Partner of "graveshift'' working Aspie. I am all spent.

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I am hoping that someone can help or advise at the moment because my 12 years of marriage are looking like ending in divorce! The last few months have been SO hard. My husband (who has AS) has changed his shifts to 10.30pm-7.30am and is very happy with his new work schedule. I am finding it so hard to talk to him about how this is impacting on our family (we have 3 kids together) and myself at the moment.
It seems like all the problems of the last 12 years are coming to a head and I am so afraid of the future. I feel like I do everything to hold our family together. All his 'home time' is spent sleeping or (computer) programming. I am so tired and busy trying to hold everything together.
I am in my final 12 weeks of training to be a Nurse. I am at college and flat out with assignments and exams, my final hospital placement starts in June.
Tonight my husband shouted at me because he had no clean socks for work tonight. It sounds like a silly thing to be upset about but I have lived with him for over a decade and I know I am letting him down, I just don't know how to fix things.
I am out of the house more hours that him,I would love to have clean socks everyday and my uniform laid out. We are both spending time outside of the house, me more than him. I organise the kids day-to-day stuff but not his, am I wrong here?
I come back to a filthy house and hungry kids, he says I have made it like this (that he has no relationship with his kids because of me, I am too controlling) In honesty I am just exhausted. I have no time for the stuff I like to do.
He accuses me of being (sexually) active with all of my friends and college buddies (no matter how absurd! There is never any truth to his pontifications!) and says he does not trust me and thats why things are going wrong with his relationship with his kids.
As I am deemed untrustworthy at the moment and everything I do is wrong. It is all so black and white. I am so TIRED! I have been an excellent wife and mother, but my justifications are always shouted down and called 'cr*p' because I am me. Please help me understand what is going on here.

I always tried to work the night shifts when I could. I'm not sure how predomint that might be a round here. That you would find yourself in this situation is understandable, both from yourside and his. Hard to tell from this distance and hearing one side of the story. I can tell you this. What is happening now has been building for a while. This caught my eye however. "I know I'm letting him down" my wife could have writtin that many times over and I still catch her doing it, did it today. Due to the current rush with examns and all, it might not be the time to look into co-dependency, but give it a look if you can. It's not always a pleasent look. Fact of the matter my wife would wait on me hand and foot if I would let her. In the beginning it was all so foreign that anyone would do such a thing, but I liked it and it spread. Look I don't have any magic cure or even some great insights. But from his side I can't see the story, I can relate to him in a some vague common just because of his "label". We come in all types. I can be a controler type too, I'm just more aware of the why I do it now that I understand where it began to begin with. It helps in not being to much of jerk. I'm not too sure where to direct you on this site or if this even the site for it. If you could perhaps point him here? Perhaps a councilor? For him or even for you or better yet both? But better find one for either that understand what AS is really about. I just don't know and anything I would say here is a just a guess. Wish I had more. But hang on, someone else may be a long that has more insight then I.

I would add this, I don't care what label or lack of label you have. You are all you have inside and if you don't feel good about you, there is a problem. Being abused can from anybody and I don't give a s**t what label they have either. Being an aspie is no excuse for spitting out dirt to someone. Like I said, I can't see his side either. It may well be he feels the same. Coming here has helped my wife and I because I can understand better ways to let her know what's going on in me, why I do what I do. Why I have done some things all my life.

I'm a little tired and my mind may not be operating at full efficiency, but what you're describing has little or nothing to do with AS, it's simply an abusive spouse. Even if AS is the root cause (which I seriously doubt) it isn't an excuse for that kind of behavior. Nothing is.

I suggest you draw the line, go and stay with a close friend or family member, and see that he gets help before you get hurt any more seriously.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing in a different way. This is a story that happens all too often, AS or not. A relationship needs to be working for both parties if it is to succeed, and it doesn't matter if either/both/none has AS, brown hair, horns, whatever.

In a sort of upside down way, this strikes a chord with me. I had a spouse who was insanely jealous - I don't know if she was AS (with hindsight it's not out of the question but I don't speak to her any more) but it all came down to a rock bottom self esteem. She couldn't see what was right in front of her nose. Accused me of all sorts when it's perfectly obvious to everyone but her that it just wasn't in me to do anything like that.

The only thing I can see clearly is that you have to - must - effectively get through to him the danger your marriage is in, if this isn't resolved. I know you're finding it mucho hard to talk to him about it but it really is your only chance. I have a couple of off the wall ideas - pm me if you want them. No prob if you don't. I hope you get this worked out.

Okay. Let's stop right here. Yes, you probably have communication problems because of his AS. The first one being that he is not going to see what is perfectly obvious to you or hear the escalating irritation in your voice. Now walk over to the imaginary window, open it and toss that idea right out. It can't help you here. Say exactly what you mean without emotion. Exactly. No innuendo or hidden meaning or letting your body or eyes do the talking. That's done. It's wasting your time with him.

Now, breathe. Experience all this anger and release it. There is frustration on both sides most likely and it's been building for years. You're going to have to be calm to deal with this. So acknowledge the anger and frustration. You have a right to them even if they come from misunderstanding. Aim them at the actions, not at the person, then let them go. Even if this ends in divorce, anger and frustration will destroy you and your kids. Let them go.

Now, go get this book. Asperger's and Long Term Relationships Why that one? Because it isn't all mushy and talking about how bad you feel, it's about how to communicate with an Aspie in very simple terms. It talks about the differences in the Aspie and NT brains and why there are problems communicating and how to get around it.

Last, Post is absolutely right, you are co-dependent and that sentence "It sounds like a silly thing to be upset about but I have lived with him for over a decade and I know I am letting him down, I just don't know how to fix things." is the dead give away. It isn't just you letting him down and you are not the only one responsible to fix things. Do you want to know how I know that for sure? Because my dh and I fell into the same trap. I was like Post. This could have been written by me about my husband, "Fact of the matter my wife would wait on me hand and foot if I would let her. In the beginning it was all so foreign that anyone would do such a thing, but I liked it and it spread." What we did drove him right over the edge and just about cost us our marriage. We both did it, not just one. He was addicted to my chaos and I was addicted to his order. His order gave me comfort and my chaos gave him something to do. It was appealing to us both. It's important you see that, just like it was for us, because if you don't see that it all started with that, you'll never unwind it and get your sanity back (nor will he).

Now I'm going to be totally blunt, if you are working and taking care of the kids or even going to school and taking care of the kids, he has zero right to expect YOU to make sure he has clean socks. I am telling you this and I am the mother of all high maintenance people. If you are tired, you are going to have to say so because unfortunately, he is never going to pick up on this stuff. It has to be really bad before I'll get a clue, but if dh tells me I'll get it. If he's a jerk about it, that could be that he's a jerk or he can't understand it the way your saying it. I can't tell from this side so get that book and wade through that. Most normal marriage counselors aren't going to understand his brain and can end up causing you more problems, so start with that book to help you sort out what is really going on - in what ways he's a jerk and in what ways he's completely misunderstanding and getting angry out of frustration (been there, done that many times). The bottom line still comes back to his attitude about your domestic slavery is unacceptable and you are going to have to find a way to communicate that so he can understand it. (Even if it is sending him here so we can tell him.)






Back to the same thing, you would love it, but you probably expect him to realize it because any NT would. If he's anything like me, the house could fall in over his head and he'd just move over. Sound familiar? It probably is. Still, he had a part in those kids being born so he has to step up and do his share. If he didn't want that, he shouldn't have done it. You aren't his momma, but unfortunately, at one time I bet you acted like it. Am I wrong? I would bet you did it until you became too exhausted and then you stopped thinking he would pick up his share, then kept on thinking he would get it if you didn't do it. Here we go again, back on the miscommunication merry go around and nothing resolved. You probably finally blew up in a hailstorm of emotion because who could take it, right? Trouble is, emotion makes us shut down and eventually erupt. We do tend to think emotion is a way of controlling behavior. It's also a common problem for people in a co-dependent relationship like you and I have to think the person taking care of everything is controlling (and to be honest, you probably do have a bit of that since my dh does, but your husband also has it and so do I because not doing things so the other one can is a type of control). He's seeing it in you and not in him. I've been there and done that too.

All that said, you did not make it like this, you both did. He doesn't get off the hook. He's just as responsible for the current situation and he needs to deal with that. You need to find a way to tell him so he'll get it because of his brain difference, but beyond that, it's on him. Don't go back to being his momma. You're a wife, not a mother to him. Big difference.





I would guess the infidelity accusations stem from not much of a lovelife in your marriage. Exhausted, different shifts, etc. and you can pretty much expect that your lovelife has gone down the drain. Add in the fact that you are taking steps to get a career and thus gain independence. OHOH Trust me, he knows he's no gem. He thinks you are far better than he is. His accusations are fear talking. It isn't just AS where this happens (in fact jealousy is very uncommon amongst us), it is any insecure partner in a relationship. He's insecure on many levels and one is that he's made himself dependent on the dynamic of your relationship. You said it yourself, you were an excellent wife and mother. He was secure in that because it worked for both of you at one time, no doubt. But, the dynamic has changed and so have you. You are going in another direction and it takes you outside your little home and family. That's a scary thing in a relationship like yours. Now he feels you will see how inadequate he is compared to other men and what's worse, you can take care of yourself once your a nurse. What he had to offer you is gone. What made him comfortable (you putting order to his world) is gone. So he feels he's lost importance in your life and that he's been thrown into chaos in the house (trust me on this one because I've been down this path myself). The dynamic of the game has changed and no one asked him if he was up for this. You are just doing what most women do. Because he feels off kilter and inadequate in that new dynamic, he thinks everyone else sees it, including you and the kids. That is the reason for those remarks. If he's so inadequate and the love life is down the drain, any sane person would go find another lover, therefore that is what you must be doing. He's projecting what he's feeling about himself onto you. He's subscribing actions he thinks are the only logical next step onto you. It has nothing to do with reality because he can't see that right now, he can only see the fear and insecurity he feels. Make sense?


As to the late shift, I would imagine he took it to get away from people. He may be under too much stress from what's happening in your marriage to be able to deal with people at the moment, so this is his solution. Something has to give and work is usually the easiest thing to fix.


So here's my suggestion. Buy that book on Asperger's and Long Term Relationships to figure out the communication problems and start to fix them. Get a good book on co-dependency. If you can't find a therapist who knows AS, take that book in there and make them read it before they even see you two so they don't make things worse expecting him to see things he can't. Make sure it's someone who understands co-dependency. I wouln't tell him to read the book on co-depency, just leave it out and let him pick it up out of curiosity. He'll see himself in there. I did.


Hope that helps. You aren't going crazy. You didn't deliberately get yourself here. It was convenient for you both and you didn't realize it would do this. Just see it for what it is and let that go. Many of us have done it before you and many more will follow. If we had the crystal ball, we'd be millionaires. Just do the best you can and let the rest go. No one is perfect and that's okay. Good luck.

Last edited by ZanneMarie on 12 May 2007, 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Let me join the chorus: This isn't Aspie behavior, this is verbal abuse. Proper Aspie behavior, in such a situation, would be to examine it logically, and find the simplest way to get his clean socks (or whatever) while still enabling his partner to accomplish what she needs.

Example: For five months before leaving San Diego, I worked front desk graveyard shift at a major hotel. It suited me, because interaction with clientèle was minimal, and the uniform was provided for me. My wife was up in the daytime, with the full-time job of caring for our autistic daughter, and our NT infant son. How to keep myself provided with clean underwear and socks, when she often had no opportunity to do laundry (especially since we had a community laundry room, with only two washers for the entire complex)? Well, I had two whole nights to myself in there, and nobody else was doing laundry at 2am...

I sat down to complain about the exact same thing. I was going to ask if it was normal for AS husbands to do absolutely nothing around the house! Hubby broke the water tap in the kitchen. After ranting for an hour about where the water shut-off valve was, and me telling him, he left it. He went to watch TV in his "office". He was going to do what I always "let" him do, because he knew I would break down and fix it. I didn't this time and I have been the b***h all week!!
A very good book on codependency is called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It did wonders for me but after reading this thread I realize that I have slipped back into my old ways. I also have the "12 steps" book that she has and apparently I need to start over.

I have seen my husband be better than he is now, so I know that AS is not what makes a person (husband) act like this. My sons are AS and they are responsible and learning to fix things and help around the house. My husband is just lazy as is yours from the sounds of it. And I fully understand why the bedroom is an issue. After looking after 4 kids, a dog, running a dayhome, doing all housework and yardwork, dealing with schools and now adding a part-time job, sex is the LAST thing on my mind, and he knows it. Sounds like your husband needs to know that, too!

Zanne is right! As always! You do need to speak in very clear, un-emotional terms and hopefully he will listen. Say exactly what you want him to hear. I hope it goes well for you! Can you please let me know? There is strength in numbers!!

Award goes to ZanneMarie for the BEST. POST. EVAR. Sounds to me like she REALLY has it sorted...

More than anything I would agree with spitting it straight. I'm the average gal, my way of talking is with eyes and body language...and silence. All of which are useless when talking to an Aspie. They seem harsh when they say things sometimes (my jaw has been dropped a few times when my man's stuck his foot in his mouth BADLY...then of course he realises what he's said was hurtful and feels like arse afterward, poor guy >_<) but that's the ideal method of communication there. Don't soften it. Don't make it mean. Don't put hidden meanings behind anything. Just say it as it is, by dictionary definitions.

Tell him you're tired, you're busy, HE IS A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY and that he has to pull his weight. They're his socks, not yours. (Don't, however, do what I would do and add 'Learn to wipe your own arse!' because I dunno if he'd understand that My man certainly gets the picture with that one...)

As stated above...you're his wife, not his mother (or wet nurse). He's a member of the family and needs to behave as such.

I'm tempted to get that book too I think all us NTs floating around the board should be gifted one Would certainly make a few Aspies very happy methinks!