New here, an introduction - need to release

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I'm in my 40s, am married, have a child and have been seeing a therapist for the same issues I've seen counselors, therapists and psychiatrists for years; Stress, anger, sensitivity to noise and social phobias. I used to work with developmentally disabled adults and have been around a lot of people on the autism spectrum, but all at a functioning level that required 'some' level of outside support. I've looked into Asperger's in the past, noting similarities between people with AS and myself, but for some reason or another, always pushed the idea aside.

From my earliest recollections, I've felt like I didn't belong, and I wasn't a part of society. I felt like an outside, so instead of trying to fit in, I studied people, like they were bugs or animals, and tried to figure out what made them tick. What upset them, what did they like, how would they react to different words, actions and situations. I thought of myself as a scientist, trying to figure out this unknown species. As I learned more, I then learned to follow the behaviors that they exhibited to fit in. I suppose I did a fairly good job, because I've always been successful with people, they trust me, I'm very successful with work. My mother used to say I was a late bloomer, I've been seen as a bit quirky, somewhat strange, and most people who know me say that they don't know anyone who thinks like I do.

In counseling and medical visits, I've been told I have strong social anxiety, PTSD (not from a specific situation, but from constantly being on high alert in life), hyperacusis (acute noise sensitivity), misophonia (anger/violent tendencies from sensitivity to certain normal sounds), extremely rigid black and white thinking and self-hatred. I'm a very picky eater due to textures that I can't tolerate and try to live a very structured life. I make to do lists on a daily basis, then make ones for each area of my life, then make to do lists to remind me to make to do lists. If anything unexpected happens, good or bad, it causes me severe stress.

About a month ago, I was meeting with a therapist I have been seeing for a while about anger and I had expressed my feeling that I was simply a cold and evil person. I don't think like anyone else, I don't care about other people, I don't connect with other people. Close friends and family members get cancer or die and I take the news the same as I would someone telling me the time of day. Both of my parents have passed away, I held my father's hand as he died. They were huge in my life, I was very close to both of them (as close as I get), I've still never shed a tear for either of them. We had also covered over the last couple of months other personality quirks, my inability to deal with things, my past counseling, personal history and the way I live my life.

The therapist stops in the middle of our session and says "You're not an evil person. You have Asperger's Syndrome!" He then pointed out several things we had discussed, ways that I felt and responded to things, and we discussed it a bit. I went home to my wife and let her know what he had said, we looked over common AS traits and anything else we could find for a while and her mood significantly picked up. She was thrilled. She saw the strange behaviors I'd always exhibited and was relieved that she finally had a reason for them. It was like someone had flipped a switch from depressed to ecstatic in her life. I wasn't so happy.

The next time I talked to the therapist, I pointed out that I knew he couldn't make a formal diagnosis, and that while I may have some traits (admittedly, an overwhelming number) of AS, I wanted to reject his assessment. My reason makes perfect sense to me. If I don't have AS, there's something wrong with me and I just need to figure out how to fix it. If I am able to find and fix it, I'll be able to be and feel just like everyone else. If I do have AS, I can't be 'cured'. I can learn coping skills, I can succeed 'in spite of', but I take it as an understanding that I will never know how other people think and feel, I'll just know the technicals of it. I'm looking for that miracle that literally dozens of professionals haven't been able to provide me with, that one single "Hey, if you do this, you'll suddenly be able to feel, not just emulate, joy when you see your kid playing.. you'll be able to love your wife, instead of just seeing her as a component of your life.. you'll be able to interact with people instead of just using the same programmed comments and responses to elicit the desired reactions."

I consider myself to be pretty rational about things, very grounded and down to earth. In this, I can see where I'm being irrational, but I just can't get my mind wrapped around it. My limit of counseling sessions is over, my insurance plan doesn't cover autism evaluations for adults, more counseling would be cost-prohibitive. I emailed some autism resources to see if there was any place to get a free or low cost screening and have had no luck. One of them did suggest that I come to this website and use it as a means of understanding what I've been going through in my life and communicating with others who may have similar expressions. I can go forward at the moment with the idea that maybe I have a lot of traits common to AS, and that if there are resources, suggestions, books, etc that can help people on the spectrum deal with those traits, they may work for me as well.

That's who I am and why I'm here in a nutshell. I realize that it might seem odd that I'm resistant to the idea of being on the spectrum, while my logical brain says it makes perfect sense. Maybe it's something I need to overcome at some point.

I'd love to hear if anyone else has felt in the same boat about having AS, whether formally diagnosed or not, and how they deal/dealt with it.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Welcome to you. I myself had the benefit of a diagnosis mid-childhood, however, I remember post-diagnosis feeling at first a sense of relief, to know why I was the way I was, but later a sense of inhumanity or sub-humanity, as if I wasn't a complete person.

That isn't true however; though I struggle to relate to people, I want to relate, to care, to understand.

Though my emotions are often cool, (though they sometimes are strong) I want to empathize with people.

Though I may not always weep in grief, that dosen't mean I don't care, and that I don't desire the best for others; and further, it doesn't mean that I don't, or can't, get attached to people.

The very fact that you want to care more about others, means you care about others, else you wouldn't care that you struggle to care about others.

I think struggling to accept an AS diagnosis is extremely common, at some point; ultimately though, having AS doesn't make you less of a person and it doesn't have to be your whole identity if you don't want it to, you are you, AS, or no AS; you decide how much of it defines you or not, but regardless, you are just as much a human as any other.

I pray you find the answers you are looking for, for satisfaction, and that this community might be of benefit to you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!