I have a therapy practice, and a number of friends that I've known 20+ years. I've been married, and have a daughter. Folks around me wouldn't say I was different. Well, not clinically at least. My closer friends get that I'm different, and chalk it mostly up to my bipolar disorder. Which is all I thought it was for years. But now, the Spectrum explains all the rest. With surprisingly poignant precision.

I generally avoid interacting with others. For years I tried to see myself fitting in with the social world, but it's never felt natural. The times I did relax with people were times I felt safe to be myself. Not to be social - just to be me, as I am with somebody close. These times don't happen often, though I've been on a good roll lately... I've figured out a host of tricks and rules of thumb that help me socialize. But it's almost always effort, some degree of work involved.

I twitch my tongue and move my jaw in patterns of 3, 4 and 5. I rock sometimes when I eat, or laying in bed to calm me down. I have any number of specific procedures I follow to pack, or vaccuum, or ride my bike. I use numbers to simplify the things I'm doing, subvocalized in various rhythms. I write in a rhythm of 3/4, though I try to stop when it confines my words. I hate when people show up 1 minute early - or more than 12 minutes late. And whatever you do, don't surprise by bringing a friend.

Sounds sometimes annoy me. At times, I have to just stop what I'm doing until the noise stops. Sounds can be painful. Motorcycles, people talking outside my window, too many sounds at once. And overbright lights, glares or bad color. Air on my skin, an unstable chair, a bunched up sock, pressure on my legs when I'm sleeping. The smell of mop water, or any cologne (uh!).

So many more things I've identified, that fit the spectrum picture. Yet I've learned to connect, to keep really close friends, and even to work with couples. I can often tune in and empathize from a look or facial mannerism. And then say just the thing to help them heal (well, sometimes at least). I've studied for years, and I have the skills. Yet though I've learned to rely on nonverbal experience at times ahead of my mind, there's so much of learning and practice in it. It can feel automatic, but so does driving, and I had to learn that, too.

I don't think the diagnostician will say that I am on the spectrum. I don't think my "deficits" are "significant" enough. But I joined up here 'cause I think I do. Just describing all this makes me feel like I'm home. I just want to share the truth of me. I don't care if I fit a particular profile. I'm just tired of hiding - and feeling alone. So. There is that.

Akshara,

I can relate to everything you said. I don't have a formal diagnosis, but I have been atypical all my life. In kindergarten, I was labeled "slow" because I didn't know English (my first language was German and I wasn't a slow learner. In fact, my mom said I was always very interested in books and learning). I was also thought to be hyperactive because I was very energetic.

In college, I was evaluated by a tester who said demeaning things about my abilities because I completely bombed out on a spatial/block design test. My verbal and general knowledge scores were well above average, my social skills were okay, but my spatial scores were terrible, bringing my overall score down to the average range. I was really disappointed and demoralized by the tester's attitude. She was also very nosy and asked me personal questions I thought were none of her business. These are the evaluators who are supposed to be in the business of helping students with disabilities/differences. Well, I think she created more problems than she solved. Ironically, I continued to get good grades, but I was left with the question, "What is really wrong with me, if anything?"

I only learned about AS in 1997, when I was skimming through a book about learning disabilities and differences. I have long been fascinated by the human brain and by disability issues. I think I could really offer help to someone struggling with issues associated with an atypical life.

I can completely relate to your feeling that you can't trust professionals entrusted to evaluating people for differences. I've been there.

That all sounds familiar and I am formally diagnosed.

Hello and welcome, I'm new too.

IstominFan - Your experience is so unfortunate. I once saw a psychiatrist about my bipolar disorder. He basically sneered at my mood chart, said I didn't know what I was talking about and that I wasn't even bipolar! This, despite the fact that his boss was a world-renowned bipolar expert and had already diagnosed me! At the time, I felt completely humiliated and fled, stopping my meds for several months until I got tired of being miserable and went back to tell his boss all about it. He took over my treatment. I never knew what happened to the original, arrogant, abusive guy.

Sadly, it's not the only time I've been mistreated by helping professionals. Such is life.

Voidnull - It means a lot to know that other people can relate to my experience. I often feel like I'm right on the edge somewhere, so I don't really fit either group. Welcome to the group.

Peace.

Hi, and welcome.

Honestly, I'm not sure how many of us are really in a position to make a clear-cut judgment of whether someone should be labeled as on the spectrum or not, especially based solely on a forum... I've learned that it's a rather fluid thing without sharp borders to it. Everyone has a unique profile. Some are on it as far as certain aspects are concerned, and more NT-leaning in others.

I can understand some of the things you're saying. They may not all necessarily be related to autism/Asperger's, but could be. Some of the things you mentioned seem like they're more akin to OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I have a few, minor aspects of that, but they're not as pronounced as they used to be. Like I would have a few tics based on some patterns, or count things that I would pass by repeatedly, like cracks in the sidewalk or signs or streetlights. Or often look for and count certain letters in words. But it never got to the point where I would, say, ritualistically start flipping light switches a certain number of times (or having to do anything like that before feeling okay), like many full-blown OCD patients may do.

I can also sometimes relate to the loud sound issue, but I've gotten used to it and can tolerate it more. And I find myself sometimes rocking slightly or moving my leg back and forth if I have to sit in the same place for a long time without moving. I feel like that might be more due to ADHD type issues, lol.