A View Through The Autism Prism…
Ten days ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and ever since I have felt overwhelmed with cognitive dissonance. I have sought to avoid simply labeling myself, or creating a new identity to blame my problems on. Instead, I recognize it may take some time, processing each memory or new idea in a new framework, which becomes clearer with each new bit of ASD information I learn. My internal landscape has also echoed my outer chaos, having recently recovered from 7 months of homelessness in 2016, which culminated in spending Christmas in jail for driving with no car insurance.
I realize that is a lot of TMI (too much info) for an introductory paragraph, so here is some context about me to possibly shed light on my story. I am 43 years old, and for most of my adult life I have known I was ‘different’. I did the best I could with the brain I had, and did achieve a lot of success, if I can count solo projects, or productions that never made me any dollars. But I always felt behind the curve, or like a late bloomer in my life’s development. While this has allowed me to grow at my own pace and really dive into each milestone chapter, it has also sucked to always feel like the last person to get it, every time!
I was married for 6 years, to an amazing human being. Towards the end of our marriage she wrongly diagnosed me with fetal-alcohol syndrome, causing in me a lack of trust for ‘shrinks’ who would seek to ‘get in my head’. She cut me off from all communication with her in 2009, three years after our divorce. It remains a painful stigma for my life, to have fallen so deeply in love, then abandoned so harshly. Even now it brings tears to my eyeballs. I keep thinking I am all healed from this, ready to proceed with living. I am guessing not at all. With this new ASD information, I now suspect that she was also an aspie, but do not know if trying to tell her about that would help, or just bring more pain.
So I have lived in 5 or 6 cities in the USA, and in 3 or 4 other countries as an English teacher. When I got sick of Cambodia in 2015, I chose to move to Denver, Colorado. It has been rough since I got here in June of 2015. Several months of unemployment, and not getting paid ($1200) by a former construction boss, led to losing my apartment last summer. The only friends I had here were in the mountains, so I set up a campsite in the most beautiful place imaginable. While it was fun for a while, with wi-fi in my tent to look for work and keep my food stamps, the uneven sleeping surface caused my hip to pull a muscle. I had to go to the emergency room, ending up going home on crutches.
By October it was beginning to snow and I was told I had to leave. The only job prospect seemed to be in Pennsylvania, a writing job that I could do if I were permanently disabled. I hit the road, but before I got to PA I was couchblocked by my host’s ex-husband who threatened custody of her children if I stayed a few days. I went to stay with a friend in Buffalo, NY, waiting to hear from said job prospect. I was in Buffalo until just before Christmas, the job never having called, and heavy snowstorms announcing it was overdue that I depart.
The one thing I learned, ALWAYS LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS! Apparently, while I was in Buffalo I missed a letter from Colorado that said if I didn’t renew my car insurance ASAP they would revoke all my stuff. I did not renew and they did indeed revoke. I left NY blissfully unaware of all this. I must summarize the ordeal it caused me, but I made it as far as Kansas, where a state trooper arrested me and impounded my crappy car. I left my phone in the car, so did not have a single number to call for help. I waited for due process for 9 days, and nothing! Finally I bailed myself out with the last $1000 I had, and went to a nearby motel just before new year’s.
My family thought I was dead or suffering some amnesia from injury. My sister filed a missing person’s report. They were in such a state of concern that their communications increased regarding my underlying issues and possible root causes. They somehow put 2+2 together and identified me as a likely aspie, before they even knew where I was! By the time I was back and decompressing from my holiday trauma, they had altered their approach in talking with me. They sensitively introduced the idea to me, that I might be on the ASD spectrum, and that wouldn’t mean I would be institutionalized or given shock treatment, etc. It took me a couple days to warm up to it, but wow what a revelation!
It was actually new year’s eve that I accepted the possibility, and agreed to see a doctor and get a diagnosis. From there, things moved pretty quickly, especially when I spent all other moments in January jumping from motel to motel and catching up on loose ends. Oh, and the car was in such poor condition that I signed it over for scrap, so I am now an expert at city busing. The best news for me, with the diagnosis, is I found one of the only doctors in Colorado who accepts Medicaid, which is paying ALL costs of the diagnosis, as well as 6-12 months of therapy and treatment!
One might see now, why I am a bit overwhelmed at this diagnosis. The patterns of behavior I exhibit when failing at social interaction, I can see those now. I am still not able to halt the process of feeling justified in bulldozing my way through a human being to get my point across. But observing it seems important, as a step to adjusting the way my brain works. I am looking forward to discovering methods and strategies to better handle situations where I feel wronged, or where I feel compelled to fix something.
I just signed up to wrongplanet yesterday, at my doctor’s suggestion. I see questions on forums about what I want for the future, and this causes me to see the inquiry in new ways. For so long I have been simply struggling to survive, I forgot to create a vision of my optimal environment to thrive. I have oodles of talent, except in the area of selling. I feel like I couldn’t sell an umbrella in the rain, let alone get an agent to represent me to the gatekeepers of our culture. If something I have produced caught on I could do very well, so that is a good reason to stay optimistic. That’s the positive side of discovering I am an aspie, knowing that I have a unique superpower. Also comforting is seeing that my strong character based on authenticity and truth, well that is my aspie brain as well.
In summary, my very recent diagnosis still has me in a holding pattern, as far as giant leaps for mankind. I have had a rough yet adventurous life, with few regrets. Like cicadas, gestating for years and then emerging everywhere, all at once. That is likely how I will blossom. I am just beginning therapy for my ASD, and am open to suggestions, insight, and even advice from peers and future friends. Maybe we can all move to Greenland and start a new nation of aspies! We could use ideas for currency, and each person’s consciousness could be their governor! Anyway, I am glad there is a place for someone like myself. I look forward to understanding more as time ticks on.
02 Feb 2017, 12:41 pm
