Broken pieces will fall apart.

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Hello everyone. I just joined the forum today but I've been visiting off and on for years.

The first time I actually looked into the definition of autism/Asperger's was several years ago back when the DSM-IV was still active, and DSM-V was still not due to go in effect for a couple of years yet. I was reading about Adam Young (Owl City). He said he had, or suspected he had Asperger's. I'd never heard of it and I have a slight obsession with collecting information about conditions and diseases so I looked it up.

After an extensive amount of research, I came across a post on WP about a woman that had been recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. In her experience, she said that her whole life she had been watching others and imitating their actions and patterns because she didn't really understand how to function in social situations. She learned by mimicking her friends and others exactly but it wasn't a self expression. It was just how she thought she was supposed to behave around others.

I nearly had a panic attack, and spent a great deal of time crying after that. It sounded like I wrote it. It was something that I'd never said out loud and didn't really even think about. I thought that everyone was that way.

Eventually, after a bout of deep depression and hearing the most comforting words from my mother for any mental health concern ("I don't believe that, there's nothing wrong with you"), I calmed down. I've been hiding who I really am from everyone around me my whole life, so I basically just fell back into that. I'm fairly good at it most of the time.

My older sister is a part of a business forum with a lot of aspies on it, so fortunately she is aware of it. In talking with them, she noticed that I am a lot like them, and I say things that they say. They have been diagnosed and they told her that I am autistic I'm okay with that, because at least someone believes me.

I would like for my family to know but I don't believe my parents would believe me if I got a diagnosis. It's hard for me to talk to them about my mental health because they voice their opinions and how they feel/their opinion has nothing to do with the facts. So I tend to just shut down, because I am very non-confrontational. I have gone entirely mute in the face of confrontation. I internalize everything too. I have been doing that my whole life.

I guess in joining this forum I just want to, for a change, talk to people who will understand. I'm not saying I'm going to have deep philosophical discussions. It will just be nice to know that when I say something totally random or over analyze something meaningless, no one will look at me funny. Because you can't. But also because you probably wouldn't anyway.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you've made a lot of progress in understanding yourself and people. I can relate to overanalyzing many little things. And also to socialization being like playing a character in a play, thinking about what to do and then doing it, rather than acting in the moment. I wish that I could give some of the knowledge I have now to myself as a teenager.

LOL on your comment about eye contact. At 41 years old I just this week learn that when NT people talk, they are totally locked in to the other person and aware of what they're feeling in the moment during the conversation. It makes so much sense now, I wish I had figured this out 25 years ago! (It's something I could have worked on, still could I guess.)

Amazing story and welcome!

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I discovered issues with my minor children, but never dreamed that I could have a spectrum disorder. I went through a bout of melancholy, but now I have tears of joy because I feel like I unlocked a mystery that has eluded me my whole life.

Yes, I was always quite aware of my conversational flaws and difficulties relating to the NT world, but I assumed it was something else. I can laugh about it now and better sympathize with my beloved spouse's 20 years of grace and patience. I honestly don't know how she did it because I know that I haven't been easy to live with, and my repetitious questions, my relentless obsessions, and not knowing when to take cues and stop talking must be a challenge for my dear wife.

Recognizing who we are and addressing our weaknesses in our social interactions is a good thing. It will make life easier for everyone including ourselves.

Thanks and best wishes!