07 Feb 2017, 12:36 pm
Hello,
I am the parent of a 15 year old girl who was diagnosed with Asperger last year. I have been saying that there was something else going on with Taylor from the time she started preschool. I keep hearing that she was shy, that she would grow out of her "shyness. " I would write a letter to each new teacher each year asking them to please let me know if they noticed something else other than shyness with her interactions with her peers. Each year in vain her teachers and doctors all said to not worry she would open up when she got older.
Then came last year when I noticed that she would have these explosions. She would be soooo angry. She finally got to the point that she said that she wanted to kill herself. I took her to the emergency room and they told me that they did not feel that she really wanted to kill herself but wanted to know if she had ever been tested for autism. They suspected she had Asperger.
She was formally tested and we got the diagnosis, she said that she was finally relieved that there was a word for what what "wrong" with her and she was not a freak.
Well, I am not relieved. I am glad that she got the diagnosis BUT I am terrified that she wont have friends, that she is lonely, that she wont get married or have kids. That she wont have a job. That she wont learn to drive. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared that I am not enough to be able to help her get through. So I thought that i would start here. Did I mention how worried and afraid I am? 
07 Feb 2017, 12:55 pm
I am the parent of a 15 year old girl who was diagnosed with Asperger last year. I have been saying that there was something else going on with Taylor from the time she started preschool. I keep hearing that she was shy, that she would grow out of her "shyness. " I would write a letter to each new teacher each year asking them to please let me know if they noticed something else other than shyness with her interactions with her peers. Each year in vain her teachers and doctors all said to not worry she would open up when she got older.
Then came last year when I noticed that she would have these explosions. She would be soooo angry. She finally got to the point that she said that she wanted to kill herself. I took her to the emergency room and they told me that they did not feel that she really wanted to kill herself but wanted to know if she had ever been tested for autism. They suspected she had Asperger.
She was formally tested and we got the diagnosis, she said that she was finally relieved that there was a word for what what "wrong" with her and she was not a freak.
Well, I am not relieved. I am glad that she got the diagnosis BUT I am terrified that she wont have friends, that she is lonely, that she wont get married or have kids. That she wont have a job. That she wont learn to drive. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared that I am not enough to be able to help her get through. So I thought that i would start here. Did I mention how worried and afraid I am?
If your daughter is autistic (especially at the Asperger end of the spectrum), it is very likely that she will grow into adulthood with friends, a spouse, children, employment and a car that she drives herself. Many autists do just that every day. Now, I am not saying that life will be peachy, but it won't be disasterous. You might want to find a support group for parents and family members of autists. You could asked all the questions you have and expect quick responses from those who have already "been there, done that."
Meanwhile, if your daughter is satisfied with her diagnosis, why aren't you satisfied, too? It seems that your daughter is calmer than she was before. With her help, you might both get through these early, worrisome, days of "knowing."
Some ideas: Buy and read a book or two (Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is very good). Spend some time surfing around YouTube.com for quality autism-related videos (not the insulting kind). And, finally, know that autists like Temple Grandin were once considered destined for state institutions. Since the 1960s, Grandin proved that the idea of institutionalization in her life was completely wrongheaded. She is now quite intelligent, has her Ph.D. and a Hollywood film was produced about her life.
Don't give up hope. Take one day at a time, and realize that it gets better.
07 Feb 2017, 2:17 pm
07 Feb 2017, 2:20 pm
As a parent, I understand your worries. 
I also see it from your daughters POV. I imagine she is extremely relieved to finally know why she is the way she is. That there is nothing wrong with her, that she isn't just a failure at life. I didn't find out I was high functioning ASD until my 14 year old son was dx'd. Life has been hard, but wonderful as well. I am married with three sons and I love my life. I wish I could have found out at her age because by knowing she can now learn how to approach things in ways that work for her, and she can accept herself. I know it's hard not to worry. I worry for my son, however, I am glad that I can help him now before he is any older and I can get him the tools he needs. I can help make more lists, structure, find things that will work. Most importantly, I make sure to lift him up daily and encourage him because I know if he thinks I'm worried then he's going to worry even more.
I can't say with 100% certainty that she will be fine, but she is definitely better off now than she was before and more than likely she will find her own way and have a normal life.
07 Feb 2017, 5:15 pm
AnonymousAnonymous
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13 Feb 2017, 4:27 pm
Welcome to Wrong Planet!
13 Feb 2017, 9:13 pm
Well, I am not relieved. I am glad that she got the diagnosis BUT I am terrified that she wont have friends, that she is lonely, that she wont get married or have kids. That she wont have a job. That she wont learn to drive. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared that I am not enough to be able to help her get through. So I thought that i would start here. Did I mention how worried and afraid I am?
I feel like the most important thing at this point is to not show this worry to your daughter. It might make her feel like she's the cause of your upset and worry.
Many of these goals are long-term goals, that will seem very difficult to achieve from this point. Approach each one slowly as it comes. She's 15. There is plenty of time. It will do neither of you any good to be overwhelmed by the feeling of how far away the end goal seems.
Perhaps some of your goals will never be achieved. Does it really matter? If she finds a part-time job, takes the bus because she finds driving stressful, chooses not to have children, but she's happy, would that be a completely terrible outcome?
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