Introduction

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Hi everybody, I'm new to this forum and I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself: I'm a 38 year old female from Switzerland. I was never tested or even just associated with aspergers or autism as a child or young adult. Never the less I always felt (and still feel) different compared to other people. I never associated with girlish oder later with womanly stuff, behaviour or appearance. That wasn't really a problem as small kid but in second grade that changed, for the next 15 years I have always felt like an outsider in any group of people (doesn't matter if school, work or hobby related). When I tried to figure out what was missing I first thought this was because I was gay and didn't know any other gay girls, let alone girls in my age to bond with. But meeting other gay people didn't change that and also getting my first girlfriend when I was mid-twenty didn't change that. I was only able to find people I somewhat feel a connection with when I was over 30. Those people are the first friends that actually care about me and don't just spend time with me because there are no better people around. That really opened my mind but I still feel different to them. As far as I can tell they connect on a deeper level with each other than I am able to connect. I have a hard time articulating my feelings in general and when it comes to dating I'm even more clueless. Most women either scare me and I feel inferior in one way or another or they display the stereotypical female behaviour that annoys me so I don't want to get close to them. There is no way for me to tell if a woman who starts talking to me when going out just wants to be friendly, is flirting or maybe even making fun of me or playing some strange games with me (I had the same problems figuring out what other people are about when it comes to friendship but I was able to figure that out during the last years) . This means I can't participate when my friends talk about their relationships or dates since I don't have anything to say (and whining about feeling alone feels kinda whack considering I'm not making much of an effort to meet somebody).

Anyway, I got lost a bit with my introduction... The point is I still haven't really figured out why I feel different. Some of my friends are a little socially akward or shy too and share similar stories of being alienated teens back in the days. But while they were able to progress I still feel like a 13 year old teenager in several ways. I read about lots of stuff regarding medical conditions like depression or adh but nothing seems to fit. Until recently I stumbled over articles about women who have asperger and how asperger works differently for women and men. It felt like an eye-opener, especially after doing some more research and reading up on blogs written by women or girls with asperger. I can releate to a lot of the stuff written there. On the other hand there is also stuff that has nothing to do with me, I'm not over sensitive to sounds, noises and similar stuff. I'm also living on my own since I'm 20 and have a steady job. I get along with the people there even when we are comming from different backgrounds. So now I'm pretty unsure, I do feel like me being an aspie could explain a lot of stuff I am not able to understand when it comes to social interactions with other people. I never felt that way before to the honest... On the other hand I also don't want to make an idiot out of myself by going to a doctor to get an approval of a medical condition I claim to have after reading about it on the internet. And even if I'm not making an idiot of myself and I do get a confirmation, I don't know if that would change anything. Anyway, I guess I will stay around and read up here so I can make my mind up about the issue. I hope that's ok and doesn't come along as I'm some kind of hypochondriac looking for attention or something like that...

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks for the warm welcome. Sorry for the long text but it felt good to get it all off my chest...