Brand new to this world/forum... A friend suggested I check this forum out.
About me: I'm a 40+ year old man, recently divorced & busting my butt to perfect myself.
How I ended up here:
My friend is a high functioning Autistic woman that I was in a relationship with. She pointed out that I seemed to her to have spectrum tendencies. She has three children on the spectrum as well.
First kiss, I 'head-rolled', she pointed it out. I never thought much about it, just how I do.
She asked deep, hard questions & I told her more than I ever have told anyone. I told her about what I call my 'space outs'. When I am under a lot of emotional stress & am completely worked up - Sometimes I just stop, freeze, sometimes even go limp - unable to talk. I want to, but unable to - my voice-box/mouth just won't work. Other times, if overwhelmed by less painful things, it's much more manageable. Cracked voice, stuttering - sometimes it's just that, but I other times I need to shake my head to keep talking.
I had this as a child, I would go off & be by myself when it came. As a teen I got 'caught' doing it by my friends, it was frequent after the death of several friends. My parents booked me with a psychiatrist - he said I was having 'walkabouts' because I was under so much stress that my brain shuts down, I tried to look that one up, never found much on it. He also said I had a dissociative personality. I will never forget his words when he said, "You simply don't fit in, that's why people aren't comfortable around you." Cementing the fact that it's my fault. Great! Got anything for that? Any anti-weirdo lotion? Some brain pills? I was given nothing & he said there was nothing to be done.
At that same time I had borrowed a friends guitar & picked it up quickly, too quickly for some of my peers. I lost some more friends, but I didn't care. I had this thing called music & I still do. I can pick up just about any instrument & play it. Some extraordinarily well.
Music puts me in that place where I can close my eyes, wag around & everyone just claps. My biggest hang up is that this outlet for personal healing, growth & respite sometimes has to take place on a stage & then I have to 'people' afterwards. Sometimes coming out of my musical state stuttering & forcing words out. I play it off as humility & try to duck out asap & be with people I am comfortable around.
I have abused alcohol to deal with life, with a buzz on - the edge is off. The problem is that it wreaks havoc on the rest of my life. From waking up late from hangovers, to having straight up temper tantrums which lead to massive regrets, to the simple fact that it is a depressant. It is the catalyst of negativity for me.
When I met this woman she pointed these things out, she explained her experiences in life. In a big form, it's liberating - but I don't know if I *am* on the spectrum. I've had no testing, I have it scheduled though.
There's the fear that maybe I am just a train-wreck, the fear of peoples reactions if I do get a diagnosis.
This all sounds rather bleak - there are beautiful things. Whether I am on the spectrum or not, I have found areas in my life I can change, parts of my personality that give me an incredible edge. I mentioned music, but there is also math, coding & language to name a few.
I am leaving my past behind, I am leaving negativity behind - I am pursuing a career in coding, as I had always wanted. I am recognizing what I can change & what I need to accept. Time will tell, but yeah... that's my story.
11 Feb 2017, 4:20 pm
