I was self-diagnosed weeks ago with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) or higher functioning autism. I didn't take it as bad news. It is on the contrary a relief to know there's a name for my peculiarities. A good deal of the fog of "why I am the way I am" has been lifted. Up until my diagnosis, I often thought of myself as an alien from another planet. My diagnosis has set me free from from that line of thought.
My suspicions were first raised some time after I started working with special ed kids in my hometown school district. Many times I would observe a student's behavior and I'd be moved to tears. I saw some of me in him or her. I was drawn to working in autism units, but I didn't know why until now.
When I was recently in the same autism unit for weeks, I got to know the students and observe their behavior on a daily basis. One 12 year old girl especially caught my attention. She is autistic with practically no verbal skills. In class, she frequently talks to herself. No one can understand a word she's saying to herself. She'll sometimes get excited with whatever the story is playing in her mind that she'll holler and/or skip across the room. I saw myself at her age because I did such but just not in the middle of a classroom. I knew I was in a make-believe world of my own making. Instead, I would pace in my room or some other private place; although often, I would get caught in the act.
That's just one example of watching a student do something I did OR still do. I started doing research on the Internet about the autism spectrum. I did the on-line testing and consulted with my doctor who treats me for anxiety attacks whom was very supportive.
I thank the Lord for this diagnosis and the timing of it. I absolutely believe, without a doubt, the Lord led me to my job of working as a special ed sub at the right time in my life, my post-retirement job from federal government.
Now that I know I'm as 'aspie', my job has taken on new meaning to me. I can't think of better therapy than helping others who are in a similar boat.
I confided in a special ed teacher whom I trust about my diagnosis. She was SUPER about it. I am fortunate to have contact with her and other compassionate professionals who have expertise dealing with autistic children on the spectrum. I asked her questions about things I do, or did as a child, if it was typical for those with AS or not. All that I told her had a familiar ring to it in her education and experience of dealing with autistic students.
There are rewards and hardships. My interest is writing which has been like a best friend for most of my life. Through writing, I have been able to entertain others and therapy for myself. Routine is almost as essential for me as air and water. However, I believe I was able to lose and maintain my weight for close to 40 years now because once I got on a diet plan, whether it was to lose or maintain weight, I stuck to it like any other of my routines.
I could count on one hand how many close friends I've had from childhood to present. I prefer to do things alone. It is when I'm alone or when I'm talking to someone I feel comfortable with one-on-one that I am recharged. It is when I'm with a group of people, small or large, that I am totally drained. I am sensitive to certain sounds, touch, taste, and sight. I sleep with an eye mask and sleep with a air humidifier going. I've had meltdowns when hearing what I think is "loud music" that someone is playing inside the house or next door. I don't confront the noisemaker because I avoid confrontations at all costs.
So there's challenges but there's rewards too.
If it wasn't for working with autistic students, I'd still be in the dark. Now that I know, my job is more than a job. When I help a child with autism with their struggles, I can say to myself, "I know. I'm on the spectrum too."
26 Dec 2016, 7:44 am
