Hello.
I post these experiences as a way to try and gain more self knowledge about myself, and to see whether some of these experiences strike a cord with others that read these forums. I apologise in advance for the length of this post and hope that some of you can read it all, and provide me with your thoughts for I desperately need them.
Obviously, my posting here and asking these questions is try to understand and ascertain whether I express aspects of Asperger’s—a condition I knew little about until three years ago, and it is perhaps best to start with how I first came to hear about this condition.
I have been lucky enough to go to University and even to excel at my undergraduate studies, and to start the process of studying towards a PhD; which was (and is) an interdisciplinary endeavourer, involving the fields of sociology, social psychology, linguistics and computer science. This means, of course, that I am of adult age (29 to be precise).
I was also lucky enough to entice many of the professors, within a number of departments, into conversation with me on a one-to-one basis. One particular professor specialised in linguistics and psychology and was kind enough to take his time with me; going to great lengths to explain his and others work and to answer the difficult questions I put to him.
We also spoke about our personal histories and I told him that as a young child I was diagnosed with what was known as ‘glue ear’. He told me that earlier in our conversations, he had noted my behaviour, body language and gaze aversion, and how I occasionally seemed to phase out from the conversation and re-enter the conversation with topics that just did not follow on from our earlier discussions.
He also noted that I had the tendency to ‘go off on one’ with regards to my own specialised interests; citing, quoting virtually everything I had read word-for-word on my interests which, despite being off topic, impressed him.
I told him that I often suffer from this and that I had had ‘glue ear’ as a child and that I, according to the ‘specialists’ in ear nose and throat disorders (ENT), was a rare case of an adult whose ‘glue ear’ had failed to resolve itself naturally. With kind words and a compassionate tone, he asked me whether I knew that in the UK ‘glue ear’ was often misdiagnosed, and that Asperger’s was mistakenly diagnosed as glue ear. And this was how I first came to know about this condition.
I decided to raise this with my mother as I was far too young to understand and remember the early stages of why she felt I needed medical help. She told me that as a young child I was very clumsy and seemed to lack the level of motor, social and communication skills that were expected of someone of my age. The medical establishment initially thought I had a specific motor system disorder related to my poor motor skills but that, so my mother informed me, could not explain my lack of social skills and inability to focus in conversations and my tendency as a child to phase out.
My mother also talked about her worry regarding my inability to make friends throughout most of my life, and my tendency to isolate myself. She also talked about how, as a child and adolescent, I would drive her mad by taking apart electrical and mechanical household items, to see how they worked.
To cut a long story short regarding the medical establishments treatment of my glue ear, I have had over 16 operations on my ears, including a life saving operation where I had portions of my mastoid (honey cone bone structure behind the ear) and skull removed due to a failed previous operation, from which I developed severe infections. Indeed, when I visit and talk to consultants in ENT as an adult, they openly admit that in the past they had been far too aggressive; primarily concerned with, at the time, the development of new technologies such as ‘grommets’ and the desire to test them. Most of the lack of hearing I have now, I have been told, is down to the damage done by the aggressive treatment in my youth.
So, with this knowledge my mother had told me I began to read up and Asperger’s. I noted with interest that aspects of the condition included issues to do with development of the motor system, as-well-as issues to do with the development of social and communication skills in childhood. With these indicators in mind, I then began to cross reference sources and to recall my experiences as a child, adolescent and young adult.
To be brief, as a child and during most of my schooling I was bullied extremely often and would cry myself to sleep at night wondering what I had done, to bring such disdain and dislike upon myself. Chatting about this with people that knew me as a child, revealed that I was viewed as ‘weird’ and ‘eccentric’; that when I did interact with others I often said things that offended and upset them. I came across as ‘geeky’ etc---such as pointing out logical errors in people’s utterances and speech, taking what my peers said literally and failing to understand sarcasm and ‘rib-taking’.
I was also ridiculed for a peculiar ‘tick’ that I had (and continue to have) as a child, which involves me nodding my head in very sharp and quick jerky movements. When alone and by myself I just allow the tick to occur, as I find it painful to suppress it. The only way I have found to stop it in public and to lessen the likely ridicule I will get, is to channel it into the tensing or grinding of my jaw. I also sometimes have a number of other involuntary body movements, such as clenching of my fist and toes, and sometimes I can channel my nodding tick into such bodily movements.
My teachers also found my peculiarities hard to handle and I was often said to be an underachiever and trouble maker. I would often shout out in class and point out the mistakes that the teachers would make. For example, I remember one instance where the geography teacher classified the sun and solar power, as a non-finite energy resource. I raised my voice and pointed out to him that this was just not so and that indeed the sun had a lifespan and was thus finite. One other instance was when a design and technology teacher stated that ‘the world must be getting heavier with all these new people being born’—needless to say I had field day with this inaccuracy.
I was also considered special needs and was tested regularly by the special needs teacher, which included tests beyond just hearing. The only tests that I can clearly remember were those to do with my understanding of people’s emotional states, and also tests to look at my handwriting; which was and is terrible and often illegible, as I tend to collapse the letters within words and blend them together.
I found it, and continue to find it, very hard to focus in a classroom and busy environments, and I was lucky enough to have a private tutor for some of my school years. I also found (and continue to find) it extremely difficult to muster the motivation to focus on homework and what I call ‘self imposed’ tasks and learning. However, when I was (and am) able to focus I excelled and scored very highly and above the level of my peers. These periods of focus were often for periods of 12-20 hours straight, with my longest stint being close to 48 hours for a research paper and experiment I undertook for my post-graduate studies.
The character and themes of such experiences continued throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, and still continue to this day. On more than one occasion family members have lost their tempers with me. Complaining that I bore them with my interests and the intensity with which I talk about them; the way I am unable to talk about normal things and just chit-chat; how I point out logical errors in their beliefs and utterances; how I am not able to spot their boredom and emotional states; how I mistake one emotional state for another. Often they would shout and declare “No wonder you don’t have any friends!”, “No wonder they bully you!”, “It’s always you isn’t it”.
Needless to say I have lost many friends by mis-reading them and committing faux pas. Most of my current ‘friends’ and those that have recently disowned me, explain why I repel by describing me as ‘eccentric’, too ‘harsh’, ‘frank’ and ‘truthful’. It was it not until I decided to try and understand people (my lack of ability to intuitively understand them and instead annoy and repel) through studying sociology and social psychology, that I have been able begin to read others emotions better, and to gauge how I affect them through my body language and the things I say.
This ‘intellectual’ approach to reading others and being successful in social situations is the only way I have been able to overcome to a degree, my lack of intuitiveness and tendency to repel. If I am truthful I really find most of my social interaction extremely boring, under stimulating and requiring great effort and energy to maintain such an intellectual approach and focus. Particularly when I am in group conversations rather than one-to-one, and I often end up phasing out when I am very tired and lack energy. Often I just smile and nod and more often than not, fake a laugh when I fail to understand the jokes’ that are made and make up a great deal of the content of group based conversations.
It is becoming evident to me that a lot of what I have experienced can not be explained by just glue ear alone. I have begun to circulate amongst my family and friends, information regarding Asperger’s and all recognise such characteristics in me, particularly my fiancé. I could go on to talk about so many more past and present experiences that seem to fall inline with the type of characteristics indicating Asperger’s. However, I think I have said and shared enough to get some type of feedback and to ask for your thoughts and whether you think, regardless of the degree, I exhibit Asperger’s?
Thanks for taking the time to read, and maybe to reply.
22 May 2007, 12:36 pm
